But then I look down at all the steps I have made, and realize I may not be at the top, but I am far from the bottom, and I continue to look up.
When I walked into therapy 6 years ago I never thought It would be this hard.
I never knew it could be so painful, or be so incredibly hard, but I also didn’t realize how rewarding it would be, and how empowering it is to have a voice; to speak my words, and to learn about the person I was meant to be outside of the abuse I endured.
I never knew or realized how much I wanted to be heard, and how healing being heard would be for me, and how healing it still is.
I look down the spiral staircase I have been walking for 6 years and I look at all the hurdles I have overcome like my fear of using my voice and the fear of emotions that followed.
I have overcome the fear of allowing myself support and being supported with no consequences or anything expected from me – except just being me.
I came to realize in therapy that me being me was enough, nothing more, nothing less, just me being me and me being heard.
Yesterday in session I sat and talked with my therapist about some deep emotions I am still holding onto, and I was heard and that felt good, and that was another step up the spiral staircase. I felt SO good when I spoke how I felt, and that is what the past 6 years has been about.
When I was a child all of my words, thoughts, and emotions were only spoken on paper, hiding in a hole in the wall wanting to be seen and heard… but as time went on the words faded into the paper until I handed those papers over to my therapist a couple of years ago. I used those papers and turned them into my own spoken words and I never realized how empowering and healing those words were.
Just like yesterday when I sat and just opened up to my therapist, being heard opened up more room, and more steps to the top of the spiral staircase of goodness – I felt it! I felt like I could breathe more that someone else continues to help me hold the things I hold inside.
I look back on my life and I don’t know how I kept so many emotions and thoughts inside. I don’t know how I lived my life each day holding onto all those things that kept me captive to my own suffering, because today when I let those feelings and thoughts be heard, it’s freedom and empowering.
My therapist continues to always tell me “we / you can talk about anything” and when I think about that, I am tearful, because that is all I wanted as a child – was to be heard. That’s all I wanted as a teen and as a young adult – was to be heard.
So as I stand on the stairs looking up ahead on the spiraled staircase of healing, I also look down at where I was knowing I am far from where I was, but still know there is much healing ahead of me, I just need to give it time, and when I lose hope, I just look down and know that each step is better and easier than the one before it.
I am still blessed for yesterday’s session in opening up myself to a new level of being heard.. I have been talking to my therapist for years, but sometimes when I let the wall down to really be heard, it’s incredibly healing and leaves me room for more goodness and strength ahead.
So if you yourself are on a staircase of healing and it almost feels impossible at times to make another step, just take a look down at how far you have come, and then look back up and say “there may be more healing to come, but it will be better than the last step I took”.