As I sit here writing, putting words to this blog, it feels weird as I haven’t written in so long – – but at the same time it feels familiar.
I took a backseat to my writing and many other things this past year, but the one thing I didn’t take a backseat to was my healing, and continuing to fight and put one foot in front of the other.
For the past year or so, I went through emotional and physical isolation, I pushed away my writing, I pushed away people who I was once close to, I pushed away things that really defined who I was.
I pushed away out of fear – – but what I have learned the most these past couple of months is, those things I pushed away and backed away from, never went away – that my writing, and those people who love and care for me are right here waiting as I continue to take steps forward and out.
My therapist and I have worked so incredibly hard this past year, and continue to work hard to help me put one foot in front of the other as I took, and continue to take steps out to find my way back – and for him and this journey I am so grateful. I am so grateful that he helped me find my steps, and even sat with me in the moments of still.
The one thing I have learned the most about myself in this past year is, no matter what steps I took whether it was steps back, to the side, steps paused out of fear, or even moments of sitting still, I was always going forward even when I didn’t see it or feel it.
The funny thing about healing is, no matter how hard things get, you can move forward in the hard. You can move forward even in the pauses, you can even move forward when you take no steps at all. I have really come to understand that – which is what gave me the courage to write this blog today.
I have missed writing so much! I have missed connecting with others on this journey to healing. I have missed putting words to this blog and really connecting with those who also know what this journey is about for me, and for them. . . . . so that is why today – TODAY – I have decided to take another step and let the words be seen; let this journey be seen thru my writing and thru the steps forward.
Even as I sat here writing this blog, there were moments of pause, moments of not being sure if I wanted to continue to write to post it, even moments of deleting some words and putting them back – but all of those moments is what makes THIS step what it is.
I look forward to sharing thru my words what the healing process has been for me this past year, so I can connect with others and create more steps not only for me, but hopefully for others like I once did.
I am truly blessed for finding my way back to this blog and many others things that I isolated from.
There is this quote that I have really embraced as I have taken steps and that quote is
“healing doesn’t completely eliminate a person’s pain. It removes the fear of entering into the pain“
I have learned to enter “into” the fear and “into” the pain – – as a way to move out of it
Last weekend I was triggered by a memory/image from my past, and this trigger was one of the worst I have had in a very long time; the kind of trigger that pulls you from the now and throws you into a tailspin of fear, emotions from the past.
Over time in my work in therapy I have learned that triggers and or memories are “information” not “emergencies” – that these feelings and thoughts are here to tell a story to heal, not to harm me.
This trigger was a pretty big one, and its been hard to be present and connected to the now, when I feel I was thrown into my past.
I have done a lot of praying around this as I haven’t felt much like myself since this trigger, and one of the things that I realized was – maybe sitting with this trigger, feeling this trigger, feeling my
I dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.
I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).
I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.
Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.
I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.
For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.
Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.
I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.
I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.
I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.
Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.
Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.
Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.
I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.
I have now felt them to it’s fullest.
I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.
My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.
I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.
I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed”
I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.
I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.
My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.
I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.
I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.
My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.
I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.
I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.
The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing
Five minute Friday we bloggers write for five minutes flat on Fridays.
We set a timer, throw caution to the winds and try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.
write for 5 minutes, no back-drafting, no editing – today’s word is: Goodbye
Start: When I saw the word “goodbye” the first thing I thought about was how tough it was to let go of the 5 year old child that resided inside of me.
The 5 year old child that I held onto – her story, her pain, her truth, her beautiful spirit.
I have held onto the 5 year old child inside of me for a long long time. I held her close because all I knew how to do was to pretect her; protect myself in holing all that truth inside of what she endured.
Today I am releasing that truth. Today I am finding ways to let go more of “her” so I can see more of “me”.
It’s never easy to say goodbye to something that you have held onto for so long.
When you spend a lifetime protecting that child inside because of the abuse she went through; it’s heart breaking to think that you have to let that part of you go – to see the you that was growing inside all these years.
Letting go of someone that you hold inside is just as painful as someone dying in your life today. Letting go of the child inside of you is filled with grief and pain, sorrow and guilt, and a sadness I dont know how to explain.
What I do know is, although letting go is hard; it’s also healing. Letting go and saying goodbye to “her” is allowing myself to emerge and come to full truth about who I was, and who I want to be, and who I am today!
Saying goodbye to that part of me, is allowing myself to grow and learn, and it also allows me to grieve what I have been through. Grieving what I went through is a process of letting her go – it’s giving her life to being able to tell her truth, so she can die, so I can live.
The more and more I let her go and say goodbye to her pain, the more I am learning about myself every day in this journey to heal.
It’s hard and painful, but I find that I am becoming this new person that is filled with hope and love that I never allowed myself to see or feel before.
I have learned that under the 5 year old girl, is a woman who is 40, a woman who is filled and bursting with LOVE and I am finding ways to express it through connection with others who love me back for me and not for what they want from me.
sometimes saying goodbye is hard, but also saying goodbye means you are letting something else IN – and that is connection to others.