healing me forward
The past couple of months have been filled with movement and healing in ways that I have not felt healing and movement before in all the 10+ years I have been in therapy with my therapist.
Friday in session, my therapist and I were reflecting just how much the past couple of months have changed so much for me in the way of “healing”, “understanding”, and more so trusting the “young part” in me to take bigger steps on this journey I have been on for over 10 years now.
Healing is not a destination or a place to arrive. Healing is not something you see, but rather something you feel deep within. There is this quote that I saw that helped me to write this blog today and the quote reads:
“Healing doesn’t change you, it reveals you“
That is what this past couple of months have been for me – revealing moments that I can connect to – revealing images of my past that help me to come closer to the young parts voice that has laid dormant for so long; only showing up in the vulnerable places of my sleep.
I began therapy over 10 years ago, April 21st of 2007 to be exact – and each time I reflect back on that, there is something new to understand about this journey.
Honestly? I didn’t think that I would be on this journey for as long as I have, in fact, I thought it would be a quick fix “talk about my memories, tell my story, work through them, and I am healed” OH no no no! Boy was I wrong! – that is the furthest from the reality of what healing really is about. Healing is a state of being and becoming who we were intended to be. Not the abused version of what I have been through.
Therapy isn’t an “event”, therapy is the process of being me, I am healing wounds to create more movement in the life that God created for me to be. I am in this process of movement and healing old wounds held by the young part of me that has been stuck in the old memories and wounds – to finally being released as I allow her to be present.
The past 5 years for me were hard – really hard. I went through a lot of hard things that caused me to really go inward and isolate for a long long time. I could sit here and write about all the reasons why and what happened, but that’s not important, what IS important is facing and accepting where I am now and what I am moving towards; realizing that the isolated place I was in the past couple of years was just a stuck place – almost like purgatory while I worked hard internally to heal myself into movement.
I literally had to heal myself into movement, and it took a long long time to get out of the funk of isolation and depression I was in these past 5 years! The isolation to where I had pushed everything and everyone away from me.
I stopped going to church, I stopped going out with friends, I completely shut myself out and away from all the things I loved; even my family. I went internal to the young part and clung onto the old fears and old stories of my past and Is at there for a while until I could really see what was going on and where I was.
I allowed the actions of another in the past to dictate my place of being, and that caused me so much pain and suffering! But one day, I woke up! I came to realize that the actions of another are just what It is “the action of another” and it has nothing to do with me or who I am, or where I want to go. Those same childhood fears are not repeating themselves – they are simply showing up so that I can say NO to it, and turn my face to the things that really matter like connection, friends, writing, the things I love – even GOD!
This past year, (especially the past couple of months) I have finally come out of the hard shell of isolation I was in. I finally accepted where I was and why I was in that place in order to move out, and heal forward.
When we truly accept that place of where we were and where we are now – that is when we truly heal forward.
I have come to a place in my healing in therapy where I am allowing the “Young Part” of me to NOT pull me IN, but rather allow me to open UP and allow myself to see and feel what I have been through not only the past 5 years that led me to isolation, and depression but my whole life as an abused neglected hurt child who holds more wounds than anyone should ever hold.
I have never felt healing the way I have felt it these past couple months. I see things I haven’t seen in such a long time. I am finally moving back into things in life I love like friends, church, family, writing, photography.. all of it! I feel like the numb parts of my life are finally gaining feeling and color.
What I do know about healing forward is, as with anything it takes time, care and love! this is a new place, a new place of being, and that deserves space, time and healing.
One of the things I have awoken to again is my writing and this blog. I have had so many people asking me if I could write about my therapy journey again and how much they missed reading about this journey and how much It has helped them. Well, today is the first step back into that part of my journey and although it’s vulnerable and scary, it feels connecting and healing.
My therapist and I were just talking about this in session Friday on how much I have changed and how different my healing is in the way I can talk about things in ways I have never been able to talk about or feel it before. I am blessed for my therapist Andy and all he has done for me and walked with me through on this journey. he is the most caring and compassionate person I have ever met. he knows my story, he knows me and the young part inside, and I couldn’t ask for a better person to hold my story with care, trust and love just as he does. He is such a wonderful person – – – – So Andy, if you’re reading this, or shall I say WHEN you read this 🙂 thank you for this amazing journey thus far!
So, as I wrap up the end of this blog writing, I want to say to all those who connect with my journey and writing – “I look forward to sharing more of what is next on this part of the journey of where I am and where I am looking toward (hard and good) I look forward to sharing and connecting more of the “Healing Forward”! not only in the healing work but in life and through my writing! It’s vulnerable but SO hopeful!!