giving myself voice..

When I first started this blog last year, it began in little thoughts. I started off using the “photo” to tell the story of what I was writing, and then slowly it became writing the story, and finding a photo to help tell the story.

As I continued to write and be inspired by a couple of people, I noticed more and more that my voice was being heard, and my stories were longer and more authentic to how I was feeling inside.

In the past 2 months I have noticed that my voice is getting stronger and stronger. My feelings are sitting at the surface and I am using that as a tool to put my voice out there to be heard.

Today’s blog writing I am inspired by one of my mentors “Keith Jennings” who’s blog topic was “finding your voice”.

Today in session I had small emotions here and there, but today was about talking. Today was about talking through my heart and my soul – just like I write.

Today I talked for 2 hours and had a good conversation – I was giving myself voice. It was a conversation of understanding, compassion, my feelings, some joys, some sorrows, thoughts, wonder, laughter, fears, problem solving, and much more!

I found that giving myself voice today, was just as healing as giving myself emotions yesterday.

I never ever had a voice growing up. I was silenced from the age of 5. Everything was a secret. Everything was hush to keep quiet. Everything was black and dark.

Anything that I did give voice to; was on paper inside the closet. I had no one to talk to, I had no outlet. The only outlet I had was within me, or the paper I created my thoughts on – to be hidden behind the walls in the closet.

When I was 9 years old, I taped my voice and thoughts on this little plastic fisher price tape recorder that I had gotten for my birthday from Mrs. Bell. I would talk into it, save the tapes by hiding them as well in the walls of my closet. I saved those tapes and put them in a lock box when I was 18 years old. I held onto her voice all these years.

6 months ago, I took those tapes out of the lock box, and I shared them in therapy. I was finally ready to take that risk and take them out of the dark. We both had racing hearts at the thought of opening her voice up to be heard.

We sat and listened to that 9 year old on those tapes, as we both sat there in tears hearing my voice finally being heard after all these years. Finally giving her voice; the little girl we have been healing for years and years.

I had no idea what was on those tapes, but to hear that little girls pain (me at 9) – was heart breaking! It was so hard to hear, that we had to take breaks between listen to each tape. We needed to take breaks and talk about the depth of her cry for help; a little girl only wanting to be heard.

One of the greatest joys that came out of listening to those tapes was “GIVING HER VOICE”. She was finally heard, and today, I am being heard. I am blogging my healing, I am reaching out to others; I am reading my blogs in therapy, along with working through my timeline.

All of my healing today is about “giving myself voice” – something I never had before. My voice was caught behind the lies and the darkness, and today just as we did 6 months ago, when listening to the tapes of that 9 year old – today I am giving myself voice, and finding ways to heal through it.

Having a voice also comes with its consequences and risks. You see and feel everything you never saw or felt before. You realize what was under that darkness and silence. You hear things you never knew you felt; you hear your own pain as you are crying the tears.

I working on my timeline in this journey is a part of that (voice being heard). It’s a part of being with the hard, but opening the wound and shutting it with truth.

Every day when I sit to write in my blog, I am giving myself voice. When I sit down to write my blog, the VERY first thing I think about is “she would be so happy that she is being heard”; that 9 year old that longed for a voice to be heard.

It’s hard, it’s good, it’s healing, and I am honored to share it with everyone who reads this. My hope is that my healing, my hurt, and my pain are also helping others through their own healing – through “my voice” and my “truth”.

 

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building a firm foundation

I love this quote. I love this quote because it stands out for those who are healing from their past. I love this quote because it’s strong and stands true! This isn’t only made to be said for woman, but men also!

I think about my own healing when I read this quote. It’s the same thing as “opening up a wound, and healing it closed with truth”. Each wound opened and healed, is another wound they no longer have control over.

People who suffer from trauma can take the bricks that were thrown at them, and build a stronger foundation with those bricks to move forward in your own path. Each one of those bricks is the way to your healing; to wholeness in finding your true self.

I got an email from someone yesterday and it has stuck with me all day today. It’s amazing how many people out there who suffer trauma from their past. It’s amazing how many people out there who are brave enough to take those bricks that were thrown at them, and build a stronger foundation; a foundation where you are saying “I am in control this time”. The person who emailed me, just took a brick and said “no more will I suffer alone”.

I guess you could take a few of those bricks and throw them back, but that is one less brick for you to have in your own path. I have never believed in an “eye for an eye”. I think there is more power in healing, than giving it back to those who hurt you. My healing is winning over their lies. each wound I open and close with truth, is one less piece of power they have over me.

