Tuesday at Ten {TRUST}

HERE(1)Welcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt Word or Prompt phrase” as a part of your writing.

Each week I post a prompt word or phrase and you finish the phrase and or write about the word chosen. write how that word or phrase fits you and your life or your thoughts.

Whether it be just writing a story behind the word or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.

**Something new ** that we are adding to the mix, I am now going to be doing MONTHLY Give-aways for one lucky writer who is a part of the Tuesday at Ten.I will be posting the give away once a month, but in order to win, you have to contribute a write up on the word or phrase each week of that month to enter at the end of the month.

Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! A new Prompt word is posted every Tuesday Morning at 10am, the link up closes at 11pm the night before.

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page to view the winner and for daily news! We also have a new FACEBOOK GROUP PAGE for Tuesday at Ten on facebook that is in the works to connect more! More on that to come! Check the facebook page for more info!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN

This weeks prompt phrase is:

{ TRUST  }

 

Continue Reading

31 Days {Day 23} Finding New Trust

770776b96b98399f05dcaac1c1759ed9It has taken me a very long time to accept that I have an inner young child within me; an inner child that everyone has, only mine is stuck and has been stuck since she was 5 years old!

Stuck in the old messages, stuck in the old feelings, stuck in the old fears and disconnection. Stuck in the world where “no one is safe” “nothing is safe” and “everyone lies and hurts“.

This year has been a lot of accepting of that inner young child work that I have been doing in therapy, and I can finally say “I do have a young inner child”.

The moment I became accepting to this, it became easier to see and feel when the young part in me hears old messages and lies; those lies that stop me (the adult me) from being who I need to be.

I have been working very hard to change those old messages, listen to them, hear them, be with the fear that the young inner child is feeling and working with that by replacing it with truth and a safe connection.

Not always easy, and sometimes very painful – but she’s getting there.

This past Thursday in session, I finally began feeling like the younger inner child is finally having this big trust for my therapist – after 8 years of work together, I think the young part is finally beginning to trust the process of the work we do, and trusting my therapist and the connection he offers and the words he speak

This is a big deal!!!!

 

A lot of times the young inner child within me really puts messages in my head that are really hard to battle sometimes. There will be times when I want to take steps, but something won’t allow me, and I am finally realizing it’s the younger me holding onto old messages and lies and steering my course to healing – when I the adult me wants to move forward!

Its a constant battle

 

My therapist has told me many times that everyone has an inner child, only some people have an inner child who has grown up along side of the adult they have become. Sometimes that inner child will show up in the fun side of the adult we can be – the adult who wants to play or be funny, or just wants to BE!

My inner child doesn’t know what its like to be loved, cared for, playing and having fun, enjoying being a kid! She only knew the abuse, the lies, the fear and abandonment! She stopped growing and got stuck inside those fears while I grew up NUMB and afraid to connect with others.

Until 8 years ago, when I got the help I knew I needed!!

 

Today, even after 8 years, it’s still a hard process, but one that is becoming easier to journey. I am slowly noticing the difference between messages I hear that are from the past vs messages I hear from the truth today. It’s a process that takes time.

I felt something Thursday when hearing my therapist talk about something and there was a quiet joy inside, it was “her listening and not battling me with the old messages… she allowed me to hear and even believe which was SO different!

It didn’t stop from old messages getting in the way the next day or even today, but you know what? that one moment of that inner child just allowing me to stop, listen, and hear truth while allowing me to feel connection in a hug that I could feel and trust from my therapist was GOOD and was REAL and it’s something to hold hope in!

It Begins!

 

the journey has taken a new turn and I am excited yet scared about what is next.

Continue Reading

that old familiar feeling

1a23f0426bb24ca33b8161a27e3e029eIt took me a long long time to really feel comfortable in the therapy room when I started therapy 6 years ago.

I remember my first steps into the therapy room and how scared I was. I sat in the leather chair with one foot out the door, and now years later, it’s a room filled with my story, and my healing; a place where I am accepted, supported, loved and heard fully.

I am in that space 4 days a week with Tuesday being 2 hours, you would have to say it’s like another little home for me; home to my healing, home to a place I expose my wounds. Home to a place I also invite God to heal along side of me.

Therapy for me is not just about showing up in a room being stuck with the past. Therapy is about learning, growing, getting to know myself while having someone along side of me to help me walk the path of unsureness.

Therapy is about trusting another person with the scars and pain that binded me for so long. Therapy is about relationship and taking someone along into the world that was dark and being guided to find the light.

