room for more goodness…

Yesterday in session we talked a little about this weekend and what connection looked like.

We talked about what it would look like to write about something that wasn’t work, but yet very uplifting and healing in a “resting” kind of way.

This morning, I woke up to an email from my therapist, with connecting thoughts, reflecting words about the great hard work this past week has been about. Words with some goodness and some thoughts about our work and going forward, and also wanting to know how my Saturday morning was.

It was very uplifting – but then, sitting at my desk, I looked out the window for a moment, and I just CRIED! I cried, and I had no idea where in the world the tears came from!

It was as if this email I got this morning hit the “release valve button” and out came feelings I didn’t even realize I had this morning – almost like what happened this past Tuesday.

I woke up, feeling strong! I got 12 hours of sleep last night, fell asleep once the storms calmed down, with laptop in my lap (working on a blog writing that I never ended up finishing) – I felt like I had more energy to go forward and do something great this morning! I had no idea what was about to come.

The words this morning was almost as if I was given the OK to say what I need to say, but not trying to be so strong. Feel how I feel and not trying to be so strong.

As I sat here and cried, I thought about my writing. I have never sat with my blog and talked about the feelings I am having “IN” the moment.

I may write about something I did and what the outcome was. I may write about my strength and how every piece of work I do gives me a foothold. I may write about good thoughts I have, or I will write about what I see coming for me, and how I am truly walking the path towards me – strong strong strong!

– But rarely have I sat here and written “this is how I feel right now” – true and raw.

This morning I think was a release of the hard week I had. I am constantly on the go, working hard in my healing, volunteering my time at the church, trying to make time for church mass during the week, running here and there for people, being with hard wounds in my blog writing, working for an organization for trauma victims, being a mom, a wife, not having much time for me, not sleeping well all week (breathe).

This morning, reading that email of support telling me “it’s OK to open up about what is there even in your blog”.. it just turned that valve and out came all that I felt inside from this past week, and it gave me the OK to write about it in this very moment.

The girl behind the blog had tears. She’s not feeling as strong as she thought this morning, but it’s OK. I am learning more and more that when I honor my emotions like I did this past Tuesday in session, that is gives me room for goodness – just as it did this morning.

Right now, I feel a little more room, and maybe I can take that room and go do something for myself. I can take that room and fill it with stuff that makes me happy (spending time with my boys, going out with a friend to get a pedicure, maybe go the mall and buy a cute shirt, or maybe go to the park, and sit and enjoy the beautiful weather, maybe go to dinner with Tim tonight) – maybe I can do ALL of those things.

It makes room for me to be connected, it makes room for me to be whatever it is I want to be. I think that email served a purpose, a good purpose! I am surrounded by wonderful people, and although I cried and feel sad, it’s OK because it’s truth!

I cried this morning, for me.. and it was OK

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the sunspots . .

I have had this story in drafts for months! I have waited for the perfect time to share this part of my story. Tonight it feels right – tonight I post another part of my story.

Tonight it feels right on the heels of writing something so hard last night – to now write about something so graceful.

There are only 3 people in my life who know about the “sunspots” story from my childhood, and what that means to me even today as an adult.

The only 3 people who truly hold this close to their heart as a part of my story, is my therapist, my dear friend Tracy, and GOD. I have never opened up about this before.

It was so sacred to me, that I never shared it with my own kids, or my husband. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand the depths of what this meant to me as a child, and how it saved my life.

This is where I “met God”.

I think the reason I have never really shared the full story about this, is because it was the only thing in my life that brought me relief from the pain I was in. I shared a little but about it in small bits before – but never the full story!

I felt if I told anyone the whole story about the sunspots, it would take away the glory of it – that it would disappear.

When I came across this photo of the little girl lying in the sunspots, I lost my breath entirely for a moment! It took my breath away because it reminded me of the only thing in my childhood that was painless, and filled with God’s love. It took my breath away because it looked just like me as a child, and this is exactly what I did – I raised my hands up to feel the warmth of God’s love!

When I was as early as 5 years old, I would sneak downstairs to the living room while everyone was sleeping, and I would find the sunspots on the floor, or in the chair. I would go crawl into them, and feel the warmth of the sun. I would lay there and sometimes sleep, but a lot of the times I would lay there and pray. It felt like a hug, a warm hug, and filled with joy and happiness.

I felt this sense of peace and comfort, and I felt that is where God met me. No matter what pain I endured, I always knew I could meet God in the sunspots. The funny part in this? when it was cloudy, I would say “God is busy today helping someone else out”. I always knew the sun would come back.

I did this throughout my life – as a teen – even as a young adult and I will open and honestly say even today as an older adult.

