ANGER .. with no escape

Anger circled back around again Saturday later afternoon, just as the sad emotions did earlier that morning.

I think when we honor our emotions in some way or form; along comes out other things that were right behind it.

Anger is the emotion that I have the hardest time honoring. I have felt and honored fear, sadness, doubt, confusion, hope, joy, happiness, excitment, and wonder – but anger is the one emotion I have a hard time getting close to, or touching.

When I am angry, that is the one emotion that I swallow the most. I block it out. I do whatever I can to not look at it, or be with it.

People have told me that I am the most calm person they have ever met! I am quiet, I don’t make a loud entrance. I am very reserved, calm and soft spoken, I move quietly and I am gentle – if only people knew what I hold inside.

Anger is one of the biggest emotions that we have worked on over and over for years in therapy! We have touched it, and then backed away from it leaving it alone for a little while. We have gone back into it, and then gave me a break. We have reopened it, worked with it again, and then backed away from it  – it’s that hard to be with.

We have worked with my anger many times. We have throw pillows, I have practiced pushing on and against my therapist hands while standing to get my anger out. He has had me punch pillows while him holding them; trying to find the words to match the action – to no avail.

We have tried having me write things down on paper and ripping them up with big anger words! I have stomped and kicked, and wrestled and thrown more pillows – still to no avail.

No matter how many times I have worked with anger, I still have a hard time fully letting it go and letting it out. When I get to certain point, I shut it down to the old messages, and I swallow it. I put it away, and yet it’s there, in a very big way! Just like the crying but bigger!

I have tried going to the gym and working it out by lifting heavy weights, or running miles and miles to get it out. I have taken kickboxing classes – still to no avail.

If I work with anger, no words come out. If I put the words out there, no anger comes out. It’s built in that I cannot be with this emotion! it’s toxic, because deep inside, I know I am angry!

I have been told over and over “you are filled with big anger and rightfully so!”

I AM angry, I am very angry! I am angry that the people of my past who hurt me, are living life, and I am here healing from the damage they created in me. I am angry that I have 42 scars on my body, which all of them I have to heal!

I am angry that not ONE person in my family has ever tried to come forward and help me heal through this. I am angry that I missed out on so much of my life because of what they did to me. I am so angry that my mom is still in bed, still sick, still thinking of herself.

I am angry that the man who raped me, it out of prison on good behavior! I am angry that I go to therapy 4 days a week working on my healing, working my ASS off with very hard emotions – while everyone who hurt me is totally oblivious to the HELL they have put on me!

I am angry that I cannot make love to my husband the way I would like to, because THEY took that away from me. I am angry that I never got to cry at my Nana’s funeral because I didn’t know HOW. I am angry that not ONE person that knew me as a child, had NO idea that I was being abused, beaten and neglected; that no one cared to check in with me (the quiet little girl who never went outside to play).

I’m angry that now that I lifted the Vail of their lies, I see everything and it hurts like hell to know I was HAD by my whole family; my flesh and blood.

I am so angry that no matter how much I type about why I am angry, I still am holding the anger inside! I am angry that I am still angry, and that I have to hold it.

I think for once in my blog writing, I don’t have a resolve for this. I think for the first time I can say, this is one thing I don’t know how to do. This is one thing I have yet to open up. Anger is the one thing that still resides deep in my soul.

We talked about it a couple of days ago in session. We know it’s there, we know we have to circle back around and honor it, but it scares me.

Anger shows up in small bits and pieces. I notice it in small bouts, but then I go back to “calm, gentle and reserved”.

The day my father smashed my head into the counter 3 times, was the day I labeled anger as “NEVER GO THERE” – EVER!

This is another part of my healing that I need to open up and close with truth. Sometimes I feel I am close to honoring it, but then I put it back away, deep inside, until it surfaces again.

I think being with my emotions and bringing those out last Tuesday, is what brought all these other emotions to the surface. It brought anger and everything else that was deep inside – and it’s just a matter of time of when it will show up.

I dont know why the anger showed up Saturday afternoon into the evening, and I dont know why I cried Saturday morning out of the blue while looking out the window, but what I do know is, it’s information, and I know I need to pay attention to it, and honor it.

I will go to church today, (have my one coffee I am allowed on Sunday for lent) – I’ll be calm and quiet like I always am –  I will pray, and I will go back to being who I am minus the anger. I will swallow it again, until it circles back around. It’s a vicious circle, but one that I truly know I eventually have to open up, and close with truth.

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room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like.

We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way.

This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was.

It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from!

It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday.

I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog writing that I never ended up finishing) – I felt like I had more energy to go forward and do something great this morning! I had no idea what was about to come.

The words this morning was almost as if I was given the OK to say what I need to say, but not trying to be so strong. Feel how I feel and not trying to be so strong.

As I sat here and cried, I thought about my writing. I have never sat with my blog and talked about the feelings I am having “IN” the moment.

I may write about something I did and what the outcome was. I may write about my strength and how every piece of work I do gives me a foothold. I may write about good thoughts I have, or I will write about what I see coming for me, and how I am truly walking the path towards me – strong strong strong!

– But rarely have I sat here and written “this is how I feel right now” – true and raw.

This morning I think was a release of the hard week I had. I am constantly on the go, working hard in my healing, volunteering my time at the church, trying to make time for church mass during the week, running here and there for people, being with hard wounds in my blog writing, working for an organization for trauma victims, being a mom, a wife, not having much time for me, not sleeping well all week (breathe).

This morning, reading that email of support telling me “it’s OK to open up about what is there even in your blog”.. it just turned that valve and out came all that I felt inside from this past week, and it gave me the OK to write about it in this very moment.

The girl behind the blog had tears. She’s not feeling as strong as she thought this morning, but it’s OK. I am learning more and more that when I honor my emotions like I did this past Tuesday in session, that is gives me room for goodness – just as it did this morning.

Right now, I feel a little more room, and maybe I can take that room and go do something for myself. I can take that room and fill it with stuff that makes me happy (spending time with my boys, going out with a friend to get a pedicure, maybe go the mall and buy a cute shirt, or maybe go to the park, and sit and enjoy the beautiful weather, maybe go to dinner with Tim tonight) – maybe I can do ALL of those things.

It makes room for me to be connected, it makes room for me to be whatever it is I want to be. I think that email served a purpose, a good purpose! I am surrounded by wonderful people, and although I cried and feel sad, it’s OK because it’s truth!

I cried this morning, for me.. and it was OK

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