Therapy for me is finding who God created me to be, and not what others wanted to create inside of me. Therapy is a process, and a process that so far in 6 years has changed me so much that I don’t even remember the person I was behind the walls that surrounded me.

If you look around the therapy room you will see things on his desk that I have brought in over the years like the healing hope box and the timeline books.

There is a little zen garden that I got my therapist a long time ago at the beach that holds small little meaningful things that represent me and my healing – milestones of moments that mean something to a part of my story.

There is a cup that has the word “Dance” on it written in chalk, and a cross made from one of the “Palm Sunday” services I went to that we plan to make to ashes one day.

The therapy room is shared by many wonderful clients; people who also share their stories and pain – but when I walk in, I feel in those moments, it’s my little corner of the world where I heal, where I am fully accepted to be heard and it feels safe and comforting.

This past year while I was going through an unexpected/unfortunate situation that ruptured the even-flow of the room and my healing in therapy, it was hard showing up and feeling as if my healing place was safe, healing or comfortable. It felt compromised by a situation I had no control over.

It held stress, sadness and an unsureness for a while – but I kept showing up! I never gave up my healing process no matter how hard it was and trusted that it will feel that way again, I just needed to trust it – 6 years of trust was what I held onto.

Today when I walked into session, something felt hugely familiar again; something felt really comforting. I don’t know what that change was, but it brought me back to before all the past hard year happened.. it felt familiar.

I sat on the couch with my therapist and I looked around (per my usual routine) before moving into the talking with him, and something shifted and it felt like a good familiar – even though I still showed up in the hardness, today it felt different.

I looked over at my healing box, I looked over at my words that still stand big on the white board that says “I choose to heal and dance with confidence“. I looked over at the tree photo that hangs to my left, I looked over at the zen garden and all the little things inside of it that represent me and my healing.

I looked at my therapist and just felt “home” again, even though I am there many days a week – something felt hugely familiar and it gave me goosebumps and a smiling heart inside.

I remember saying to myself in session this afternoon “thank you God”. “Thank you God for helping me to see what has always been here, but was just covered by hardness for a while.

I don’t know if it’s because I finally feel the year-long battle of this situation that happened has finally come to a close with some peace?

I don’t know if it’s GOD showing up and saying “this is a safe place to heal as it always has been, accept it and see the goodness in it”.

I don’t know if it was the great talk my therapist had with me today that brought me into the familiar again.

Whatever it is, it felt good; the best its felt in a long time.

My therapist felt the same shift … like a familiar part of me came through today, and he was excited and we celebrated that something small shifted in the room today.

Today I felt there was a part of me that settled back into what was always familiar for me in this room – the safe-ness, the comfort and support, and the great energy of connection and of course the wonderful wisdom and knowledge I love to hear.

Even though I show up 4 days a week and have never quit or given up – I have to say “I’ve missed it” and it feels good to be in the familiar feeling again.

Healing is a hard process, and it’s not always easy to show up in a place where your wounds have been and are exposed, gutted  and prodded over and over! But along with that comes the process, the learning, and the support inside of it that helps heal the exposed hardness.

I’m smiling and taking a deep breath right now. I am writing this today because it feels so good and right and I wanted to share it, and there is more to healing and writing than just the hard stuff – there is the goodness that shows up right in the middle of the hardness and today was one of those days for me.

I am glad I can take you all along with me in the goodness today – thank you for giving me that opportunity to be open no matter what is here, good or bad, happy or sad, anger or elation .. it’s nice to have people walk aside of me in all those feelings.

I look forward to showing up next week … to that familiar feeling that was always there, but just covered for a while.

Continue Reading

quieting the inner child

innerchild (1)I struggle with the inner voice to my past everyday; the inner voice being the past beliefs of all that I was told, all that I believed, and all that I was abused into.

Everyone has that little voice of reason inside of them, you know, It’s that gut feeling, or voice inside that allows us to weigh out hard decisions or choices.

That inner voice that warns us that something doesn’t feel quite right, a second guess, a doubt, or a fear. Well imagine living with that every day – welcome to my life.

For me, the inner voice is my past, and it keeps me from doing anything without a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th guess – TRUST WHAT?

The inner voice is the child I was when I was abused. I was abused sexually from the age of 5 till I was 11, but the beliefs and the inner voice is the 9 year old, because that is the age I came to the understanding that what was happening was not right, and “hey, this is not right, this doesn’t feel right anymore, they are hurting me, not loving me”.

