the powering in just being

tumblr_mm4w2oe4vj1s8rc3io1_400I have spent a lifetime hiding behind “true emotions” and putting up walls of okay-ness.

I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me.

I ask myself – What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don’t know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn’t matter.

or so I thought …

This past weekend I have come to accept and realize that it’s more work to hide my feelings and put up a front, than it is just to BE however I am feeling and let it be known by those around me.

I have found myself crying on a whim this weekend and I was confused as to why, but after reading a very insightful and supportive email from my therapist tonight, I know why –  I’m allowing myself to BE and that is painful, yet healing!

My therapist and I talked about something very big in session Friday and I opened up some pretty big wounds; wounds that were deep yet insightful. Wounds that were GOOD to open up, but hard to clean out and sit with.

Imagine how painful it is to sit with an open wound that is not yet healed? well that is what this weekend was for me after a big but wonderful session that we had Friday.

I went out for a car ride 9:30pm Saturday night and I was SOBBING while trying to drive, and I thought to myself “what the HELL is going on?” “WHERE IS MY WALL?” … and I realized I was crying because I needed to cry, I was feeling because I needed to FEEL and maybe that was okay.

Healing is happening this weekend even though it doesn’t feel that way.

My therapist explained to me in an email tonight that it makes his heart smile to know I am having a hard time, not because he doesn’t care, but because he knows healing is happening in what we talked about Friday. healing is happening because I am finding my self-worth enough to let those feelings be known and felt.

He always tells me “feelings and emotions are information NOT emergencies”.

I opened up to my support this weekend and I found it to be so much easier to just be open about how I feel, than to hide behind those true emotions and put up walls of okay-ness.

I felt better as soon as I talked about it. I felt better when my support came back to me with a very supportive caring email filled with hope. My feelings were known instead of it being held in. I feel better NOW vs waiting days and days until I have the courage to talk about it.

There is a lot of power in just BEING in the moment.

It’s not an easy lesson to learn when all I know is to hide behind my true emotions and put on a strong front. It’s like walking against the current.. it will take time to learn that it’s okay to be in the moment of how I feel now, let it be known, talk about it and trust I am supported in the openness no matter how hard it is.

My therapist once told me a long time ago that people are more drawn to authentic emotions and someone who is struggling rather than someone who is hiding behind emotions always feeling they have to be strong. He said “it makes me want to help you more when you lean into those true authentic feelings because I know healing is happening”.

I think this weekend has been a moment that I allowed myself to just BE how I was feeling and I reached out in that. It didn’t feel good, but in the long run it will create space for me to be how I need to be instead of hiding behind walls of okay-ness.

ON this healing path I am on I am learning so much about myself I never have known before. Everyday is a challenge both painful and joyful, and this weekend I have really learned that it’s more work to NOT BE than it is to JUST BE and that is powerful – that is healing!

I am HEALING and it’s so okay to feel the way I feel.

I have a big week ahead of me in therapy.. a lot of things I am working hard on, and I hope that I find the strength to continue to be in FRONT of the wall instead of behind it.

I feel better tonight because I decided to get out from behind the wall of “STRONG” and the wall of “OKAY-NESS” and say “Hey I feel sad, I feel tearful, I feel hurt, and I need a little support tonight” and I got it, and I was reached back out to, and I feel better. I was met with care, love and support from my therapist who made me see this is healing and I feel better knowing someone understands.

Maybe there is something to just being. Maybe there is more power in just being than I ever thought .. and MAYBE I can accept that it doesn’t mean I am dependent  it just means I NEED support sometimes and that is OKAY.

Continue Reading

self care

75d3591fd85f10c98744e5d510c7888aWhat is self-care? that was a question I didn’t have an answer to just a couple of years ago. I never knew how to provide myself with self-care without the feeling of guilt attached to it.

I have learned much about self-care in therapy, and my therapist is really good about guiding me towards my own self care, and I have learned (at a snail’s pace) how to accept that.

I have gotten better about taking time for myself in the middle of the week, and maybe taking a day of the weekend to just take care of me, but I fall short many times in the middle of the busyness of my life.

My therapist is doing “Male Survivor” this weekend in North GA, and he will be gone the rest of this week and the weekend.

When he does these small little breaks, I also clear my schedule and give myself a break.

Therapy and healing is hard hard work, and sometimes I need a couple of days to break myself down, and then put myself together with a fresh coat of paint.

I have come to realize over the years of therapy that I need to take advantage of these small breaks when they come up, and I am finding more and more that I enjoy it.

Years and years ago when I first began therapy I would almost freak out when my therapist took a vacation or went away on these mal survivor retreats for a couple of days because I was afraid he would forget where I was in my healing, or maybe the young part of me was afraid he wouldn’t come back. I wasn’t dependent on HIM, I was dependent on the healing, and was afraid all my hard work would go away and I would have to start over.

