31 Days {Day 23} Finding New Trust

770776b96b98399f05dcaac1c1759ed9It has taken me a very long time to accept that I have an inner young child within me; an inner child that everyone has, only mine is stuck and has been stuck since she was 5 years old!

Stuck in the old messages, stuck in the old feelings, stuck in the old fears and disconnection. Stuck in the world where “no one is safe” “nothing is safe” and “everyone lies and hurts“.

This year has been a lot of accepting of that inner young child work that I have been doing in therapy, and I can finally say “I do have a young inner child”.

The moment I became accepting to this, it became easier to see and feel when the young part in me hears old messages and lies; those lies that stop me (the adult me) from being who I need to be.

I have been working very hard to change those old messages, listen to them, hear them, be with the fear that the young inner child is feeling and working with that by replacing it with truth and a safe connection.

Not always easy, and sometimes very painful – but she’s getting there.

This past Thursday in session, I finally began feeling like the younger inner child is finally having this big trust for my therapist – after 8 years of work together, I think the young part is finally beginning to trust the process of the work we do, and trusting my therapist and the connection he offers and the words he speak

This is a big deal!!!!

 

A lot of times the young inner child within me really puts messages in my head that are really hard to battle sometimes. There will be times when I want to take steps, but something won’t allow me, and I am finally realizing it’s the younger me holding onto old messages and lies and steering my course to healing – when I the adult me wants to move forward!

Its a constant battle

 

My therapist has told me many times that everyone has an inner child, only some people have an inner child who has grown up along side of the adult they have become. Sometimes that inner child will show up in the fun side of the adult we can be – the adult who wants to play or be funny, or just wants to BE!

My inner child doesn’t know what its like to be loved, cared for, playing and having fun, enjoying being a kid! She only knew the abuse, the lies, the fear and abandonment! She stopped growing and got stuck inside those fears while I grew up NUMB and afraid to connect with others.

Until 8 years ago, when I got the help I knew I needed!!

 

Today, even after 8 years, it’s still a hard process, but one that is becoming easier to journey. I am slowly noticing the difference between messages I hear that are from the past vs messages I hear from the truth today. It’s a process that takes time.

I felt something Thursday when hearing my therapist talk about something and there was a quiet joy inside, it was “her listening and not battling me with the old messages… she allowed me to hear and even believe which was SO different!

It didn’t stop from old messages getting in the way the next day or even today, but you know what? that one moment of that inner child just allowing me to stop, listen, and hear truth while allowing me to feel connection in a hug that I could feel and trust from my therapist was GOOD and was REAL and it’s something to hold hope in!

It Begins!

 

the journey has taken a new turn and I am excited yet scared about what is next.

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being good enough

I-am-Good-Enough-setting21I have been working on a small art project, or at least trying to, and I haven’t had the courage to really dig deep into it, and I think fear is holding me back.

Fear of not doing it good enough, fear it wont be what I hope for!

The same thing goes with my writing in the blog. I used to write all the time, almost every day in my blog, and for some reason I have just come to a complete STOP!

Fear of not doing it good enough, or finding the perfect words to say!

My therapist said something to me in session this morning that really gave me the courage to write this blog and push past this block that has been here for weeks, and that is “you can’t mess up the project your working on, because however it turns out, it will be good enough because you did it“.

I can write drafts, I can make practice journal art pages, I can trial all the things I want to do before the real thing, but truth is, no matter how right or wrong I do it, it will be good enough, because it’s ME and WHO I AM.

I think a lot of my blocks in not writing is fear I won’t do it right, or fear my words are not strong enough. Fear it wont be accepted or make sense. Fear I wont be happy with it and not feel good enough! …

Then there are fears that so make sense … fears that I am still healing and recovering from ..

It stops now! I am going to take my therapist’s wisdom and be who I am no how messy or right I get it. I love the quote

“we can only ever be who we really are, good enough”

I am done trying to wait for the perfect moment to write the best blog with the best words, or waiting to work on this amazing journal page I am ready to work on, no matter how un-perfect it is, its going to be perfect because its me and who I am.

I showed my therapist the “TESTER JOURNAL PAGE” I worked on this past weekend, and he was in AWE of it .. he said to me “this is the test journal art page? to him he though it was perfect as it was, to me it was just a test before the real one is made.. he made me realize that what I worked on was good enough, that is me and who I am.. I created that whether it was the real thing or not.

