accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak.

For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds.

Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak.

I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me.

I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”.

I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I run when I feel a need for help, or extra support.

I get defensive and start putting up my shields, so that I can run and tend to myself not having to worry about dragging anyone else into my misery that I am feeling at the moment.

Today, going into session on the heels of writing that very hard write about my mom last night, I was having a tough time. I had a rough night sleeping, I was feeling guilty for how hard of a time I have had this week. I felt horrible for exposing my mom as I did, but at the same time it’s my pain, and I need to heal, but it still hurt.

When I got there today, the energy in the room wasn’t good, I was picking up off energy all around me, I was defensive and hyper vigilant, expectations for both of us were not met that we both thought were there, and it caused a “tension”.

I was reminded today that tension is bound to happen when you work so long together and on very hard hard stuff, and this is some very hard stuff.

Normally when this happens, I would shut down, get quiet, swallow it, and disconnect and tend to my own wounds later – Today however was different. Today I made a change, today I chose “connection and support” over “disconnection and isolation”.

I stood up in my anger and defensiveness, he stood up in his frustrations of not knowing what was there and why, and the tension was broke! We both stood on the edge of disconnection, and decided to turn, talk, solve, and not allow disconnection to take me.

I finally allowed myself to say “I NEED SUPPORT” in this weak place! I did not run to the corner and lick my own wounds. I finally accepted that I can have people around me that love and support me and not run off to tend to the weakness and only be accepted in strength!

I AM WORTHY EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS!

We sat and talked about it for 90 minutes, found where the tension was, found why I was defending myself, figure it out, worked it through, I accepted, I cried, I found my voice, I read the blog from last night that I wrote, I figured out what I was trying to do, we connected, and I moved through it.

I realized today that I am worthy even in my weakness to those around me. I don’t always have to be this strong person who heals all the time. I dont have to be this person who has to SMILE when I dont feel like smiling! I realized today I am just as strong in this tough week I had, as I was strong a month ago.

I gave up my independence that I am so adimient about, and I allowed being dependent on someone today.

I said the words “I NEED SUPPORT”.. 3 words I hardly ever ask for.

Celebration and Accomplishment!

We laughed about our growlness! We got up and both did a dance together, it was actually pretty funny and embarrassing, but I felt happy in that moment!

Today I am sitting here with a smile on my face because now I don’t have to go run into a corner and lick my wounds in my independence. NOW I am accepting support from everyone around me – today is the first day I don’t feel guilty for “needing” support.

I may still feel sad about my mom and what I wrote last night, and I may still be at a tough patch right now with my emotions, but today is different because I am allowing myself to be OK with that, and allow and accept support in “connection”

Celebration and accomplishment!

Today, I smile

 

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fearless emotions – take 2!

Much like Saturday morning, emotions found me when waking up – I felt frustrated and the question that played over and over in my head was “what is going on??”

What is going on? I have been so strong for 2 months! I have had this over powering energy and I have been running full force into the light of my own path – what is going on!!?? Why are these emotions showing up out of nowhere?

I moved through it this morning, and I also felt okay into the day. Driving to my session later on, I felt a little something stirring, but I felt stronger (or was I trying too hard to play the act of being too strong?)

I walked into session; put my bag down on the chair closest to the door, and the FLOOD CAME!! Reached over for my therapist and out came the tears, the words, and all the emotions that were sitting at the surface since my last face to face with my emotions.

The emotions that came on; barely made it past me shutting the door behind me! Everything was there – except the FEAR!

The fear of the emotions had no part in my entrance what’s-so-ever! I cried almost the whole session standing! Words were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even realize hurt so much inside. I guess that’s what happens when the Vail of fear is lifted – take 2!

Words that came out were about the sadness of my mom being back in the hospital and that I am having a hard time caring or having empathy to call her, which I have not done yet, and I dont understand why I am not caring, but it’s making me SO sad!

Words like “I am truly understanding my story in a whole, and realizing how much it hurts to open wounds and close them with truth” Words like “I am sad, and I want to be as strong as I have been in the past 2 months“. The words kept coming and coming!

Fear? what fear?

No matter how hard I tried to gather myself and be strong, it brought me down again! Crying in my sadness! The fearless emotions were not leaving me anytime soon!

I felt weak, but in a small way felt strong. I allowed myself support, I allowed my words to be heard, I allowed myself to be seen and heard at the same time, and I allowed myself to HEAR the words I was saying! I allowed myself to accept how I felt.

Before leaving session, I was still crying! I had to be somewhere at 6pm, and needed to leave. It’s very rare I leave crying out the door! I am always so gathered and put together! I leave with high optimism and most of the time I leave with a strong stance  – but not today.

