quieting the inner child

innerchild (1)I struggle with the inner voice to my past everyday; the inner voice being the past beliefs of all that I was told, all that I believed, and all that I was abused into.

Everyone has that little voice of reason inside of them, you know, It’s that gut feeling, or voice inside that allows us to weigh out hard decisions or choices.

That inner voice that warns us that something doesn’t feel quite right, a second guess, a doubt, or a fear. Well imagine living with that every day – welcome to my life.

For me, the inner voice is my past, and it keeps me from doing anything without a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th guess – TRUST WHAT?

The inner voice is the child I was when I was abused. I was abused sexually from the age of 5 till I was 11, but the beliefs and the inner voice is the 9 year old, because that is the age I came to the understanding that what was happening was not right, and “hey, this is not right, this doesn’t feel right anymore, they are hurting me, not loving me”.

That is the age I started to fight inside and knew deep deep inside that this is not what a child should be doing or going through. This is the age I started to fight them off, and this is the age I started to plan the “how do I tell” – and I did tell at the age of 10.

The 9 year old child inside today is the past and the beliefs that no matter what anyone says, it will have it’s say before I can rationally be what what is vs what I hear.

When someone says something, I have to hear it 2 or 3 times before I even consider it to be true or right or true. There is always that voice inside of me that doubts everyone’s intentions – there HAS to be a motive, how can anyone do anything for me without there be some form of abuse attached to it.

As the adult today over 40, married, and who has 3 beautiful boys of her own, I know I am no longer in that abuse. I know I am not being hurt, but that little voice inside of me always makes me take a step back in fear – because nothing is safe.

There is a good side to that, but there is also a bad side to that; or as my therapist would describe it – “a blessing and a curse”. The blessing is, it allows me to have boundaries and walls that are needed.. the curse is it allows me boundaries and walls that are not needed.

When someone tells me “I care about you” the inner voice of the past say “at what cost?, whats in it for you?”.

When I am told I am supported, loved and cared for, that small voice inside says “yeah but, what if, are you sure?, maybe I am not good enough”.

This is a huge obstacle for me in my healing and always has been. It has been helpful at times, and other times it has gotten in my way from accepting the beautiful things that people offer me.

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five minute friday {friends}

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Welcome to Five Minute Friday .. this week’s Five Minute Friday word hit way too close for home for me (painfully). The word is “what mama did” and I simply dont choose to write about that, so I went back and chose a 5 minute friday word from the list last year that I did not do, so today I chose {Friends}

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One of the things my therapist tells me all the time is “you have chosen wonderful people in your life“. It’s true, I have a great group of friends that I chose in my life that are safe, supporting, and understanding.

Everyone of my friends that I hold in my life have a different purpose and hold something special and unique about them.

My closest dearest friend is Tracy. Tracy is a truly beautiful friend inside and out. She is fun, funny, outgoing, and so fun to talk with.

Tracy is a licensee professional therapist and she has a beautiful way of helping people to heal. She may not be my therapist, but she has really helped me along side of my healing and my therapist to move me through many hard times.

She was one of the first people I got close to down here in Georgia when I first moved down here 8 years ago. She is understanding, caring, giving, and one of the few who truly know my story inside and out. I love you Tracy, and you know I don’t just give out my love to just anyone.

I have a trust issues, so those who are in my life as my friends I have really put trust in, and they are good honest wonderful people.

I have different types of friends. I have my church friends who walk along with me in my faith. Friends that I meet in church in the faith and share that wonderful bond that the church holds.

I have the friends who I grew up with who know me inside and out. I have girlfriends that I love to go shopping with and get my nails done with. Then there are the friends who offer their ears and know my heart and support me through the good, bad, sad, and the joy.

I think friends are so important to have, and I am SO incredibly blessed to have those friends in my life that I hold near and dear to my heart. Thank you for being the ears, the arms, and the voice in my life.

Thank you for being my friend.

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Make sure to check out yesterday’s blog writing – [The Grace in Letting Go]

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5 minute friday – community

Five minute Friday we bloggers write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

write for 5 minutes, no back-drafting, no editing – today’s word is: community

Start:  I am going to be honest, I am not much of a person to be in large amounts of community.

I have always been a quiet and reserved person. I have been a loner all my life, and only chose people in my life who I felt safe around.

I have learned so much about connection in therapy. It has been the base core of my healing. It’s how my therapist and I work, we are constantly in connection, and I am always reminded that connection is there for me – SO I have taken that base core of connection that I have learned to trust, and I have taken it to the outside and I learned to be in community with others – but small community.

When I see the word “community” I also think about the connection with God, and how he puts people in my life to be in community with – through connection.

I dont fancy large crowds – but I love having an intimate relationship one on one with those who I have taken my time to be in community with.

However, I do truly believe that community – connection, and you cannot be in a part of a community unless you are in connection.

I have a wonderful community in my church. When I go to church every Sunday at 11am Mass, I am surrounded by people I love and trust, and feel the presence of God around.

When I think about community I also think about the world of “writing” community; like us bloggers who love to write through our life’s trivial mess, and use the community to share it with others.

My honest truth is, I would rather be connected to a small group of people who lift me up, rather than be in a huge community to where I could get lost in the shuffle.

– but when you look at it i a whole, God created us to be connected and in community with others, and you can’t have one without the other, it’s up to us how we choose to be in community with others; whether it be small and intimate, or large and open to all.

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