The same goes with my writing from now on … as I continue to make steps out of this isolation and healing I am working so hard through, I will show up as I am.. messiness and all .. the good and the hard..  emotions and all .. being GOOD ENOUGH for who I am.

It feels good to sit here and write … just letting the words flow off my fingers as I write and not worry if I am doing a good job writing what I want to write.. because this.. today .. will be … GOOD ENOUGH!

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my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

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letting {fear} write the script – no more

d46dadfa4eb678318ca9db801a7ae7b1I saw this quote last weekend and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since!

This quote really opened my heart and my mind to so many things around me; especially looking back on this hard year I have had.

The quote was this:

“Our eyes are not just viewers they are also projectors that are running a 2nd story over the picture that we see in front of us all the time! Fear is writing that script, and the working title is “I will never be enough”.

When I read that quote it was like something huge shifted inside of me; something that I have never felt before. Something changed, I changed, my feelings changed, my outlook changed!

If you really read the quote, it tells us that no matter what we have going on in front of us, there is always a 2nd story being written over what is really here! FEAR writes the script of what it is that is really here and that fear gets in the way at times, and most of the time that script is telling us “I am not enough”.

This quote has defined exactly what the past couple of years has been for me.

As readers of my blog, I know you have read many different versions of what I am going through. Sometimes I feel on top of hope, and other times I am not so sure. I have written about the REALLY hard, and the REALLY good. I have had moments where I thought I was going through a really good shift, but then realized later it was false hope.

This time, it feels SO different! I feel SO different!

Something shifted over thanksgiving break and I have never felt a sense of movement like I do now. I have never felt so connected as I do now.

Over thanksgiving break I took a step out of my head and really got clear about what was going on around me. I told my therapist that I wanted the week of Thanksgiving break to be time for me to get out of my head and time for me. I didn’t want to connect over break; that I trusted the really good connection we have.

It was a great break for me to get out of my head, away from the healing, and really get curious and clear about where I am! it was amazing!

This past year has been about not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, not feeling good about myself causing me to be in this place of isolation… but what was really going on inside of me? What was causing this isolation?

What 2nd story was being played out in front of what was real? I realized, it was FEAR .. and knowing that now gives me hope of what I need to do next! In fact, I am changing hope to faith – because faith holds more promise than hope.

Coming back into my healing after the Thanksgiving break was nothing short of amazing connection! This past week was the best week I have ever had in therapy! I am more connected now than I have ever been – ever!

My therapist and I are both so excited about the path going forward! So many thoughts and ideas I have about what caused this isolation and what is really here in front of me that needs a place to be placed.

Today my therapist and I were talking about this big shift and he was glowing with excitement! He slid over to me and gave me the biggest hug of connection telling me how proud he was of me and just how DIFFERENT he see’s this shift to be and how there is big opportunity here in this big shift! It’s EXCITING!

I plan to share some of these steps with you all. I know I haven’t written much in the past week and a half, but I took a small week or so break from writing so I could really get clear about this new shift and path I am on. I didn’t want to jump ahead too quickly before I really knew what God was showing me.

I have come to realize that FEAR is the script that got in the way of where I was going this past year, and more so the past COUPLE of years. I let outside circumstances really steer the course of my healing path and it got the best of me, and now I am here writing my OWN script to my healing … no longer letting fear take control over what I want, and what I need going forward!

Fear is a huge obstacle that can get in the way of many things! That quote was right on .. there will always be a 2nd story over the truth of what is really in front of us if we let Fear control the story. WE HAVE a choice! I HAVE A CHOICE, an I know that now.

A part of the healing is realizing what that 2nd story is telling us, and how to focus on the truth of what is real vs what is not.

I hear and know that loud and clearly!

I am excited! It will be some work moving through some of the things I need to move through, but I am ready to face whatever it is I need to do to re-write the script fear has forced upon me the past couple of years!

This place I have been in is no place for me … isolation and feelings of unworthiness is not the place God would want me to be, thats not the story God has written for me or my path.

One step at a time is what is needed … however big or small – at least it’s a step “out” and not a step “in”.

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little book of grace and hope

917088_1421765064750229_1178151065_n I bought this little “cork-board” cover book on clearance the other day and I wanted to create something to capture my favorite words and feelings!

I wasn’t sure how I was going to make this book into something that could be fun, healing, and a place to capture whatever it is that resonates with me in the moment.

So yesterday an hour before leaving for session I got out my “box making tools” and started to create the book to my feelings.