That is the age I started to fight inside and knew deep deep inside that this is not what a child should be doing or going through. This is the age I started to fight them off, and this is the age I started to plan the “how do I tell” – and I did tell at the age of 10.

The 9 year old child inside today is the past and the beliefs that no matter what anyone says, it will have it’s say before I can rationally be what what is vs what I hear.

When someone says something, I have to hear it 2 or 3 times before I even consider it to be true or right or true. There is always that voice inside of me that doubts everyone’s intentions – there HAS to be a motive, how can anyone do anything for me without there be some form of abuse attached to it.

As the adult today over 40, married, and who has 3 beautiful boys of her own, I know I am no longer in that abuse. I know I am not being hurt, but that little voice inside of me always makes me take a step back in fear – because nothing is safe.

There is a good side to that, but there is also a bad side to that; or as my therapist would describe it – “a blessing and a curse”. The blessing is, it allows me to have boundaries and walls that are needed.. the curse is it allows me boundaries and walls that are not needed.

When someone tells me “I care about you” the inner voice of the past say “at what cost?, whats in it for you?”.

When I am told I am supported, loved and cared for, that small voice inside says “yeah but, what if, are you sure?, maybe I am not good enough”.

This is a huge obstacle for me in my healing and always has been. It has been helpful at times, and other times it has gotten in my way from accepting the beautiful things that people offer me.

Continue Reading

five minute friday {friends}

393046_368050789902574_1013141864_n
Welcome to Five Minute Friday .. this week’s Five Minute Friday word hit way too close for home for me (painfully). The word is “what mama did” and I simply dont choose to write about that, so I went back and chose a 5 minute friday word from the list last year that I did not do, so today I chose {Friends}

Start

One of the things my therapist tells me all the time is “you have chosen wonderful people in your life“. It’s true, I have a great group of friends that I chose in my life that are safe, supporting, and understanding.

Everyone of my friends that I hold in my life have a different purpose and hold something special and unique about them.

My closest dearest friend is Tracy. Tracy is a truly beautiful friend inside and out. She is fun, funny, outgoing, and so fun to talk with.

Tracy is a licensee professional therapist and she has a beautiful way of helping people to heal. She may not be my therapist, but she has really helped me along side of my healing and my therapist to move me through many hard times.

She was one of the first people I got close to down here in Georgia when I first moved down here 8 years ago. She is understanding, caring, giving, and one of the few who truly know my story inside and out. I love you Tracy, and you know I don’t just give out my love to just anyone.

I have a trust issues, so those who are in my life as my friends I have really put trust in, and they are good honest wonderful people.

I have different types of friends. I have my church friends who walk along with me in my faith. Friends that I meet in church in the faith and share that wonderful bond that the church holds.

I have the friends who I grew up with who know me inside and out. I have girlfriends that I love to go shopping with and get my nails done with. Then there are the friends who offer their ears and know my heart and support me through the good, bad, sad, and the joy.

I think friends are so important to have, and I am SO incredibly blessed to have those friends in my life that I hold near and dear to my heart. Thank you for being the ears, the arms, and the voice in my life.

Thank you for being my friend.

END

Make sure to check out yesterday’s blog writing – [The Grace in Letting Go]

Continue Reading

5 minute friday – community

Five minute Friday we bloggers write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

write for 5 minutes, no back-drafting, no editing – today’s word is: community

Start:  I am going to be honest, I am not much of a person to be in large amounts of community.

I have always been a quiet and reserved person. I have been a loner all my life, and only chose people in my life who I felt safe around.

I have learned so much about connection in therapy. It has been the base core of my healing. It’s how my therapist and I work, we are constantly in connection, and I am always reminded that connection is there for me – SO I have taken that base core of connection that I have learned to trust, and I have taken it to the outside and I learned to be in community with others – but small community.

When I see the word “community” I also think about the connection with God, and how he puts people in my life to be in community with – through connection.

I dont fancy large crowds – but I love having an intimate relationship one on one with those who I have taken my time to be in community with.

However, I do truly believe that community – connection, and you cannot be in a part of a community unless you are in connection.

I have a wonderful community in my church. When I go to church every Sunday at 11am Mass, I am surrounded by people I love and trust, and feel the presence of God around.

When I think about community I also think about the world of “writing” community; like us bloggers who love to write through our life’s trivial mess, and use the community to share it with others.

