the path becoming clear
It’s no surprise to many people when I say that I had a pretty hard year this past year; a year filled with unsureness and triggers that presented my past at the surface in ways that I wasn’t sure how to heal.
There were some moments I found empowerment over this year, but surprise after surprise, lies after lies, and triggers after triggers kept me in a place of unsureness; a place of sitting in the middle of the path unsure of how to move forward with a huge part of my past sitting right in front of me looking me straight in the eyes.
I was filled with fear and didn’t know how to move forward.
This past week, something happened in a way of a shift. My therapist assured me of some things that really filled my soul with more hope; a reminder of my place in this healing and what the path ahead looks for me.
He assured me of how much he understand how hard this past year was for me, and even apologized for how hard this year was.
This was a great shift of assurance ….
I had tears because it’s the first time in a long time I felt sure of something; like this year long battle was finally moving away from me, and making the the path more clear.
I have felt a little more free in the past couple of months, It’s been a slow process, but a process I am trusting more each day.
The path is becoming more clear now, and instead of the road being foggy filled with unsureness, I know where I am going, and I can see all those around me clearer than I could before – and I have to say it’s a great feeling.
Many good things are happening right now, and it’s only making the road more sturdy to walk on, and I am up and walking and enjoying it a little more each day.
I sat with Father Paul my priest today who gave me so much insight as to what forgiveness looks like when I explained to him what happened to me in the past year and how painful it was being watched by someone who was triggering me and taking me out of my place of being.
My priest made me see that healing from that is praying for the person; forgiving this person. Forgiveness is not releasing this person of what they did to me, it’s creating more room inside of me to move forward. He explained to me that when we hold onto anger when someone wrongs us, it only creates abuse to ourselves over and over, and how letting go of that anger is making my path more clear for me to move forward.
I will be the first to admit that forgiveness towards people I am angry with, or hurt by is not an easy task, but if I want to move forward on the path that is in front of me, with the people who love and support me, I have to put down the bag of anger I have been carrying for year and let it be held by the person who made me feel this way. It’s not mine to hold.
When I left church I felt light and free. It felt amazing to walk without the heavy burden of being so angry at why this past year was so hard for me. I let go of trying to understand why anyone would want to trigger me and watch me. I let go of the lies this person held, and how this person didn’t own up to the truth. IT’s not mine to hold and tonight I am sitting with that and moving on.
Father Paul is right, it’s not mine to hold, and my empowerment is taking the path clear for me that my support holds for me.
I got an offer as well from an “english professor” who wants to edit and help publish my book. Call it God’s way of redirecting my focus to better things – I believe God has a hand in all things that come to us, we just have to open our eyes to see it.
The path is becoming clearer, and I am sure on this path there will hardness, but there will always be grace on the other side of the hardness, and if I Just let go of the things that weigh me down, I can move through anything that gets in my way.
From my therapist’s words of wisdom, assurance and support to Father Paul giving me words from God. My husband, family and friends who never left my side even when the path was dark to the people who connect with me through my writing showing me I am never alone on this path that was sometimes hard to see.
Tonight for the first time in a long long time I feel free, and at the same time I also know, that even when the path is clear, there are times when days will be harder than others. I know healing is hard, but when I set my eyes forward, and don’t lose focus, I can work through those tougher times.
I look forward to working on this new “inner healing” that we are working on; to heal the surfaced pain that this past year brought me.
Here’s to the path ahead, whatever is here along the way.
April 22, 2013 at 8:25 AM
This reminds me of Psalm 84 in the NIV. It says, in part, “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.” I love the word “pilgrimage” in the NIV. It reminds me that we’re always on that journey to find sanctuary in the courts of the Lord, in His dwelling place. Great post, Karen. Good stuff.
April 22, 2013 at 9:15 AM
thank you … and what a lovely script from the bible… psalms is my favorite – there is always an answer in psalms 🙂
April 23, 2013 at 10:09 AM
It is a huge challenge to be respectful and patient with someone who is not treating you with respect and kindness. I admire how diligently you have worked on yourself while being treated poorly by another person. I probably would have bolted a long time ago in such a situation. This must have been the ultimate test of building healthy boundaries and learning to trust your real support network.
These lines were powerful for me to read: “My priest made me see that healing from that is praying for the person; forgiving this person. Forgiveness is not releasing this person of what they did to me, it’s creating more room inside of me to move forward. He explained to me that when we hold onto anger when someone wrongs us, it only creates abuse to ourselves over and over, and how letting go of that anger is making my path more clear for me to move forward.
I’ve had a small epiphany about releasing anger towards another person when I felt they wronged me. I also was told to pray for them. When I tried to do that I couldn’t….but I tried and what happened was that all my pain and anger came flooding out. I learned that to ‘let go of the anger’ wasn’t just to ignore it or somehow magically ‘let it go’ as if I could do that by pushing a button inside myself. The letting go was to actually feel the pain and cry and vent about how it affected me. Just being willing to pray for the other person allowed me to release my anger at them. Then I could see how the anger and resentment and righteous feelings where the block to forgiveness. Holding on to the anger ‘at them’ kept me from feeling my deeper pain. Eventually I was able to pray for that person. But it didn’t feel like that meant they were ‘right’ or that I would have to allow them to hurt me again.
The amazing thing was that later….about a year later I was able to go and help that person when they needed help. But I was able to do it freely and with a bit of healthy distance. I’ve not been able to do this with other people that I’ve been hurt by. But it gave me a taste of what it can be like.
Thanks for sharing your process. I’d love to hear you talk more about forgiveness. That’s a topic I think about a lot and don’t understand much about.
April 23, 2013 at 3:40 PM
Gel .. love your comment .. always look forward to it. forgiveness is one of the HARDEST processes to go through.. for me I have not found forgiveness on those who hurt me when I Was child, that is still a work on progress.. nor do I forgive this woman for last year .. however letting GO is different.. letting go is relieving ME of what I was put through.. do I forgive? NO not right now I dont .. because the other person refuses to admit that she did what she did, and I can’t forgive someone who is in a constant LIE about what she did and yet tries to tell everyone else she did nothing wrong.. I can LET that go for ME but I wont forgive. Not right now I can’t, and my therapist totally agrees that I have the right to hold those feelings. Letting go allows me to “get to myself” and leave behind the negative this person put me through.. there is a difference for me. I disagree that forgiveness relieves us .. I dont believe that one bit .. I believe letting go does.
I told Father Larry that.. I said I can let go of the anger, btu forgivness is a little more work in it for me lol .