GRACE and HOPE! how appropriate for my journey, and on the inside I put a lot of great quotes that I love that I had left-over from the hope boxes I make, wanting to create a space I could just add thoughts at any time when I am not near my computer.

10249271_511197892325548_611725470_nI brought it into session and of course my therapist loved it! The first question he asked me was “and what was going through your mind when you decided to create this amazing book? did it create more of a connection in the disconnection you feel?

I think for me it is a sense of connection! Since I was 5 years old I have been all about words and meaning! Creativity and writing and drawing has been a huge part of who I am and who I have become. Anyplace that I can capture a meaning is healing for me.

“All glory comes from daring to begin”

Paper was my outlet when I was little, and anytime I could get my hands on a stack of paper,  it was like gold to me! A blank canvas to create something that no one could take away from me! My thoughts and my feelings that were mine and none for the taking from the abusers in my life.

I have created many journals in therapy .. in fact on my therapist desk sits a “TIMELINE” journal that we started to work on years ago (before chaos took place and we had to attend to another issue at the time) that was a book about the timeline of my childhood and how writing out the timeline of the abuse was healing but painful work.

I also have journal book that my therapist and I used to use in session where I would write something before session and then leave the book with him and he would write something positive in the book to give back to me at next session.

So creating books and places to put feelings and emotions has always been a healing thing for me. It only made sense to start this hope and grace book to hold all the words and meanings that help me everyday on this journey of healing.

“What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are small matters compared to what lies within us”

1277374_753110248063291_5667498701725970600_oWhen I see a blank canvas, its almost like a place of hope to where I can put something out there to be known without there being consequences; a place of vulnerability to be seen and heard, and yet at the same time creating hope for myself.

I am surprised I don’t have books out yet. I am still working on my book called “alone in the closet” .. I put it aside a year ago because I wasn’t quite ready to face the words to the abuse yet, but in the meantime, these are the books I do create.

I think what I will do with this book is take a moment every morning (after my physical morning workout) and just see what hits me at the time – whether it be a favorite quote I love, or a verse from the bible that seems to fit the day, or even just put down my feelings at the time.

I plan to take this book to therapy from time to time and share the thoughts inside as it can be very helpful to the journey I am on… or maybe even let my therapist add to it along side of our work.

Maybe take it to church and sit with it and just draw or write whatever thoughts come to mind.

I look at this book as being just like my blog, only I can hold it in my hands!

I can’t wait to see what fills this book, and maybe I will share it from time to time as it fills up.

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the love that surrounds me

SurroundedbyLovegoddesssmallcopyrigI dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.

I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).

I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.

Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.

I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.

For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.

Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.

I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.

I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.

I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.

Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.

Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.

Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.

I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.

I have now felt them to it’s fullest.

I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.

My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.

I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.

I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed

I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.

I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.

My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.

I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.

I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.

My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.

I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.

I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.

The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing

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the powering in just being

tumblr_mm4w2oe4vj1s8rc3io1_400I have spent a lifetime hiding behind “true emotions” and putting up walls of okay-ness.

I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me.

I ask myself – What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don’t know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn’t matter.

or so I thought …

This past weekend I have come to accept and realize that it’s more work to hide my feelings and put up a front, than it is just to BE however I am feeling and let it be known by those around me.

I have found myself crying on a whim this weekend and I was confused as to why, but after reading a very insightful and supportive email from my therapist tonight, I know why –  I’m allowing myself to BE and that is painful, yet healing!

My therapist and I talked about something very big in session Friday and I opened up some pretty big wounds; wounds that were deep yet insightful. Wounds that were GOOD to open up, but hard to clean out and sit with.

Imagine how painful it is to sit with an open wound that is not yet healed? well that is what this weekend was for me after a big but wonderful session that we had Friday.

I went out for a car ride 9:30pm Saturday night and I was SOBBING while trying to drive, and I thought to myself “what the HELL is going on?” “WHERE IS MY WALL?” … and I realized I was crying because I needed to cry, I was feeling because I needed to FEEL and maybe that was okay.

Healing is happening this weekend even though it doesn’t feel that way.

My therapist explained to me in an email tonight that it makes his heart smile to know I am having a hard time, not because he doesn’t care, but because he knows healing is happening in what we talked about Friday. healing is happening because I am finding my self-worth enough to let those feelings be known and felt.

He always tells me “feelings and emotions are information NOT emergencies”.

I opened up to my support this weekend and I found it to be so much easier to just be open about how I feel, than to hide behind those true emotions and put up walls of okay-ness.

