patiently waiting . . .

One of the things that I have learned most in this journey of healing is that, “patience” is almost always the key to getting through the tougher moments.

This past week or so, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had moments of strength and weakness, strength in the weakeness, weakness in the strength, and sitting while still moving.

It certainly has been some of the toughest and challenging moments that I have had in a long time; with this past weekend being one of the toughest.

Last night I went through one of the hardest 2 O’clock’s that I have had in months! It was so hard that I felt so disconnected and beside myself. Even my husband saw how hard it was for me last night; he knew it was a bad one.

It’s been so long that 2 O’Clock has been that hard; that I almost forgot how to get through it. I kept saying to myself – “patience, it will pass”.

This morning on my way to church, tears found me again when I had thoughts of my mom and what I am going through right now in my healing, and I kept thinking to myself “patience, it will pass”.

While I was sitting in Mass at church, tears found me again during the mass, almost to the point of wanting to run out of the church because I felt it getting worse and worse trying to hide the tears from those sitting next to me, but I said in a silent prayer – “patience, it will pass”.

I allowed my tears to be seen in front of God and not run during the time we kneel after receiving the Eucharist. I don’t even have to say any words, God knows what I am feeling inside; he hears my silent prayers, and I hear “patience, it will pass”.

When I got home from church, I got into the most comfortable pair of jeans, a long button up white flowey type shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, washed my face, bare feet, allowing myself to be as comfortable as I can, and I started to clean and organize.

While cleaning, I started to organize my thoughts inside as well. I allowed myself to think deeply about what has been going on the past 2 weeks, and what made 2 O’Clock so hard last night.

I also thought about what it is I wanted to write in my blog tonight, what would be helpful for me to lift me up in this hard weekend I was having, what could I open up, and heal with truth?

In between cleaning and organizing, I would lie on the bed and do some things on the laptop that I had to do. I then would get up and start organizing again, and pitter patter around the house.

In the moment that I least expected it, goodness found me, and it all started coming at once; one thing after another.

I was taking a break and I saw a Facebook message pop up from someone with such nice words of gratitude that really made my heart fill up with happiness. I found out that I helped someone through my blog that I didn’t even realize I helped! I had tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness!

I then got a text from my therapist reminding me of connection, asking me how I was doing, and reminding me of where I am in this part of the journey, and that no matter what, I will find my way through the hard and accept the good that comes from it – just what I needed to hear, a great connection!

After reading that text and replying, I started to organize the house again thinking about the goodness that connection brought me.

I then got a phone call from my sister, she also was connecting to ask how I was doing, “So how are you doing?”. We had a nice talk about mom, and then she wanted to remind me that she loved me, I love hearing my sisters voice when I need it.

Right after getting off the phone with my sister, I get a text from my husband as he was out and about today taking care of some errands while I was at home. He texted me of some good news that I was hoping for; something that really helps me in something that I need to do – what a blessing that was!!

A little time after that, Nathan came into my room, and gave me a hug and said “I love you mom” which made me smile ear to ear, he actually asked me – “how is your day mom?”

I had this feeling come over me of goodness. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap, hearing the dryer finish the clothes sounded comforting. The ceiling fan providing me some cool air and it felt like I could breathe!

Everything around me started to feel lighter; my chest finally was lifted of whatever it was I was holding for the past couple of days.

I took a pause, and I smiled! God heard me today. It may not have been when I asked for this goodness a week ago, it may not been in the tears I had on my way to church this morning. It wasn’t last night through the VERY hard 2 O’Clock that I suffered through – it was when I least expected it in the “patiently waiting”.

There have been times in the past when I have prayed out of desperateness when going through these tougher moments. I would beg and plea; sometimes even making bargains with God. However, I know deep inside that a lot of the times, just patiently waiting and going through the hard; goodness finds me when I least expect it.

Tonight, as I sit here, I finally feel my patience has gained me a little bit of goodness.

The goodness found me, one after the other. I kept smiling thinking “this is it, this is what I patiently waited for, just a little breathing room, just a little feeling of goodness and connection is what I was looking for”.

it doesn’t have to be huge movement. It doesn’t have to be alot. Sometimes, just a little bit of goodness, can fill you up with hope, and today this little bit of goodness gave me the hope I was looking for.

No matter what I face this week, I think I am ready! I smile in these moments of goodness that show up when you least expect it, because I know that is when God lets me rest.

 

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the tree’s that bend…

Today I experienced a road block in my writing, until now. This happens when I cannot reach anything inside, but I know there are things sitting there; waiting to be reached.

I sometimes experience this in therapy as well. I will go into session and I am silent. I just have nothing to open up inside; even though there is a lot inside.

Today when thinking about what I wanted to write, I was reminded about “the tree’s that bend”, and the photo that I look at everyday in my healing.

This photograph of the trees is actually a canvas that I bought years ago. I bought this photograph for my therapy room, for myself, and for my therapist – as a reminder in life.

I bought this because I wanted to put it up during my sessions to replace these 4 colorful men of art on the wall in the room, that for some reason just don’t sit well with me.

For me energy and connection is everything, and I love trees. I love photographs of beautiful trees. So I saw this photo and fell in love with it, and I bought the canvas, wrote some words on the back of it, and gave it to my Therapist, gave it to the room, and to myself.

Ever since then, we have hung it up in replace of the 4 headed men art instead.

When I walk into my session, it’s already hung up for me! The tree’s with the beautiful sunspot! I love this photo, and what it represents.

We both wanted to somehow make a print up of what is written on the back -to somehow put it on the front.

It’s beautiful wording that reminds me that sometimes trees do bend, and sometimes they break, but they always stand strong after the storm.

It reads:

I started to picture the trees in the storm. The answer began to dawn on me. The tree’s in the storm don’t try and stand up straight, tall, or strong. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those tree’s and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight, are the ones that break. Now is not the time to be strong or you too will break.

The sunlight that shines between the trees after the storm is the support that heals the broken branches, and gives it strength to grow again.

Thank you for being one of the many sunspots in my healing journey.

I focus on this photo a lot in therapy, and it reminds me of where I am, and that no matter what, the trees always stand, and the sun always shines.

I sometimes focus on the tree branches, and sometimes I focus right on the sunspot. Sometimes I focus on the clouds when I am having a hard time. It represents many things in my healing today.

I love that when I walk into this space during the week, that photo is up and waiting for me. It represents the work in healing that I do. The sunspots that shine through the trees remind me of God’s grace, and that he is always looking out for me.

This photo also reminds me of how to reach in and find what is inside when I am having those moments of silent, or those moments where it feels so hard.

I have this photo at home as well (I bought 2). It’s hung above my fireplace. When I am home, it reminds me of where I am in this journey, and how even in the hard, I won’t break if I allow myself to bend with the storm.

Today, when I felt like I couldn’t find the words, I looked over at this canvas that sits over my fireplace, and I was reminded of where I am, and that I have been through a storm this past week – but I am still standing, and I feel God’s grace all around me, right here, no matter where I am. 

Click HERE for the original photo and writing on the back of the canvas

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