the temporary path – the road less traveled

LESSPATHI have always viewed my healing journey, my healing path as a road that goes forward with a few detours on the side.

There are times I am going straight on the path, and there have been times when out of no-where, I was detoured off my path – and OH how frustrating can that be!

Or maybe it doesn’t have to be a frustrating struggle; rather seen and looked at as a path less traveled to heal bigger wounds.

Maybe instead of seeing these struggles as detours, maybe its more of a temporary path to – where I can breathe a little; getting to understand my footpath a little better.

The past week or so I have really struggled with connection and feeling grounded to self and those around me and I have felt so frustrated about it. “Why am I projecting?” “why am I struggling to be connected to those around me?” “why do I feel so disconnected?” .. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time and boy does it feel horrible!

But as I worked through my struggles today in not feeling so connected, I realized something! I realized that maybe this is the temporary path – not a detour. Maybe this is where God is telling me “hey, take this path for a while, you have been working so hard on this one path for months and months now, its time to take this path less traveled, take a seat on the rock and give yourself some time to breath and understand what is here, because for some reason, it’s here and it’s important to understand its presence.

If I don’t stop to pay attention to what is here, I may miss out on something so very important to heal.

As my therapist would say, this is where we slow down, pay attention, take time to really be with what is here – don’t run past it because it’s a struggle, slow down and look at the struggle.

Normally when we are up against a struggle or feel troubled, we are eager to run past it as fast as we can, because no one likes to feel disconnected – no one likes to feel troubled inside, so we do all we can to run past it as quick as we can to move to a more tangible feeling that we can handle.

But maybe that is where the wounds don’t heal. Maybe running past these  moments of struggle and disconnection only makes them come back even stronger!

The one thing I do know from being on this journey for 8 1/2 years now is, no matter how many detours or hard obstacles I have come up against on this journey, I have always met the path on the other side! The road I began will always continue to be there, me going off the path to a path less traveled doesn’t mean I am lost or have fallen off my path, it just means that somewhere in the healing, I will meet the path back up where I will be stronger and more knowing of the struggle that I faced.

So, as I sit here this evening feeling a little disconnected and frustrated that I don’t understand why I am feeling this disconnect I have been feeling the past week or so, I will look at this as the temporary path – the path that God paved for me so that I can slow down and heal whatever is here – a slower path to where I can gain some strength and understanding so that I can meet up and continue with the road I have ben journeying or so long!

These side roads are needed …. and I think I am finally beginning to understand that. Just because I had to take a side road off my path, doesn’t mean the path my journey is on has stopped, it continues just like me and this amazing road I continue to travel.

So I trust, and I gather my support with me along on this temporary path and I keep walking forward, slowing down to understand what is here and what needs to be healed, and allow myself to be the way I need to be on this path even if it means not being as strong – but being the ME I need to be.

So my path continues ……….

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my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

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healing takes time

0814615236When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later.

I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain.

Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.

When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.

I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist “the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again“. We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn’t joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing – I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.

This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.

I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.

I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal – no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to – a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.

I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.

I dont think about when therapy will end,  I don’t think about the healing process time frame. I don’t think about those things at all – I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.

I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes!  Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was,  well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.

Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year – it’s a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me – but right now this is my path and I am walking it.

During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don’t only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.

This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on – but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.

So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency – but rather something I deserved for me.

How much time it takes isn’t the question – it’s about what I am learning along the way and accepting that “this is my time to heal, it’s my time to live”.

So the next time your wondering “how long will this healing take?”.. don’t think about “when” think about “what you are doing for yourself”, and let the healing continue.

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the change within

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I have spent the past year, the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks being so angry, hurt and frustrated around something that that I let have power over me; but deep inside came to realize had no power over me – I just didn’t see it.

Today in session my therapist made me realize something and it changed me.

The power of his words changed me so much that I took a deep breath in of empowerment, held it for a few moments and then I let the breath out and it felt good!

It changed me so much that I realized I am the change, and I can’t change something that won’t, and I certainly can’t sit around trying to find answers to something that just. doesn’t. make. sense.

I dont know why this past year happened, I dont have the answers, I dont have the reason, I dont have the understanding, but what I do have is the power to heal and move forward. I have the power to change ME inside and move away from the hardness this year brought to me.

My therapist has cleared a safe path for me, and all I need to do is accept it. On that path is love, support, connection, and all the people who walk along side of me; the same people who walked along side of even with the cracks in the path.