Here I am 6 years later and I look forward to the small breaks, and that is so different from where I was just a couple of years ago.

I have not only grown to “trust” the process, but I have also grown to give myself the self-care that I need, and to trust that it’s OK to take time out for me.

Self care is never an easy thing to do, because naturally I put others before myself. Self-care for me in the past was about self survival, not the kind of self-care that holds love for myself.

I will take this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday and clear my whole schedule. NO Dr appointments, no errands to run, no driving the boys around.. just time out for me in doing whatever it is that helps me “self-care”

My therapist offered to stay connected the time he was up gone in the next couple days (by him texting and checking in or me emailing), but you know what? maybe that is an offer I would have taken in the past, but I said to him “no you go and do what you need to do, and I am going to take some time to just reflect and refresh” and he respected me for that, and I respected myself for stating what it was that I needed and good for me for taking on that self-care.

I am not sure how much I will write in my blog the next couple of days, but if I do, I will write with no agenda.

I look forward to the next couple of days, and when we both return to therapy Tuesday, my healing is still there, my hard work still awaits me – but for now I just BREATHE and enjoy the self-care that also awaits me – however that looks

Like I said in my blog post yesterday – healing is a continuous journey, even when you take time to sit for a couple of days.

Continue Reading

still holding on . . .

aeb49113c0295cf9be7569219e077c70This weekend so far has been a toss between good and hard, sad and happy, empowered and maybe feeling a little weak, but I try to remind myself “I am not there yet, but I am so close“.

Being stuck in place and waiting for “the switch” to happen inside is not always the easiest thing. I know what I want to feel, I know what I want to do, I know where I am going – but it’s not here yet.

It can be so frustrating at times.

In all the years I have been working on my healing and physical healing in the gym, and all the hard work I do – this is the longest I have been stuck emotionally.

I have support, I have love, I have people around me who remind me that I am cared for when I am feeling down.

I am surrounded by endless understanding. I have a therapist who checks in (in between sessions) and always reminds me of the okay-ness of where I am, and showing me the hope of where I am heading in my healing.

I have people who embrace me – ask me how I am doing if I am the slightest bit quiet. I have people who understand this “stuck” place emotionally I have been in, and truly deep inside I know if I hold out my hand, I have 10 hands waiting for mine… but really finding that goodness is an inside job.

I have learned that no matter how many people surround me, truly the way to goodness and strength inside is something that I need to grab a hold of myself. There is no one who can do it for me – support me YES absolutely, but do it for me NO.

In the past when I have been stuck I have waited for that switch to happen and I know when it happens, because nothing can stop me. I am filled with fire, I am ready, I am pumped, I am filled with unstoppable energy .. and sitting here writing this, I know it’s close, I know I am almost there, but not yet, something is still there and we are working hard to figure that out.

I have been stuck emotionally many times in my life, but this time it’s taking longer, but the one thing I have learned in this is that, something is to be heard, learned and understood about this time, and I am listening quietly and patiently.

I will continue to pray to God; show up and write him letters about how I am feeling and know that when the time is right, when something is to be learned from this stuck place, that I will move, and not only will I move, but I will move BIG!

Like my therapist tells me and just told me “what we can do in this moment is stay connected, continue to lean in, you continue to look at all of  us who have their hand out, know that we can talk about anything, and keep holding the hope, and it will happen“.

– I will feel better inside and move out of this stuck place I am in.

I will get to the place again to go to church every weekend and not feel unworthy of it. Enjoy eating again without feeling sick to my stomach. I will go to the gym with no fear that I am not strong enough. I will go to the coffee-house and sit with my friends and let myself be seen in the hardness OR the goodness without feeling isolated. I Will move out of this stuck place.

So tonight I will make dinner with my family. I will write my Sunday night connection email to my therapist. I will go for a night drive with my husband like we always do on Sunday nights. I will continue to write.. chat with my close friends online.. relax with a book, and tomorrow I will wake up and let the healing continue.

However I will say this, this has been a VERY hard “stuck” place I have been in for 2 months now; the longest I have been stuck ever.

but I have BIG FAITH – HUGE FAITH that it’s not going to be like this for much longer. I KNOW something is waiting for me and that shift will happen. I know something is going to happen to where I shift into a huge place inside my soul and in my healing, and I trust all the love and support around me in that .. but right now I will just move through each moment until that moment comes…

I have some hard work to do in therapy this week .. we have two 2-hour sessions planned this week and deep inside – I have a good feeling about this week coming up. My therapist sounds filled with hope, maybe even a little joyful/excited, and he says to me ” you don’t see what I see, but you will“. I trust that, I really do. I have been trusting it for 6 years and I will continue to.

