Everyone has that little voice of reason inside of them, you know, It’s that gut feeling, or voice inside that allows us to weigh out hard decisions or choices.
That inner voice that warns us that something doesn’t feel quite right, a second guess, a doubt, or a fear. Well imagine living with that every day – welcome to my life.
For me, the inner voice is my past, and it keeps me from doing anything without a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th guess – TRUST WHAT?
The inner voice is the child I was when I was abused. I was abused sexually from the age of 5 till I was 11, but the beliefs and the inner voice is the 9 year old, because that is the age I came to the understanding that what was happening was not right, and “hey, this is not right, this doesn’t feel right anymore, they are hurting me, not loving me”.
That is the age I started to fight inside and knew deep deep inside that this is not what a child should be doing or going through. This is the age I started to fight them off, and this is the age I started to plan the “how do I tell” – and I did tell at the age of 10.
The 9 year old child inside today is the past and the beliefs that no matter what anyone says, it will have it’s say before I can rationally be what what is vs what I hear.
When someone says something, I have to hear it 2 or 3 times before I even consider it to be true or right or true. There is always that voice inside of me that doubts everyone’s intentions – there HAS to be a motive, how can anyone do anything for me without there be some form of abuse attached to it.
As the adult today over 40, married, and who has 3 beautiful boys of her own, I know I am no longer in that abuse. I know I am not being hurt, but that little voice inside of me always makes me take a step back in fear – because nothing is safe.
There is a good side to that, but there is also a bad side to that; or as my therapist would describe it – “a blessing and a curse”. The blessing is, it allows me to have boundaries and walls that are needed.. the curse is it allows me boundaries and walls that are not needed.
When someone tells me “I care about you” the inner voice of the past say “at what cost?, whats in it for you?”.
When I am told I am supported, loved and cared for, that small voice inside says “yeah but, what if, are you sure?, maybe I am not good enough”.
This is a huge obstacle for me in my healing and always has been. It has been helpful at times, and other times it has gotten in my way from accepting the beautiful things that people offer me.