Being a child abuse survivor and living in that life as a child and into my teen years, I depend on schedule, and routine and knowing, and anything that is out of that sync, sets anxiety through me like you wouldn’t believe.
This week is completely different for me. My husband is having shoulder surgery this week, it’s not a major surgery, but its enough to just put me into anxiety about him going under.
I myself have Dr. appointments and a full body scan that I have to have done in a MRI machine and that in-itself is enough to send me into anxiety on top of finding out what is going on with me and what the plan is going forward.
Some of my therapy sessions are at different times this week and being a routine person its a challenge for my therapy sessions to be at a different time of the day, because that is where I ground myself the most. That is one the place I depend on being the same with no change.
I have a lot on my plate this week and sometimes when that happens, I tend to want to crawl inside of myself and just be still waiting for it to all pass over. I get quiet, let the weight seep in and make me silent…….
But that is not the person I am anymore. I am the person who faces the changes and connects to those around me to keep me grounded. I talk about my fears and anxieties. I lean in on my support when it feels too overwhelming.
A part of healing is facing those out of sync moments and knowing that just because the routine has changed, doesn’t mean the connection has changed.
I don’t like that I live in fear of change. I don’t like that I have to work so hard to not let anxiety and fears overcome me when things go out of sync.
It reminds me so much of being a child and keeping track of everything around me. My safety and comfort was knowing everything that was ahead of me and what was going on, it was my security and my way to survive. Today I still hold onto those things and when it goes out of sync, I am MISERABLE!
So, I decided this morning I was going to face it, write about it, prepare for it, share it, because I know I am not alone in this, especially with those who are survivors like me who depend on routine.
I told my therapist about my fears when we connected this weekend and no one understands the fear more than he does, and we are both working so hard for me to change that mind frame and to know that no matter where I am, I am connected and grounded.
This is the work I have done in the past 7 years .. its all about grounding yourself and trusting those roots even though they can shift a little.