I finally feel that this long year battle has come to an end, and it’s not because I found understanding, or a reason, or any answers, it’s because I choose to turn around and just accepted that I can’t change something or someone; but I can change me.

I have the choice to turn and walk away. I took a stand and stood up for myself and it stopped, and my therapist made me realize THAT is empowerment. My husband made me realze THAT is empowerment. My friends helped me to see THAT is empowerment – not the answers.

I don’t have to look for the understanding or the reasons why anymore. I don’t have to have the ansews, all I need to faith in myself, my truth, and knowing the clear path in front of me.

I have the ability to finally be free to writing in my blog the way I used to.

I love showing up to therapy knowing the path my therapist laid in front of me is safe and filled with connection and support.

I am surrounded by people who believe in me, have faith in me, and see the hardness this year has been for me and held out there arms for a hug and a hand for support.

I like knowing that even though I may never have the answers to why this happened; that maybe I made some kind of difference in fighting for myself vs the past when I sat in silence to my pain.

I look forward to bringing this blog in a new direction that is healing for ME and not around something I dont understand.

And  – I love sitting here knowing that today my therapist made a difference in something so huge, and made me see something I didn’t see past this hardness, and there is freedom in that – FINALLY.

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks.

I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing.

Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness.

I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward.

I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently.

I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that each connection I accept is another light to my path.

It’s no surprise that the past couple of weeks for me have been grueling! I have had moments that I wanted to give up – I have had moments that nothing made sense to me. I had moments to anger and frustration! Those are the moments that the path is dim, but never dark.

I have learned in this path to healing that the road is never fully lit! You will go through moments of dim and what seems like darkness, but in real, those are the places you rest and gather strength (just like we need to sleep at night with the lights off).

There is one thing I have always told my therapist and that is “I cannot work when I feel disconnected”. When I feel connected I can get through almost anything… but as time as gone by, I have learned that I CAN work in disconnection… those are the moments I learn, and gather wisdom, and strength, and wonder. IT has allowed me to trust the connection even in the dark.

My journey in healing has been about learning to trust what is there even when I can’t see it. Yes it’s more comfortable and trusting when we can see it, but imagine how much more powerful it is to accept in the dark; in those places that don’t feel as connected. Those are the moments you need to grab a hold of connection.

Tonight I feel more connected to me, my support and God. It’s a feeling that I just feel deep within. I am coming out of this darkness I have been in for weeks now.

For the first time in weeks I am looking forward to my healing in therapy this upcoming week! I feel something is on the verge of happening and I feel “GOOD” all around me. Those are the feelings that bring light to my path – connection and trust; those are the brighter parts to my path.

 

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength.

Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church.

I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was:

PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen?

I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in session, sometimes my therapist will smile, because he knows this is a part of the growth. This is where “I emerge” out of the sorrow and pain. This is where the path is lied out to me that God is helping me to see.

When I heard my therapist suggest what I open myself up to, I was fearful at first. How do I take down every BIT of wall, and open myself up to anything I want? I may have taken down walls in my healing, but I am not naked by any means.

I have walls that are still built, but they are small and short. They are short enough to walk over, but tall enough to notice they are there. What if I took everything away and allowed myself to open up to a place I have never been; a place where I protect NO ONE?!!

This took my breath away. I thought about it all night, and when I hung up with my therapist I was blessed and joyous! I was fearful, but it was not the fearful that I usually experience, it was an exciting fearful.

I sit here tonight and I read the Psalms reading. It brings so much light to my path. I go to bed tonight with hope, and assurance, and I feel worthy that maybe just maybe I can take it all down and know I am possible for growth in openness.

Sleep finds me tonight – with the grace of God building my path as I sleep, and I am confident it will be strong enough to walk on when I wake.

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accompishment and celebration

Today was about accomplishment and celebration in my healing. Today was one of my favorite days in this journey I have been on; regardless of still feeling sad and weak.

For years in my healing, when I have gone through something hard to the point of feeling really weak and I don’t want to admit it – I tend to run off, hide and lick my own wounds.

Sometimes, I care so much about my damn independence that I won’t let people help when I feel REALLY weak.

I have gone into disconnection because of it in the past, and that sometimes leads to “tension” in my work, and the people around me.

I also tend to get very defensive when I am not feeling as strong. I will try and make people mad with me so that they won’t have to support me in my “rougher moments”.

I tend to feel guilty when I feel weak and have the need for support, so I run and rather take care of it on my own. The feeling of need scares me, and sometimes I run when I feel a need for help, or extra support.