Before leaving I said “I hate you sometimes” with a chuckle while still crying!! Meaning (him helping me to see and feel my emotions in this healing), and he said “hate me all you want, it’s worth it!!” That gave me a little bit of laughter, but not enough to let go of what was still stirring inside.

I left crying to my car, crying in the car, crying on my way to my Doctor’s appointment – and suddenly I saw the sun hitting the trees between two building, and the light was just right. The way the lighting was, it gave me this feeling of “okay-ness” – I knew in that moment I made more room inside my soul yet again.

I had this feeling of power that I have never felt before. It felt as if I just closed another wound, but this time it was the wound of FEAR. One of my biggest wounds, (fear of emotions). Today, just like last Tuesday, even more so, it showed up! Fear was nowhere to be found!

I don’t think I ever felt emotions like I did today, and in a strange way? It felt good. It felt good to let out the words and hear myself say “I am sad”, “I am sad that my mom will never be the mom I need”, or hearing the words how sad it is to open and close these horrible wounds.

Tonight I am sitting here, in my bed, candle is lit next to me, I am covered and warm, my hair is pulled back, I am relaxed, I feel a little lighter, and my soul feels lifted!

Something big was there today – The storm came, the wind did not blow me away, and I adjusted my sails – to move on to tomorrow; another day of healing.

 

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the courage to ask

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this or not. However, I have always said, “this blog is about healing, and it’s about truth; It’s about my journey going forward”.

Every entry I post is one step closer to my true self. Everyday I try and remind myself that every truth spoken, is another foothold to the next. So with that being said –

I faced a difficult question that has been pressing me for a very very long time. A question that I have been utterly afraid to ask and talk about; and know the answer to.

Saturday night my sister and I had a long talk on the phone (like I mentioned in my last blog entry yesterday). She called me at 12:30am, and just wanted to talk. I don’t know if that was Gods work, or if it was meant to be or not, but for some reason it landed in place as being the right moment.

My walls are down, I am not protecting anymore, I have shed the shame, and I am more and more open for truth. I know and feel that things are so different for me in my healing.

Me knowing that and feeling like I am at a new level – I felt I was ready to ask my sister the question I have been wondering about for a long long time.

The question I asked her was – “Danielle, Were you ever sexually abused or physically abused like I was?, did they hurt you too?”

I sat there with my heart in my throat, my face was flushed, and my heart was pounding through my chest! She said “NO, I was never abused like you were, I was never sexually abused either”.

I had this big sigh of relief and a big breath and tears came to my eyes, but at the same time this anger came over me inside. I wasn’t angry with her, I was just angry and confused, and anger is not something I honor at all, so its confusing for me when I feel anger! So I will swallow it, no matter how I feel.

I have always said that my sister was never abused, and I always had this notion in the back of my mind that somewhere, somehow she was beaten like me; it couldn’t have just been me?! I think I tried to convince myself of that, but there was a part of me that had a feeling that she wasn’t. I just needed to hear the truth after all these years.

We talked more, and she started to open up about the things she saw happen to me. She witnessed a lot of the abuse done to me. The belts across the legs, the head being smashed into the counter 3 times, the nights where my father would drag me out of bed by my feet and getting the belt over and over and over. Danielle had seen a lot of things happen to me in that house, and I can’t imagine what that was like for her to hold.

I feel as if my sister and I broke the silence we had with each other about what happened in this family. I think the both of us were afraid to talk to each other about what we knew and what we were afraid to know. She was afraid to talk about what she saw, and I was afraid to ask her the question; I was afraid of the answer.

On my way to church Sunday morning, I was trying to keep in mind the text that my therapist sent me Sunday morning – “rest in the weakness”, “gathering strength to move forward”.

No matter how supported and connected I felt – out of nowhere I started SOBBING on my way to church. It hit me out of no where and the words that came out in the car  – “Why? Why was I the only one?” I dont understand why I was the only one!

I was crying so hard I couldn’t even see the road in front of me. My heart was broken, I was so sad that a little girl was beaten and sexually abused, but my sister was cared for.

You can imagine what was going through my head. I felt my heart was broken. I have never felt sadness like that before. It was a TRUE TRUE sadness of reality. 4 people in the house abused me, but my sister was unscathed?!!

During Mass I felt so horrible that I almost walked out. I couldn’t sit there and honor this – but I did, I sat with it and honred it and finished the mass, because if I had left, that would be like “them winning” all over again.