I am blessed by all the people who know about my hard stuck time right now.. God has surrounded me with good good people .. I am lucky and have never lost sight of that – ever!

Continue Reading

that old familiar feeling

1a23f0426bb24ca33b8161a27e3e029eIt took me a long long time to really feel comfortable in the therapy room when I started therapy 6 years ago.

I remember my first steps into the therapy room and how scared I was. I sat in the leather chair with one foot out the door, and now years later, it’s a room filled with my story, and my healing; a place where I am accepted, supported, loved and heard fully.

I am in that space 4 days a week with Tuesday being 2 hours, you would have to say it’s like another little home for me; home to my healing, home to a place I expose my wounds. Home to a place I also invite God to heal along side of me.

Therapy for me is not just about showing up in a room being stuck with the past. Therapy is about learning, growing, getting to know myself while having someone along side of me to help me walk the path of unsureness.

Therapy is about trusting another person with the scars and pain that binded me for so long. Therapy is about relationship and taking someone along into the world that was dark and being guided to find the light.

Therapy for me is finding who God created me to be, and not what others wanted to create inside of me. Therapy is a process, and a process that so far in 6 years has changed me so much that I don’t even remember the person I was behind the walls that surrounded me.

If you look around the therapy room you will see things on his desk that I have brought in over the years like the healing hope box and the timeline books.

There is a little zen garden that I got my therapist a long time ago at the beach that holds small little meaningful things that represent me and my healing – milestones of moments that mean something to a part of my story.

There is a cup that has the word “Dance” on it written in chalk, and a cross made from one of the “Palm Sunday” services I went to that we plan to make to ashes one day.

The therapy room is shared by many wonderful clients; people who also share their stories and pain – but when I walk in, I feel in those moments, it’s my little corner of the world where I heal, where I am fully accepted to be heard and it feels safe and comforting.

This past year while I was going through an unexpected/unfortunate situation that ruptured the even-flow of the room and my healing in therapy, it was hard showing up and feeling as if my healing place was safe, healing or comfortable. It felt compromised by a situation I had no control over.

It held stress, sadness and an unsureness for a while – but I kept showing up! I never gave up my healing process no matter how hard it was and trusted that it will feel that way again, I just needed to trust it – 6 years of trust was what I held onto.

Today when I walked into session, something felt hugely familiar again; something felt really comforting. I don’t know what that change was, but it brought me back to before all the past hard year happened.. it felt familiar.

I sat on the couch with my therapist and I looked around (per my usual routine) before moving into the talking with him, and something shifted and it felt like a good familiar – even though I still showed up in the hardness, today it felt different.

I looked over at my healing box, I looked over at my words that still stand big on the white board that says “I choose to heal and dance with confidence“. I looked over at the tree photo that hangs to my left, I looked over at the zen garden and all the little things inside of it that represent me and my healing.

I looked at my therapist and just felt “home” again, even though I am there many days a week – something felt hugely familiar and it gave me goosebumps and a smiling heart inside.

I remember saying to myself in session this afternoon “thank you God”. “Thank you God for helping me to see what has always been here, but was just covered by hardness for a while.

I don’t know if it’s because I finally feel the year-long battle of this situation that happened has finally come to a close with some peace?

I don’t know if it’s GOD showing up and saying “this is a safe place to heal as it always has been, accept it and see the goodness in it”.

I don’t know if it was the great talk my therapist had with me today that brought me into the familiar again.

Whatever it is, it felt good; the best its felt in a long time.

My therapist felt the same shift … like a familiar part of me came through today, and he was excited and we celebrated that something small shifted in the room today.

Today I felt there was a part of me that settled back into what was always familiar for me in this room – the safe-ness, the comfort and support, and the great energy of connection and of course the wonderful wisdom and knowledge I love to hear.

Even though I show up 4 days a week and have never quit or given up – I have to say “I’ve missed it” and it feels good to be in the familiar feeling again.

Healing is a hard process, and it’s not always easy to show up in a place where your wounds have been and are exposed, gutted  and prodded over and over! But along with that comes the process, the learning, and the support inside of it that helps heal the exposed hardness.

I’m smiling and taking a deep breath right now. I am writing this today because it feels so good and right and I wanted to share it, and there is more to healing and writing than just the hard stuff – there is the goodness that shows up right in the middle of the hardness and today was one of those days for me.

I am glad I can take you all along with me in the goodness today – thank you for giving me that opportunity to be open no matter what is here, good or bad, happy or sad, anger or elation .. it’s nice to have people walk aside of me in all those feelings.

I look forward to showing up next week … to that familiar feeling that was always there, but just covered for a while.

Continue Reading

another step forward

tumblr_mifb17Q74Y1qbx8ago1_500Ironically, when I left session today and was driving home, I got a phone call that came in, and oddly enough I answered it not knowing who it was. Low and behold (God Willing) it was one of my old personal trainers Brian.