I get defensive and start putting up my shields, so that I can run and tend to myself not having to worry about dragging anyone else into my misery that I am feeling at the moment.

Today, going into session on the heels of writing that very hard write about my mom last night, I was having a tough time. I had a rough night sleeping, I was feeling guilty for how hard of a time I have had this week. I felt horrible for exposing my mom as I did, but at the same time it’s my pain, and I need to heal, but it still hurt.

When I got there today, the energy in the room wasn’t good, I was picking up off energy all around me, I was defensive and hyper vigilant, expectations for both of us were not met that we both thought were there, and it caused a “tension”.

I was reminded today that tension is bound to happen when you work so long together and on very hard hard stuff, and this is some very hard stuff.

Normally when this happens, I would shut down, get quiet, swallow it, and disconnect and tend to my own wounds later – Today however was different. Today I made a change, today I chose “connection and support” over “disconnection and isolation”.

I stood up in my anger and defensiveness, he stood up in his frustrations of not knowing what was there and why, and the tension was broke! We both stood on the edge of disconnection, and decided to turn, talk, solve, and not allow disconnection to take me.

I finally allowed myself to say “I NEED SUPPORT” in this weak place! I did not run to the corner and lick my own wounds. I finally accepted that I can have people around me that love and support me and not run off to tend to the weakness and only be accepted in strength!

I AM WORTHY EVEN IN MY WEAKNESS!

We sat and talked about it for 90 minutes, found where the tension was, found why I was defending myself, figure it out, worked it through, I accepted, I cried, I found my voice, I read the blog from last night that I wrote, I figured out what I was trying to do, we connected, and I moved through it.

I realized today that I am worthy even in my weakness to those around me. I don’t always have to be this strong person who heals all the time. I dont have to be this person who has to SMILE when I dont feel like smiling! I realized today I am just as strong in this tough week I had, as I was strong a month ago.

I gave up my independence that I am so adimient about, and I allowed being dependent on someone today.

I said the words “I NEED SUPPORT”.. 3 words I hardly ever ask for.

Celebration and Accomplishment!

We laughed about our growlness! We got up and both did a dance together, it was actually pretty funny and embarrassing, but I felt happy in that moment!

Today I am sitting here with a smile on my face because now I don’t have to go run into a corner and lick my wounds in my independence. NOW I am accepting support from everyone around me – today is the first day I don’t feel guilty for “needing” support.

I may still feel sad about my mom and what I wrote last night, and I may still be at a tough patch right now with my emotions, but today is different because I am allowing myself to be OK with that, and allow and accept support in “connection”

Celebration and accomplishment!

Today, I smile

 

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back towards my path . . .

There are moments in my work in therapy that we call “sitting’. Some people may call it “stuck” or “plateau” but I like to call it sitting.

Being stuck reminds me too much of the past and how they had control over me. Sitting for me means “being in the hard”; “In the weakness”.

I have had a tough week and a half. Ever since I opened up the wound to my surfaced emotions, It’s been hard to close that wound shut, to go onto the next wound.

The many emotions that I have been experiencing in the past week have been so hard and raw, that I had no choice but to “sit”. I had no choice but to sit in the weakness.

Today when I was in session, I looked over at my timeline book which sits on top of my hope box on the desk. I noticed it had a few small papers on it, and maybe even collecting a little dust. I thought in that moment “this is what I am doing, I am sitting, and all these old messages are collecting on top of me”.

Today after leaving, I decided I am going to pick up that timeline, dust it off, and open it back up. I am going to take the hand that is offered to me, get up from the sitting position I have been in for over a week now, and dust myself off of all the old messages that are trying to invade me while sitting.

This doesn’t mean I am not going to honor what is going on, or not honor the new surfaced emotions. It doesn’t mean that what I have done for work thus far is not good work. I have done great work, hard work, healing work, emotional work! It just means I need to stand back up and walk towards the next – no more sitting!

I have had a lot happen in the past week that has caused me to sit, and today I said NO MORE! I told my therapist “take my hand and get me out from the sitting position”.. I don’t even have to explain what that means, it’s known what that means.

So Friday I Will take the timeline book, I will dust it off, I will sit and listen to myself within, I will honor, I will gather the strength that I gained from this last battle, and I will walk again.

I am so incredibly blessed by all the support I have had in this blog! The support and the kind words and emails have been so incredible I blush at times! Thank you to all my support for walking this path with me.

Today I was reminded – I am strong, I will always be strong – whether I am sitting, standing ,running, falling or kicking! I just need to remind myself of the path I am on, and keep my eye on the light.

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