Everything that my sister and I talked about Saturday night was all hitting me at once. It was almost as if the Novocain wore off, and I was feeling everything! “The big question was finally asked”. “The truth is finally known”.

After church, I emailed my therapist and checked in like we do. I explained to him how I asked my sister that very hard question, and I was open about my feelings, told him how much it hurt!

I was told that this took a TON of courage to ask her. The fact that I asked her showed that I was ready to hear the answer. The fact that I asked the question showed that I am stronger, and that I was finally ready to hear the truth. I was ready to honor the feelings about that unknown truth. The best part? I stayed connected through this.

I sit here this morning and I realize it did take a lot of courage. It hurts like hell. But I know that it’s healing, and I know it’s growth, and I know that by asking her, I was opening up another wound to heal.

I don’t understand the question – why me?. I don’t understand why my sister was unscathed, and I was tormented and abused. I don’t understand why I have 42 scars on my body, and she has none. I don’t have the answers, but the only answer that I do have is – IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! The power that I do have is knowing that it was 4 people against one, and it was never my fault.

I love my sister so much, I love her so so much! I am so glad that she never had to endure what I did. I am so glad that she doesn’t suffer today in healing like I have to. I am so happy inside that her answer was “no”.

I cried a lot yesterday. I had tears through the day. I have tears right now writing this – and I will probably have tears about it until the sting goes away, but I am glad after all these years that I was finally ready to hear the truth.

I am ready to face the feelings I have inside about this; so this too can be another wound healed.

I may have been the only one in the house who was abused then, but today, I am the only one in the house who is healing and who is healthy!

(THE PHOTO ABOVE ON THE LEFT IS A PHOTO OF ME AND MY SISTER DANIELLE)

I was 9 and she was 4

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“let go of the past”- not so fast!

“The past is the past, let it go, what happened happened”. Ever hear those words from someone and you just cringe in anger?

I have heard this many times, and the sad part? I heard it from people who I was once close to; people who didn’t understand what it meant to heal from something that happened in the past.

I have heard this from people who try to use “just hand it all over to God”. I have heard these words from people who either have never been through trauma in their life, or they have, but they are still in denial that healing the past is what makes for a richer future.

What would of happened if I never walked into therapy years ago? I would still be the same person who could not look in the mirror when working out. I would still be the same person who would let people walk all over me because I didn’t learn that I had a voice that was worth hearing.

I would still be the person who holds in emotions and swallows them. I would still be the same person who would run away in hiding at social events in fear someone will try and hug me.

I would still be the same person stuck in 2 O’clock not understanding why it is I go through it everyday. I would still be the same person who isolated everyday instead of reaching out to others.

I am a firm believer that we need to heal the past, to be in the now. YES the past is the past, but when you have been through trauma as a child, you have lost any fundamentals that a child needs to build who they are supposed to be today. You get lost in that world of fake belief, lies and fear.

A child is supposed to learn love, learn a caring touch, learn about support and comfort. A child is supposed to learn what affirming words are, and what it means to be praised, or be given a “healthy” scold for when something is done wrong. A child needs love and affection and assurance and safety.

If I walked around saying “the past is the past”.. I would be still living in the past. I am where I am today because I decided to stand up and take action against those who hurt me. I have stood up to say “I am ready to learn what it’s like to be healthy”.

I have lost a few friends since my journey to healing years ago. That sounds harsh doesn’t it? its reality and it’s true. Some people don’t understand why I would go back to something so painful – yet I have learned it’s the most courageous thing a person can do.

I have had friends who said that therapy is a waste of time, that I should hand it all over to God. Sounds like a COP OUT to me. handing it all over to God is great, to a point. I truly believe that God gives us the tools to get through tough times, it’s up to us to use them.

My answer to that person –  “I did hand it over to God, and look where I am today”.

I am not ashamed to say that I am in therapy – I would be ashamed to say that I wasn’t. I am not ashamed that I work 4 days a week in this healing; working through the hard reality of my past. Today I would be more ashamed if I was sitting IN it, and letting the past and the people of my past win.

Working through the past doesn’t take away from the now, or the future – it enhances it. I am learning so much about life that I was sheltered from for years.

I dont regret the path I took one bit, in fact I am proud of this journey. The friends that walked away? Im sorry but I am not living for anyone else. I did that my whole life – living for others, and I am not going down that road again.

There is a quote that I read a while back ago that I love

It is through healing our inner child, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are

So the next time someone says “the past is the past” no matter what it is you are healing from.. just keep in mind that, the past is the past, and it’s a crucial part of who you are today.

I have wonderful friends and support today that i am truly blessed for, and I have never been in the RIGHT place as I am today – healing and working through the past.

 

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