the change within

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I have spent the past year, the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks being so angry, hurt and frustrated around something that that I let have power over me; but deep inside came to realize had no power over me – I just didn’t see it.

Today in session my therapist made me realize something and it changed me.

The power of his words changed me so much that I took a deep breath in of empowerment, held it for a few moments and then I let the breath out and it felt good!

It changed me so much that I realized I am the change, and I can’t change something that won’t, and I certainly can’t sit around trying to find answers to something that just. doesn’t. make. sense.

I dont know why this past year happened, I dont have the answers, I dont have the reason, I dont have the understanding, but what I do have is the power to heal and move forward. I have the power to change ME inside and move away from the hardness this year brought to me.

My therapist has cleared a safe path for me, and all I need to do is accept it. On that path is love, support, connection, and all the people who walk along side of me; the same people who walked along side of even with the cracks in the path.

I finally feel that this long year battle has come to an end, and it’s not because I found understanding, or a reason, or any answers, it’s because I choose to turn around and just accepted that I can’t change something or someone; but I can change me.

I have the choice to turn and walk away. I took a stand and stood up for myself and it stopped, and my therapist made me realize THAT is empowerment. My husband made me realze THAT is empowerment. My friends helped me to see THAT is empowerment – not the answers.

I don’t have to look for the understanding or the reasons why anymore. I don’t have to have the ansews, all I need to faith in myself, my truth, and knowing the clear path in front of me.

I have the ability to finally be free to writing in my blog the way I used to.

I love showing up to therapy knowing the path my therapist laid in front of me is safe and filled with connection and support.

I am surrounded by people who believe in me, have faith in me, and see the hardness this year has been for me and held out there arms for a hug and a hand for support.

I like knowing that even though I may never have the answers to why this happened; that maybe I made some kind of difference in fighting for myself vs the past when I sat in silence to my pain.

I look forward to bringing this blog in a new direction that is healing for ME and not around something I dont understand.

And  – I love sitting here knowing that today my therapist made a difference in something so huge, and made me see something I didn’t see past this hardness, and there is freedom in that – FINALLY.

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks.

I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing.

Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness.

I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward.

I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently.

I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that each connection I accept is another light to my path.

It’s no surprise that the past couple of weeks for me have been grueling! I have had moments that I wanted to give up – I have had moments that nothing made sense to me. I had moments to anger and frustration! Those are the moments that the path is dim, but never dark.

I have learned in this path to healing that the road is never fully lit! You will go through moments of dim and what seems like darkness, but in real, those are the places you rest and gather strength (just like we need to sleep at night with the lights off).

There is one thing I have always told my therapist and that is “I cannot work when I feel disconnected”. When I feel connected I can get through almost anything… but as time as gone by, I have learned that I CAN work in disconnection… those are the moments I learn, and gather wisdom, and strength, and wonder. IT has allowed me to trust the connection even in the dark.

My journey in healing has been about learning to trust what is there even when I can’t see it. Yes it’s more comfortable and trusting when we can see it, but imagine how much more powerful it is to accept in the dark; in those places that don’t feel as connected. Those are the moments you need to grab a hold of connection.

Tonight I feel more connected to me, my support and God. It’s a feeling that I just feel deep within. I am coming out of this darkness I have been in for weeks now.

For the first time in weeks I am looking forward to my healing in therapy this upcoming week! I feel something is on the verge of happening and I feel “GOOD” all around me. Those are the feelings that bring light to my path – connection and trust; those are the brighter parts to my path.

 

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength.

Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church.

I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was:

PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen?

I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in session, sometimes my therapist will smile, because he knows this is a part of the growth. This is where “I emerge” out of the sorrow and pain. This is where the path is lied out to me that God is helping me to see.

When I heard my therapist suggest what I open myself up to, I was fearful at first. How do I take down every BIT of wall, and open myself up to anything I want? I may have taken down walls in my healing, but I am not naked by any means.

I have walls that are still built, but they are small and short. They are short enough to walk over, but tall enough to notice they are there. What if I took everything away and allowed myself to open up to a place I have never been; a place where I protect NO ONE?!!

This took my breath away. I thought about it all night, and when I hung up with my therapist I was blessed and joyous! I was fearful, but it was not the fearful that I usually experience, it was an exciting fearful.

I sit here tonight and I read the Psalms reading. It brings so much light to my path. I go to bed tonight with hope, and assurance, and I feel worthy that maybe just maybe I can take it all down and know I am possible for growth in openness.

Sleep finds me tonight – with the grace of God building my path as I sleep, and I am confident it will be strong enough to walk on when I wake.

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