I felt better as soon as I talked about it. I felt better when my support came back to me with a very supportive caring email filled with hope. My feelings were known instead of it being held in. I feel better NOW vs waiting days and days until I have the courage to talk about it.

There is a lot of power in just BEING in the moment.

It’s not an easy lesson to learn when all I know is to hide behind my true emotions and put on a strong front. It’s like walking against the current.. it will take time to learn that it’s okay to be in the moment of how I feel now, let it be known, talk about it and trust I am supported in the openness no matter how hard it is.

My therapist once told me a long time ago that people are more drawn to authentic emotions and someone who is struggling rather than someone who is hiding behind emotions always feeling they have to be strong. He said “it makes me want to help you more when you lean into those true authentic feelings because I know healing is happening”.

I think this weekend has been a moment that I allowed myself to just BE how I was feeling and I reached out in that. It didn’t feel good, but in the long run it will create space for me to be how I need to be instead of hiding behind walls of okay-ness.

ON this healing path I am on I am learning so much about myself I never have known before. Everyday is a challenge both painful and joyful, and this weekend I have really learned that it’s more work to NOT BE than it is to JUST BE and that is powerful – that is healing!

I am HEALING and it’s so okay to feel the way I feel.

I have a big week ahead of me in therapy.. a lot of things I am working hard on, and I hope that I find the strength to continue to be in FRONT of the wall instead of behind it.

I feel better tonight because I decided to get out from behind the wall of “STRONG” and the wall of “OKAY-NESS” and say “Hey I feel sad, I feel tearful, I feel hurt, and I need a little support tonight” and I got it, and I was reached back out to, and I feel better. I was met with care, love and support from my therapist who made me see this is healing and I feel better knowing someone understands.

Maybe there is something to just being. Maybe there is more power in just being than I ever thought .. and MAYBE I can accept that it doesn’t mean I am dependent  it just means I NEED support sometimes and that is OKAY.

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self care

75d3591fd85f10c98744e5d510c7888aWhat is self-care? that was a question I didn’t have an answer to just a couple of years ago. I never knew how to provide myself with self-care without the feeling of guilt attached to it.

I have learned much about self-care in therapy, and my therapist is really good about guiding me towards my own self care, and I have learned (at a snail’s pace) how to accept that.

I have gotten better about taking time for myself in the middle of the week, and maybe taking a day of the weekend to just take care of me, but I fall short many times in the middle of the busyness of my life.

My therapist is doing “Male Survivor” this weekend in North GA, and he will be gone the rest of this week and the weekend.

When he does these small little breaks, I also clear my schedule and give myself a break.

Therapy and healing is hard hard work, and sometimes I need a couple of days to break myself down, and then put myself together with a fresh coat of paint.

I have come to realize over the years of therapy that I need to take advantage of these small breaks when they come up, and I am finding more and more that I enjoy it.

Years and years ago when I first began therapy I would almost freak out when my therapist took a vacation or went away on these mal survivor retreats for a couple of days because I was afraid he would forget where I was in my healing, or maybe the young part of me was afraid he wouldn’t come back. I wasn’t dependent on HIM, I was dependent on the healing, and was afraid all my hard work would go away and I would have to start over.

Here I am 6 years later and I look forward to the small breaks, and that is so different from where I was just a couple of years ago.

I have not only grown to “trust” the process, but I have also grown to give myself the self-care that I need, and to trust that it’s OK to take time out for me.

Self care is never an easy thing to do, because naturally I put others before myself. Self-care for me in the past was about self survival, not the kind of self-care that holds love for myself.

I will take this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday and clear my whole schedule. NO Dr appointments, no errands to run, no driving the boys around.. just time out for me in doing whatever it is that helps me “self-care”

My therapist offered to stay connected the time he was up gone in the next couple days (by him texting and checking in or me emailing), but you know what? maybe that is an offer I would have taken in the past, but I said to him “no you go and do what you need to do, and I am going to take some time to just reflect and refresh” and he respected me for that, and I respected myself for stating what it was that I needed and good for me for taking on that self-care.

I am not sure how much I will write in my blog the next couple of days, but if I do, I will write with no agenda.

I look forward to the next couple of days, and when we both return to therapy Tuesday, my healing is still there, my hard work still awaits me – but for now I just BREATHE and enjoy the self-care that also awaits me – however that looks

Like I said in my blog post yesterday – healing is a continuous journey, even when you take time to sit for a couple of days.

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