If I am going through a hard time, and spot the sun on the floor, I will go lay in it, and I will feel the warmth, and just lay there, think, and pray to God. I sometimes will nap on the floor in that warmth, just to let the hurt and sadness out, and let the goodness and god’s grace in.

It truly makes me feel comfort and I today truly believe that is where God meets us. I always believed that God is in the sun, it’s his love shining on us through warmth and comfort.

There weren’t many places for me to go as a child. I lived in constant fear and anguish and anticipating the daily abuse I endured, or about to endure. I held onto the little things I could find; it’s all I had to survive emotionally.

I truly believed that this was my gift from God when I was little. It was almost as if god was saying to me “I know people are hurting you, but meet me here, and I will bring you joy and comfort.” It was like God saying to me “meet me in the sunspots, I promise I will be there“.

Today I will search for them once in a while, not too often – or I will be doing something around the house, and I will see a sunspot and smile, just smile big knowing that GOD is there, he is always there.

One of my biggest risks was sharing this in therapy; it was the first time I opened up about something so sacred. I took the risk not knowing if it would take away the one thing I held onto. It meant THAT much to me. My therapist absolutley LOVED the story, he wanted to experience it.

We made a session one day around the time that the sun would be shining into his room, and to my surprise he wanted to experience it! So, we pushed the chairs and the table over, and left a big open space near the window, and opened the blinds just a little bit facing downward – and there it was – on the floor, a perfect big sunspot!

We both picked our spot on the floor and just lyed there, and I said “OK? SO? do you feel it?” – He felt it, he was amazed by the feeling of the warmth and the love of God in that moment, it was quiet and peaceful  – he knew at that point why it was so sacred to me. He knew and respected my story so much more, and how that was my survival growing up.

That was a huge part of my healing – letting someone into the space that wasn’t just about the hardship, but was also about the glory and the good that I found in the trauma I went through.

I have to admit, At first I wasn’t sure about sharing it in that room. I hold this close to my heart as being something that was truly mine, but then it felt good to share something and have someone else hold that good part of my past. It was nice to have someone understand where I found my way of living through the abuse.

This was all I had to look forward to as a child – meeting God in prayer with a hug.

Sharing this story brings together another huge part of my story to be told. It’s a way for me to express that even in the really hard times I went through, God gave me strength to meet him and believe. He gave me something to hold onto; to get through the life I was going through.

Today, was one of those days that I saw a sunspot in my house in my office, and I took a moment and just got onto the floor and just laid there on the floor – it reminded me that even if I am not going through a hard time at the moment, that I can still “meet” God anytime I want to. He’s always there.

As I laid there, I smiled! I said quietly “I know it’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten”.

I have tears writing this right now, because I have been so open in my blog in the past month; to help this healing journey I have been on.

I have tears in this moment because I don’t think anyone could possible understand that this is the one and ONLY thing I had as a child, that kept me alive – that kept me going – knowing God was there no matter what.

Imagine how powerful that was to a child, and how powerful that is even today.

I don’t doubt for one moment that God met me there. It gave me strength to get through the abuse, and the hard times. I am truly blessed that I had that.

So if your ever in darkness, and you feel you need to find Gods love and warmth – find a sunspot, lay in it, and “meet him” there.

 

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the fear of emotions

Before leaving my session today, my therapist said to me, “either you are going to write the best blog you have ever written because of today, or you won’t be able to find the words”. It was that big!

He was right about both. I at first couldn’t find the words, and now, as I sit with today, it’s all coming to me in a way that I have never been more present than I am now.

Today I felt emotions so big; that eventually it slowly melted away the fear I have had towards emotions for a very long time. I didn’t just cry and have tears behind a wall or that wall of fear, I truly had emotions and felt every single drop of a tear.

It was the kind of tears that left me with splotchy cheeks, puffy eyes, a red nose, and a feeling of complete exhaustion!

Today I cried and  felt true emotions, and also came relief that I never expected.

Today was my longer session that I have on Tuesdays. On my way in, I knew right away that something was going on inside. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I knew something wasn’t right inside. I wasn’t my usual strong and optimistic self.

When I got there, I was trying hard to blame it on the “bad energy” in the room; when in fact it was me knowing within that I was holding a lot, but wanted to stay strong.

I have been on this constant push for 2 months now since I came home from my visit to NH. I haven’t stopped running forward since. I have been writing, connecting, being with, talking my work out, doing the timeline, and finding new ways to push through this path I have been on since coming home.

I have had this constant Adrenalin rush of finally having power over my healing and my past; that I haven’t wanted to stop. To be honest? I haven’t stopped at all since, and I found myself to be growing very tired over the past couple of days!