My honest truth is, I would rather be connected to a small group of people who lift me up, rather than be in a huge community to where I could get lost in the shuffle.

– but when you look at it i a whole, God created us to be connected and in community with others, and you can’t have one without the other, it’s up to us how we choose to be in community with others; whether it be small and intimate, or large and open to all.

END

 

Continue Reading

I am choosing {what I know}

I felt strong in session today as I stood and sat with my therapist honoring my anger. I was reminded today that my anger is right, and belongs to where it belongs, and not with me.

Part of working in therapy has been about building that strong foundation to stand on. A foundation where I can have all those emotions and still be strong enough to stand.

I have been going through a particular hard time with a certain situation and I realized today that, when dirt is thrown at you, and you feel that you are about to throw dirt back in your anger – you will lose your own ground.

I realized today that the dirt being thrown at me, only serves my foundation to be stronger. I am sitting here building my foundation – the more dirt that is thrown and I am challenged, mine gets stronger.

In my anger, of course you want to pick up the dirt and throw it right back, but I am taking from my foundation; that foundation that serves a purpose in my healing.

I am not about to take from my ground.. my ground is solid and strong, not weak and crumbled.

This is a hard thing I am going through right now. When you feel like you have been wronged, it’s hard to not take that dirt and throw it right back.. but the empowerment is knowing what to do that with that dirt being thrown at you, not throwing it back.

I was in the tension between picking up that dirt, getting ready to throw it back with hopes there were rocks in there as well – but that is not me. I am the type of person that will look at the dirt thrown at me, observe it, see all sides to it, and then I put it down and move through it.

What I realized today? I am only making my foundation stronger by keeping that which is thrown at me, and applying it to my strength! The other person is losing their ground – I on the other hand am becoming empowered.

Today while I stood there with my therapist, I realized to choose what I know, I choose what I know over anger thrown back.

What I know today is that, I have the most amazing support in my life. support that helps me move through these hard moment. What I know is that I have a strong foundation that holds me and all my emotions. What I know is that I am a good writer, and my writing heals, and helps not only me, but others. What I know is, I am stronger than this, I have a powerful foundation.

What I know is, all the reasons stated in my blog yesterday {inside the 4 walls of therapy}.

What I know is what I trust. God will never abandon me. What is know is that I am loved, supported and cared for by my therapist, my friends, my family, god, the people of my church.

What I know is, I will not throw dirt back, I will take it, I will throw it down to the ground, I will push it into my already firm foundation and use it as more leverage in my healing!

It will take some work, but I can move through this – and what I have also learned is that, when I am hurt by someone, I come back 10 times stronger, even when it hurts.

“When you throw dirt, you lose ground” –  I will wash my hands of those not worthy of getting my hands dirty for ♥

Continue Reading

rest in the {knowing}

Nothing is more comforting than just “resting in the knowing”. I was reminded of this today “rest in the knowing” – “find a soft place to land” “rest in what is true and real” “connection is all around you”.

Today was a comforting day for many reasons. When I can rest in the knowing and feel completely connected – I heal.

When I am walking on my path towards me, and I am allowing myself to be surrounded by those who love, care and support me and where I am – I heal.

It’s no surprise that I have had a very tough rough patch – but that is now changing. It took me being in a hard place to give me more strength. it took me being in a hard place to truly see who is around me, who I can trust, and that the connection is even stronger! when I feel connected – I heal.

Today I woke up and felt something new. I felt what I know, what I trust, what I have always trusted. I felt supported, I felt grace, I felt love, I felt God, I felt all the things that help me to heal.

I dont think I have ever said this before, but I am actually really looking forward to the week ahead. I am looking forward to the week of healing; to find me again, and to accept support, connection and wisdom not only with those around me, but within myself.

I have sat here tonight as I am moving through my blog and writing, and I am resting in the knowing and it feels really good! It’s the first time I have felt this way in a while. I trust it.

My therapist always says to be “I wish you could find a soft place to land” – well I can tell him I had some of that today. I had some of that because I trust what I feel – the knowing.

The knowing of the trust I have put over 5 years in my healing now. The knowing of those is around me. The knowing of the people who care and support me in this journey. The knowing that God is always by my side no matter what comes towards me. The knowing of those 5 words “I can talk about anything” “we can talk about anything”…. and the knowing that even when there are dark times, there is still light.

Tonight I rest in the knowing – tomorrow I will wake in the knowing – next week I will heal in the knowing!

 

Continue Reading