I do alot of my path making in therapy, and I have an absolutely wonderful helper – someone I trust that has truly helped me build this path I have been on for years now. I am truly blessed beyond words!

Then there is my support system on the outside, people who have been by my side with open arms the whole time; helping me with each brick with understanding and care. I couldn’t ask for anything more!

I not only am building a path, but building a support system with those bricks as well; a support system of people who understand what it means to heal, and people who see the parts where you are kicked down and need help getting back up.

Then you have God, who stands over all of us, guiding us in the direction to build that path with hope and love, trust and connection.

It’s hard work, but good work. Some-days I feel like taking those bricks and CHUCKING them back with anger, and sometimes I actually do – but I always pick it back up and start working again. There are times I sit in sadness, and have a hard time working towards it.

There are times I want to give up, and just crawl into bed and have hope that someone is still building that path for me, even though I am not there doing the work. However, I still keep going with the wonderful support by my side who holds my hand at times in helping me gain the strength to keep going forward – wound by wound, brick by brick.

It’s hard, it’s right, and it’s healing.

 

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lifted and restored…

I woke up this morning and felt like I could breathe a little easier.

I felt a sense of goodness like I am in the right place, and that what happened yesterday in “being with my emotions” was what needed to happen.

I always talk to my therapist about “waiting for the day to be done this journey in healing”. Waiting for the day that I come in maybe once a month to check in, or waiting for the day that I am on my own path knowing that I am fully healed and I am fully ”restored”.

There have been times that I would sit there and say “by the end of the year I want to be done therapy, I want my own path, I want to be healed and move onto the next chapter in my life, no matter where life takes me.

Yesterday, I actually listened within, and listened to my therapist when he said “we need to slow down and honor what is here”.

I always want to keep going, and keep running to the next thing to get closer to my own path no matter how hard the works is. I am always thinking about the next step, even though the first is not finished. I get excited when I can move through things no matter how hard or how heart wrenching.

I want more than anything to be done this part of my journey. This is hard hard work. It’s not easy showing up and doing all the healing work that I do. It can be painful, it can be frustrating, and it can be confusing at times. However I know deep within that this is where I need to be, that I am at the right place, and I cannot rush the process.

I cannot rush the healing. You can’t pick the scab of a wound and expect it to heal quicker, and I am trying to see that and honor that – but when you have a day like yesterday, both honoring and hard, you wonder how you will have the energy to show up and work hard again.

I woke up this morning feeling lifted, but a little anticipated and anxious about what the day will bring.

One of the best things about this healing journey I have been on is being able to tell my therapist when I don’t want to work. I remember a while back ago, I came into session and said, “I don’t want to work today” and he said “OK let’s not work, let’s just talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, anything that makes you happy, your thoughts or about your boys, or about your church, or talk about God or the bible, – its’ your place in this journey, whatever feels good for you and I want to hear about it“.

I sometimes found that those moments are the most healing. I never had choices in my life before. I always did what everyone else told me to do. I never had moments where people cared about what I wanted, or wanted to hear anything that I wanted to talk about. In the work that I do in therapy, I can show up and say “I don’t want to work”, and it will be honored.

It’s very rare and in between that I feel that way, because I always want to get to the next chapter of healing, and looking to find another foothold, but I know that I cannot rush this healing process as much as I want to sometimes. I have to sit and observe what I have been through before moving on. I need to reflect and honor, and breathe in the moment that I had yesterday.

I feel lifted and restored today. I feel I have more energy to move forward, but not today. Today when I show up, it will be another day I say “I don’t feeling like working, let’s talk”.

I want to bask in the fact that I actually had a moment yesterday where emotions did not bring me fear, and that is a lot to honor. I need to sit with that for a while and talk about how GOOD it made me feel instead of running to the next wound.

All those years of holding the abuse is not going to go away in 5 years. I may want to be on my own path right now and be healed, but I know my time is coming. I can feel it, I can see the light to my path, and I can see my own path being laid out for me. I just need to take my time getting there by honoring what I am restoring.

Today I feel lifted and restored, and that is good enough for today. It’s another part of the healing at a slower pace, and I am going to honor that.

So – later today I show up, and I will say “I don’t want to do the work” and today I will talk about whatever it is I want to talk about, and that too shall be healing.

 

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