Today in session, my therapist said to me “it’s time to slow down and honor what’s inside. You are holding hard hard emotions from the past 2 months. It’s time to slow down, and check in with yourself to see what needs to be said”. He said “Strength can also be found in honoring the emotions of what is going on inside”.

Just hearing those words, my heart was racing and pounding. I felt like this huge wave of darkness came over me. I felt sick and ill, I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

I don’t like emotions. In fact I hate them! emotions scare me. I can feel emotions to a point, but then it stops at a brick wall and wont let me to go any further ahead. The emotions I do have, I have to be alone with them because I hate people seeing me have emotions! I will find myself crying sometimes and not truly allow myself to feel it or understand it; but I know it’s there and I just go through the motions.

Tears were like acid to me, I was fearful of crying my whole life. All these years of therapy and every single time I felt emotions coming on, I would stand up and pace the room back and forth, with him pacing with me until I forced them out. With that I went into this anxiety ridden circle of suffering during the emotions until they finally came out.

Old messages always showed up when emotions were at the surface. I couldn’t even hear or say the word “crying”  just a year ago – but that did not happen today – I felt, understood and honored it with no fear today.

Today while fighting it and fighting it, I was asked, “whats there? talk to me”. Something happned inside, I felt fear, I felt the need to run and leave – but I finally gave in! I crawled up into a ball, and just put my face into the back of the couch and just CRIED! I let go! Support sitting right next to me – offering a hug and a hand, but I didn’t want it at that moment. I wanted to feel and be with what was going on inside. I didn’t want comfort or words to cover what I was feeling. I felt I needed to be in that moment that held onto me for all these years – it was me letting go!

For the first time in years working with my emotions, I didn’t care that I was being seen sobbing into the couch! I cried for over an hour, and this feeling came over me that I have never felt before. The fear of emotions were leaving me, the old messages were finally packing up and leaving me since the age of 5 – I was no longer scared in the emotions that I was having. For the first time I didn’t want to get up and run for the door, or stand up and pace in circles!

I cried out my feelings with words (or trying to get words out). I was thinking about all the things that hurt inside that I was holding onto since coming home from NH. I allowed myself to be seen in my mess of soaking tears; finally allowing support to comfort me, but then going back to my face in the couch, and pillow.

I stayed with it knowing exactly what I was going through. I honored it, and for once I had no fear of the one thing that has held me back for almost 40 years – EMOTIONS!

I was finally able to look up and face the room and my therapist sitting next to me; knowing that I allowed myself to be so vulnerable! I allowed myself the comfort and support sitting there in realization. It’s almost as if all the lies and old messages up and finally left me. I not only released emotions, but I released the lies that held me captive – the fear was melting away.

I don’t know all the things I said while crying, but I knew that I felt every bit of it (all the stuff I held since facing my past up in NH 2 months ago). I think I lost 50 pounds in emotional fat today!

In the moments of emotions, I really understood the depth of what I went through, and how much it hurt inside. I felt bad for myself this time, not for them. I felt bad for myself this time, not “her” the 9 year old, or the 5 year old, or the 13 year old – I felt bad for ME and all that I went through. I kept saying over and over “I didn’t ask for this, I am a good person, this was not my fault”.

Another wound open, another wound closing to heal with truth, but this time, I felt everything!

I think I made a joke at one point in the end and said “there you go, I felt the emotions, can I go back to being strong now please?” (In my Karen sarcasm that I pull out of my pocket once in a while) which was then followed by complete laughter after a hard 2 hours.

My therapist being the goof he can be sometimes, he actually stood up and did his own little dance in celebration, because I actually came out and said “I’m not afraid of the emotions in this moment”. It only took 5 years to get to this point. I needed that laugh.

Another wound open – another wound to healed with truth.

I didn’t work on my timeline today, but then again, I Did. This moment that God gave me allowed me to gain yet another foothold going forward.

“Finding Strength in Weakness”

I am blessed by the support, and like Andy said today and always has said, “God is always here with us in these hard moments”. I believe that today more than anything.

In this moment I am experiencing an “emotional hang over”. I am relieved yet feeling how hard this truly was today. I know in time over the next couple of days, I will gain strength from this, and it will help me to open another wound, and close another wound with truth.

As I am writing this, tears are finding my eyes again, I finally let GO of the fear behind the emotions! I let go today and chose me over them!

Tomorrow is another day. I show up again, and I now come back with more strength – moving forward into another part of my healing; another part of my story.

I sit here and breathe, knowing that I am supported, loved and cared for by everyone, and that finally it’s MY TURN to heal!

I’m truly relieved in letting some go –  to make room for more goodness.

 

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