finding new light and darkness

“I stopped looking for the light and decided to become the light instead.”

This quote is so true to what I feel is going on inside this past month.

Even as I sit here and write this blog, it feels different – there is a newness of this writing and the process of being open with where I am.

Like I shared with my therapist in session last week, “this past month has been the most healing in all the years of being in therapy.” I look forward to what this new light will bring to me as I continue to take steps; allowing myself to be the light, rather than finding the light to lead the way.

One of my biggest struggles in the 10 years I have been in therapy is being open and truthful when I am really going through a hard time, or really struggling with something! Well, doesn’t that sound contradicting seeing that therapy is “made” for helping when you are struggling and going through hard times?

Well, for me, as far back as I can remember, I have only allowed myself to be open about whatever struggles I am going through if I have come up with how to fix it or make it better, and then I ask for support and help as I move through it.

I have always had this fear that if I allow myself to be seen struggling, that I will be rejected or I will be punished or pay consequences for talking about how I feel.

I am a FIGHTER, and I like to show that side of me – not the side that struggles or needs help.

When my therapist and I work together in therapy, we work TOGETHER! I rarely allow myself to say “I need help, and I don’t have it figured out.”

This past month I came to this realization that there is more light in allowing myself to be who I am “in the moment” and allowing others to see me in that light.

I made a decision this past month that allows me to be authentic to the moment instead of always raising a wall to the hard and only allowing the wall to come down once its OK enough to be seen.

The same goes for my writing, a lot of times I wouldn’t write a blog unless there was a resolve or an understanding of something. I would write a blog about positive things that I have overcome rather than letting people know “HEY, I have struggled and I don’t have it all figured out and hey that’s OK.”

What I have come to realize is that, healing happens even in the moments that are not fixed, or don’t feel better. Healing can happen in the hardest of all struggles, and its OK to ask for support in that. I don’t have just to be supported when I have figured it all out – that I am loved, cared for “SEEN” in the darkness.

The past couple of weeks in therapy have been the most healing, the most supporting, the most open, and the most vulnerable I have ever experienced because I have allowed myself to be in both light and dark.

I am finally seeing myself taking steps back into the things that once used to be a huge part of my life. Like the church, writing more, being around my once close friends, and not because I have found the light, but because I have allowed myself to see the dark, and heal in the dark.

I am open to what is next. I am hoping that I am going to write more by allowing others to see not just the good healing steps in my life or the good healing steps in therapy, but being open to the struggles it took to take those steps. Even in the moments of saying “this is where I am, and I don’t have it figured out, and that is OK because I am supported.”

This is such a HUGE step for me because I never allowed myself to be fully seen or supported without me putting up a partition wall to the struggles until It was ok for others to see. This is such a new space for me and I look forward to seeing how it brings me to the places I long to be.

I look forward to writing and connecting with others more in this space and seeing what it does for me and how it heals and meds and where it leads me.

I look forward to writing the blogs that say “I am having a hard day, and ITS OK” or showing up in my life no matter where it is open to the dark, and not just the light knowing healing can happen in both.

So I hope you will all walk with me in both the light and dark and both Good and Hard as I continue to take steps on this amazingly un-perfect journey.

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{ connection } the light to my path

Tonight I am sitting here and things are becoming clearer. I feel more connected tonight than I have in weeks.

I always have believed that “connection” is what serves a great path to my healing.

Today I was reminded of that connection. I was reminded that nothing has changed in this hard place I was in. Nothing has changed in the support, care or love – it’s there, I just need to accept it and have trust in it. Sometimes I need to be reminded when I get lost in the hardness.

I have realized over the years in therapy that connection is the light to my path. Each step I take in my healing, lights the path to go forward.

I spent a lot of my life in disconnection. Disconnection from myself and others. I was always a quiet and reserved person. I was shy and I retreated to myself a lot – until recently.

I have learned in my 5 years of therapy that there is a whole world out there wanting to be connected. I learned that each connection I accept is another light to my path.

It’s no surprise that the past couple of weeks for me have been grueling! I have had moments that I wanted to give up – I have had moments that nothing made sense to me. I had moments to anger and frustration! Those are the moments that the path is dim, but never dark.

I have learned in this path to healing that the road is never fully lit! You will go through moments of dim and what seems like darkness, but in real, those are the places you rest and gather strength (just like we need to sleep at night with the lights off).

There is one thing I have always told my therapist and that is “I cannot work when I feel disconnected”. When I feel connected I can get through almost anything… but as time as gone by, I have learned that I CAN work in disconnection… those are the moments I learn, and gather wisdom, and strength, and wonder. IT has allowed me to trust the connection even in the dark.

My journey in healing has been about learning to trust what is there even when I can’t see it. Yes it’s more comfortable and trusting when we can see it, but imagine how much more powerful it is to accept in the dark; in those places that don’t feel as connected. Those are the moments you need to grab a hold of connection.

Tonight I feel more connected to me, my support and God. It’s a feeling that I just feel deep within. I am coming out of this darkness I have been in for weeks now.

For the first time in weeks I am looking forward to my healing in therapy this upcoming week! I feel something is on the verge of happening and I feel “GOOD” all around me. Those are the feelings that bring light to my path – connection and trust; those are the brighter parts to my path.

 

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength.

Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church.

I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was:

PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen?

I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in session, sometimes my therapist will smile, because he knows this is a part of the growth. This is where “I emerge” out of the sorrow and pain. This is where the path is lied out to me that God is helping me to see.

When I heard my therapist suggest what I open myself up to, I was fearful at first. How do I take down every BIT of wall, and open myself up to anything I want? I may have taken down walls in my healing, but I am not naked by any means.

I have walls that are still built, but they are small and short. They are short enough to walk over, but tall enough to notice they are there. What if I took everything away and allowed myself to open up to a place I have never been; a place where I protect NO ONE?!!

This took my breath away. I thought about it all night, and when I hung up with my therapist I was blessed and joyous! I was fearful, but it was not the fearful that I usually experience, it was an exciting fearful.

I sit here tonight and I read the Psalms reading. It brings so much light to my path. I go to bed tonight with hope, and assurance, and I feel worthy that maybe just maybe I can take it all down and know I am possible for growth in openness.

Sleep finds me tonight – with the grace of God building my path as I sleep, and I am confident it will be strong enough to walk on when I wake.

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