I am choosing {what I know}

I felt strong in session today as I stood and sat with my therapist honoring my anger. I was reminded today that my anger is right, and belongs to where it belongs, and not with me.

Part of working in therapy has been about building that strong foundation to stand on. A foundation where I can have all those emotions and still be strong enough to stand.

I have been going through a particular hard time with a certain situation and I realized today that, when dirt is thrown at you, and you feel that you are about to throw dirt back in your anger – you will lose your own ground.

I realized today that the dirt being thrown at me, only serves my foundation to be stronger. I am sitting here building my foundation – the more dirt that is thrown and I am challenged, mine gets stronger.

In my anger, of course you want to pick up the dirt and throw it right back, but I am taking from my foundation; that foundation that serves a purpose in my healing.

I am not about to take from my ground.. my ground is solid and strong, not weak and crumbled.

This is a hard thing I am going through right now. When you feel like you have been wronged, it’s hard to not take that dirt and throw it right back.. but the empowerment is knowing what to do that with that dirt being thrown at you, not throwing it back.

I was in the tension between picking up that dirt, getting ready to throw it back with hopes there were rocks in there as well – but that is not me. I am the type of person that will look at the dirt thrown at me, observe it, see all sides to it, and then I put it down and move through it.

What I realized today? I am only making my foundation stronger by keeping that which is thrown at me, and applying it to my strength! The other person is losing their ground – I on the other hand am becoming empowered.

Today while I stood there with my therapist, I realized to choose what I know, I choose what I know over anger thrown back.

What I know today is that, I have the most amazing support in my life. support that helps me move through these hard moment. What I know is that I have a strong foundation that holds me and all my emotions. What I know is that I am a good writer, and my writing heals, and helps not only me, but others. What I know is, I am stronger than this, I have a powerful foundation.

What I know is, all the reasons stated in my blog yesterday {inside the 4 walls of therapy}.

What I know is what I trust. God will never abandon me. What is know is that I am loved, supported and cared for by my therapist, my friends, my family, god, the people of my church.

What I know is, I will not throw dirt back, I will take it, I will throw it down to the ground, I will push it into my already firm foundation and use it as more leverage in my healing!

It will take some work, but I can move through this – and what I have also learned is that, when I am hurt by someone, I come back 10 times stronger, even when it hurts.

“When you throw dirt, you lose ground” –  I will wash my hands of those not worthy of getting my hands dirty for ♥

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rest in the {knowing}

Nothing is more comforting than just “resting in the knowing”. I was reminded of this today “rest in the knowing” – “find a soft place to land” “rest in what is true and real” “connection is all around you”.

Today was a comforting day for many reasons. When I can rest in the knowing and feel completely connected – I heal.

When I am walking on my path towards me, and I am allowing myself to be surrounded by those who love, care and support me and where I am – I heal.

It’s no surprise that I have had a very tough rough patch – but that is now changing. It took me being in a hard place to give me more strength. it took me being in a hard place to truly see who is around me, who I can trust, and that the connection is even stronger! when I feel connected – I heal.

Today I woke up and felt something new. I felt what I know, what I trust, what I have always trusted. I felt supported, I felt grace, I felt love, I felt God, I felt all the things that help me to heal.

I dont think I have ever said this before, but I am actually really looking forward to the week ahead. I am looking forward to the week of healing; to find me again, and to accept support, connection and wisdom not only with those around me, but within myself.

I have sat here tonight as I am moving through my blog and writing, and I am resting in the knowing and it feels really good! It’s the first time I have felt this way in a while. I trust it.

My therapist always says to be “I wish you could find a soft place to land” – well I can tell him I had some of that today. I had some of that because I trust what I feel – the knowing.

The knowing of the trust I have put over 5 years in my healing now. The knowing of those is around me. The knowing of the people who care and support me in this journey. The knowing that God is always by my side no matter what comes towards me. The knowing of those 5 words “I can talk about anything” “we can talk about anything”…. and the knowing that even when there are dark times, there is still light.

Tonight I rest in the knowing – tomorrow I will wake in the knowing – next week I will heal in the knowing!

 

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks.

I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing.

Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness.

I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward.

I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently.

I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that each connection I accept is another light to my path.

It’s no surprise that the past couple of weeks for me have been grueling! I have had moments that I wanted to give up – I have had moments that nothing made sense to me. I had moments to anger and frustration! Those are the moments that the path is dim, but never dark.

I have learned in this path to healing that the road is never fully lit! You will go through moments of dim and what seems like darkness, but in real, those are the places you rest and gather strength (just like we need to sleep at night with the lights off).

There is one thing I have always told my therapist and that is “I cannot work when I feel disconnected”. When I feel connected I can get through almost anything… but as time as gone by, I have learned that I CAN work in disconnection… those are the moments I learn, and gather wisdom, and strength, and wonder. IT has allowed me to trust the connection even in the dark.

My journey in healing has been about learning to trust what is there even when I can’t see it. Yes it’s more comfortable and trusting when we can see it, but imagine how much more powerful it is to accept in the dark; in those places that don’t feel as connected. Those are the moments you need to grab a hold of connection.

Tonight I feel more connected to me, my support and God. It’s a feeling that I just feel deep within. I am coming out of this darkness I have been in for weeks now.

For the first time in weeks I am looking forward to my healing in therapy this upcoming week! I feel something is on the verge of happening and I feel “GOOD” all around me. Those are the feelings that bring light to my path – connection and trust; those are the brighter parts to my path.

 

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