a little bit of change

f0c1bd9e6f2b4225e7615f056c97eacbI am in the process of doing a little change to my blog! No I am not changing the look except I am going to switch around some of the photos in the ticker above. I am going to change a little of the way I write.

For the past 5 years that I have been writing this blog, I have focused most of my energy on my therapy and healing and writing mostly about my process of healing and my therapy sessions.

Although I love to write about my process of healing, I also feel I am missing out on writing a lot of my everyday thoughts, feelings and processes.

I am a thinker! I love to think, I love to write about my thoughts, and I love to share moments that mean a lot of me other than just healing.

I am going to write about my health, my new routines in my physical health and working out. I am going to share more about my family and how they are incorporated into my healing. I am going to write about book reviews or quotes that I love and see during that day that touch me not only in my healing process, but outside my life.

I think pinpointing my writing to one subject for 5 years leaves me hanging in all my other thoughts I would love to write about.

YES I will still write about my process of healing in therapy because therapy is a huge part of my life, I still work hard 3-4 days a week in therapy while I am going through a very rough time in the physical health and emotional health, but I also want to invite others things in my writing.

I hope you all will love the changes. I plan to add more resources on my blog for others things as well. I am excited about this, because I feel sometimes I hit the cap of what I write about and I am left with all these other thoughts inside that I am itching to write about. This gives me an open canvas and that excites me!

I think my therapist Andy really inspired me open myself up more to let myself be seen all around and not just the things I struggle with. I am a hard worker, but I also have a lighter side to me as well and I would love to share that – just as I am sharing that in therapy now.

I am a lover of quotes and I would love to share more quotes photos I love and to share what my thoughts are on those quotes.

Of course having an open canvas may open me up to write more, so I may be writing everyday and that also makes me excited as I miss writing very much.

SO be on the lookout for some changes and I hope you enjoy all of me and my writing.

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comfort in the familiar

imagesSometimes you need to step back into the familiar to step forward into the unfamiliar. Sometimes you need to find comfort in the old things to have confidence stepping into new things.

My blog theme is back to the one I had when I first started this blog 3 years ago, and I love its simplicity, style and grace. It makes me feel connected back to why I fell in love with writing on this blog and connecting with others.

When I changed the address and the name of my blog last week to “Finding The Grace Within” I was happy but something was missing and it felt empty and sad.

I found myself not wanting to write new blog posts since I moved it, and that made me sad. I even found myself not wanting to share my blog posts in therapy.

Tonight as I sat with it longer I realized what it was, I missed the old simplicity of my old blog from the very beginning and how much it made it feel like home to me – so I put up the old theme and I love it and I feel back at home in this comfort.

I think sometimes when we make so many changes and movements forward, we tend to feel a little lost in the newness, and for me that was found in my blog this weekend. I made a new name, a new address but something was missing, and that was comfort.

So I no longer have the neat photo animation that my other blog had, and it doesn’t have all the gadgets of cool graphics, but its simple and it reminds me of what the blog used to be for me when I felt safe and loved to write before last year happened.

AS I was setting the older look back up I felt a comfort, safety, grace and connection to it. it reminds me of where I am in healing right now, and maybe a part of healing is found in leaning back into the things that make us comfortable while still moving forward.

It’s been a long time since I have enjoyed writing in my blog again, and changing the look was just what I needed this weekend. it reminds me of how it used to be and where I began in using my voice to heal, and it also reminds me of the movements I am making forward as well.

Me and my therapist talked about this very thing in therapy Friday. We talked about how sometimes when we get so clustered in working on something hard, we tend to lose sight of the very things that were so great in the hard work and how much that defined what our work is together.

We both talked about how we should bring some of that old familiar back into the therapy room, and how that would help by leaning back on the old and move forward in the new.

I work so hard in therapy and in my everyday life that sometimes its nice to lean on the familiar. it just centers me sometimes and reminds me of where I was, where I am, and where I want to be.

Almost like an old comfortable blanket you love – it feels like the same thing.

I am sure for some of you this theme of the blog will look very familiar, and to some it will be new, but either way I hope you all like it’s simplicity and grace.

I look forward to writing again, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say that.

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the love that surrounds me

SurroundedbyLovegoddesssmallcopyrigI dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.

I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).

I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.

Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.

I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.

For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.

Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.

I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.

I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.

I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.

Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.

Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.

Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.

I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.

I have now felt them to it’s fullest.

I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.

My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.

I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.

I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed

I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.

I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.

My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.

I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.

I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.

My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.

I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.

I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.

The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing

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