This has been a horrible week for me thus far; so bad that I had to go in and see my therapist today on my day off from therapy – which is very rare that I have to lean on that.
I was emotionally triggered Monday evening and the trigger was so bad that it led me into days of crying, depression, and hopelessness.
The last time this happened was back in May when I began writing my book and hit some hard pain from my past. This however was different, and I have been stuck in it since.
I have no desire to move, do anything, talk to anyone, be with anyone, or even move forward in the things I planned to move forward. I have fought to get up out of bed and make it to therapy. I come home and lay on the couch and cry or sleep.
My therapist explained to me today that emotional triggers are extremely hard when it hits you. You defenses are broken down and you are raw and feeling every bit of the emotions that this trigger holds.
When we heal and move through healing our emotions to pain we are healing lay dormant like a cancer, and when something wakes up those emotions they spread through your mind and body like wildfire and that is what happened to me Monday.
I was doing great! I was feeling rested from my beach trip, I was feeling connected, I was feeling ready and powerful to move forward in the new plan my therapist had to heal the surfaced pain and then BAM a trigger hit me and sent me into a whirlwind of depression this week and it been bad.
There is nothing worse than crying and not knowing why you are crying. There is no worse feeling like feeling hopelessness and not knowing how to move out of it. There is nothing worse than feeling alone when you have support surrounding you and it seems like it’s not good enough.
The one thing I do know, these feelings will not last forever. I know this trigger will subside and the emotions behind the trigger will lay dormant again until I find more strength to heal why and what this trigger means.
I have to remind myself that I am loved, cared for, and supported, and I need to accept that my support is here to carry me until these feelings subside, and I have to believe that is OK!
The hardest part is knowing that the feelings will not last long, but wanting the feelings to go away NOW and you don’t know how to make it change. But I also have learned that time, patience, leaning on support, talking about it, and accepting love and support is the answer. It’s not about doing, it’s about being.
I don’t want to talk about the trigger because I don’t want to re-trigger myself, but it was bad enough to send me into what feels like the darkest hole that feels impossible to move out of.
What I hear is “this is going to last forever”, what the truth is “it’s not going to last forever, and I am already moving out of it” .. it’s amazing what you hear when you are in this place of hardness, as if all your beliefs and empowerment is taken away.
When these hard triggers hit, I don’t wish it on anyone! But the only thing to do is to take one step at a time knowing that each step is one more step out of the trigger and back into connection with life and self.