accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak.

For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds.

Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak.

I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me.

I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”.

I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I run when I feel a need for help, or extra support.

I get defensive and start putting up my shields, so that I can run and tend to myself not having to worry about dragging anyone else into my misery that I am feeling at the moment.

Today, going into session on the heels of writing that very hard write about my mom last night, I was having a tough time. I had a rough night sleeping, I was feeling guilty for how hard of a time I have had this week. I felt horrible for exposing my mom as I did, but at the same time it’s my pain, and I need to heal, but it still hurt.

When I got there today, the energy in the room wasn’t good, I was picking up off energy all around me, I was defensive and hyper vigilant, expectations for both of us were not met that we both thought were there, and it caused a “tension”.

I was reminded today that tension is bound to happen when you work so long together and on very hard hard stuff, and this is some very hard stuff.

Normally when this happens, I would shut down, get quiet, swallow it, and disconnect and tend to my own wounds later – Today however was different. Today I made a change, today I chose “connection and support” over “disconnection and isolation”.

I stood up in my anger and defensiveness, he stood up in his frustrations of not knowing what was there and why, and the tension was broke! We both stood on the edge of disconnection, and decided to turn, talk, solve, and not allow disconnection to take me.

I finally allowed myself to say “I NEED SUPPORT” in this weak place! I did not run to the corner and lick my own wounds. I finally accepted that I can have people around me that love and support me and not run off to tend to the weakness and only be accepted in strength!

I AM WORTHY EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS!

We sat and talked about it for 90 minutes, found where the tension was, found why I was defending myself, figure it out, worked it through, I accepted, I cried, I found my voice, I read the blog from last night that I wrote, I figured out what I was trying to do, we connected, and I moved through it.

I realized today that I am worthy even in my weakness to those around me. I don’t always have to be this strong person who heals all the time. I dont have to be this person who has to SMILE when I dont feel like smiling! I realized today I am just as strong in this tough week I had, as I was strong a month ago.

I gave up my independence that I am so adimient about, and I allowed being dependent on someone today.

I said the words “I NEED SUPPORT”.. 3 words I hardly ever ask for.

Celebration and Accomplishment!

We laughed about our growlness! We got up and both did a dance together, it was actually pretty funny and embarrassing, but I felt happy in that moment!

Today I am sitting here with a smile on my face because now I don’t have to go run into a corner and lick my wounds in my independence. NOW I am accepting support from everyone around me – today is the first day I don’t feel guilty for “needing” support.

I may still feel sad about my mom and what I wrote last night, and I may still be at a tough patch right now with my emotions, but today is different because I am allowing myself to be OK with that, and allow and accept support in “connection”

Celebration and accomplishment!

Today, I smile

 

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back towards my path . . .

There are moments in my work in therapy that we call “sitting’. Some people may call it “stuck” or “plateau” but I like to call it sitting.

Being stuck reminds me too much of the past and how they had control over me. Sitting for me means “being in the hard”; “In the weakness”.

I have had a tough week and a half. Ever since I opened up the wound to my surfaced emotions, It’s been hard to close that wound shut, to go onto the next wound.

The many emotions that I have been experiencing in the past week have been so hard and raw, that I had no choice but to “sit”. I had no choice but to sit in the weakness.

Today when I was in session, I looked over at my timeline book which sits on top of my hope box on the desk. I noticed it had a few small papers on it, and maybe even collecting a little dust. I thought in that moment “this is what I am doing, I am sitting, and all these old messages are collecting on top of me”.

Today after leaving, I decided I am going to pick up that timeline, dust it off, and open it back up. I am going to take the hand that is offered to me, get up from the sitting position I have been in for over a week now, and dust myself off of all the old messages that are trying to invade me while sitting.

This doesn’t mean I am not going to honor what is going on, or not honor the new surfaced emotions. It doesn’t mean that what I have done for work thus far is not good work. I have done great work, hard work, healing work, emotional work! It just means I need to stand back up and walk towards the next – no more sitting!

I have had a lot happen in the past week that has caused me to sit, and today I said NO MORE! I told my therapist “take my hand and get me out from the sitting position”.. I don’t even have to explain what that means, it’s known what that means.

So Friday I Will take the timeline book, I will dust it off, I will sit and listen to myself within, I will honor, I will gather the strength that I gained from this last battle, and I will walk again.

I am so incredibly blessed by all the support I have had in this blog! The support and the kind words and emails have been so incredible I blush at times! Thank you to all my support for walking this path with me.

Today I was reminded – I am strong, I will always be strong – whether I am sitting, standing ,running, falling or kicking! I just need to remind myself of the path I am on, and keep my eye on the light.

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building a firm foundation

I love this quote. I love this quote because it stands out for those who are healing from their past. I love this quote because it’s strong and stands true! This isn’t only made to be said for woman, but men also!

I think about my own healing when I read this quote. It’s the same thing as “opening up a wound, and healing it closed with truth”. Each wound opened and healed, is another wound they no longer have control over.

People who suffer from trauma can take the bricks that were thrown at them, and build a stronger foundation with those bricks to move forward in your own path. Each one of those bricks is the way to your healing; to wholeness in finding your true self.

I got an email from someone yesterday and it has stuck with me all day today. It’s amazing how many people out there who suffer trauma from their past. It’s amazing how many people out there who are brave enough to take those bricks that were thrown at them, and build a stronger foundation; a foundation where you are saying “I am in control this time”. The person who emailed me, just took a brick and said “no more will I suffer alone”.

I guess you could take a few of those bricks and throw them back, but that is one less brick for you to have in your own path. I have never believed in an “eye for an eye”. I think there is more power in healing, than giving it back to those who hurt you. My healing is winning over their lies. each wound I open and close with truth, is one less piece of power they have over me.

I do alot of my path making in therapy, and I have an absolutely wonderful helper – someone I trust that has truly helped me build this path I have been on for years now. I am truly blessed beyond words!

Then there is my support system on the outside, people who have been by my side with open arms the whole time; helping me with each brick with understanding and care. I couldn’t ask for anything more!

I not only am building a path, but building a support system with those bricks as well; a support system of people who understand what it means to heal, and people who see the parts where you are kicked down and need help getting back up.

Then you have God, who stands over all of us, guiding us in the direction to build that path with hope and love, trust and connection.

It’s hard work, but good work. Some-days I feel like taking those bricks and CHUCKING them back with anger, and sometimes I actually do – but I always pick it back up and start working again. There are times I sit in sadness, and have a hard time working towards it.

There are times I want to give up, and just crawl into bed and have hope that someone is still building that path for me, even though I am not there doing the work. However, I still keep going with the wonderful support by my side who holds my hand at times in helping me gain the strength to keep going forward – wound by wound, brick by brick.

It’s hard, it’s right, and it’s healing.

 

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