We talked on the phone for a little bit, and I was truthful with him, just as I was in the my blog writing “Truth be Told” .. I told him I have been out of the body building and weight training for a year or so, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to come back.

After talking for a little while, he convinced me to come in and do one training session with him tomorrow just to put my foot in the water, just to get a taste of my old love for the gym – and I ACCEPTED!

I truly believe that God works in mysterious ways! I have not heard from him in months and months.. why would this phone call come on the heels of a huge step forward in admitting to my struggle, and sharing that and being with that and accepting my struggle as OK? I love those little gifts from God that show up and fall into place.

So, When I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath and said, OK, that was the next step – accepting. The hardest step will actually be the strength going forward in showing up in that gym again; the same gym where I worked out 3-4 hours a night with all the trainers and pretty much owned the gym. The same gym where my confidence was sky-high and I felt good about the place I was in physically.

I bought some new gym clothes tonight; some new running pants and work out jacket and of course I have my new sneakers… I am ready to go physically, but we will see how ready I am emotionally tomorrow.

I was reminded today that “I dont have to have it all figured out to move forward” .. I can heal along the way no matter how hard it is taking those steps. I dont have to have what has surfaced from this hardness figured out to make one small step – I can do both.

I have to admit, I am the type of person that once I get that first step forward in the gym – feeling those weights, I almost start running forward with excitement  and go crazy at 100mph wanting to soak it all in at once!

– but what I have learned in the many years from my therapist in a gentle way is how to “slow down, and embrace each moment both hard and good” Because that is where the healing is. If I run past something (hard or good), I won’t experience it the way I should, in a healing way to understand it.

My hope is that I share with my therapist tomorrow that I took this huge step forward in the gym with my trainer. I hope I can celebrate that I took that step forward after a year of isolating from it. I didn’t tell him about the phone call yet, and it will be a really good moment.

I honestly cannot wait till I can confidently and emotionally get fully back into the gym. The gym was a huge part of my life for years! I was getting ready to compete in weight lifting competition before I hurt my knee, and before this past hard year happened.. but right now, my focus is the step forward, and a step forward into becoming healthy again too.

This past year my eating has been scarce, and being a personal wellness coach for many years, I know how bad it is to NOT eat and skip meals, because not eating enough is just as bad as over-eating. I have been skipping meals and living off caffeine for the past year, and I need to get myself back to healthy clean eating and physically taking that step forward.

So tomorrow, I am taking another step forward. I will focus, I will breathe, I will know I am supported and connected, and I know that no matter what, it’s still one foot in front of the other – going forward physically and emotionally.

There is this quote I saw on a photo yesterday and I love love love it .. it says

The first step to living the life you want, is leaving the life you don’t want. Taking the first step forward is always the hardest. But then each step forward gets easier and easier. And each step forward gets you closer and closer, until eventually what had once been invisible starts to be visible. And what had once felt impossible, starts to feel possible – Karen Salmansohn

Continue Reading

feelings of anger

love-quotes-026I had big anger in session yesterday!

I didn’t plan it, I didn’t really see it coming, but then again anger has been at the surface for a while now; it was just a matter of time before it found it’s way out to be heard, seen and felt.

When I think of anger I think about holding onto a rope with a beast of some kind at the other end pulling and dragging me and not being able to get control of the rope.

Anger is something I struggle with. I avoid it, swallow it, and find every way possible to move away from it. Anger is a hard emotion for me to feel, accept or even talk about.

I am angry, and I have a right to be.

I woke up yesterday morning and thought about this past year and how hard it was for me, and the moment I allowed myself to go to that place of anger thinking about the past year, my ears got hot, my insides were flushed, and I began to talk words inside my head – and well, lets just say it wasn’t very nice or christian like.

I have spoken often about what I have been through in the past year. Yes I have found ways of letting go, I have found ways of moving away from it, and towards myself and this wonderful path I have in front of me – but I have never allowed myself to really feel and be with anger about it.

A part of me feels that if I feel or talk about the anger it means I am not letting it go; that I am allowing myself to be stuck – but somehow yesterday I felt maybe that wasn’t the case, maybe feeling the anger and talking about it gives me more movement going forward. Maybe allowing myself to write about anger in my blog helps to give an outlet to the anger. Maybe speaking about the anger gives me more empowerment and not dis-empowerment.

I am angry! I am angry because I have gone through a hard year that was totally unfair and inexplicable unnecessary.

I am angry because in this past year of hardness it caused me to go so far off my path that it was incredibly hard to find that path back.

I am angry because simply “this did not need to happen”. I was a woman going about my healing, working hard, minding my own business and someone came and ripped that from under-neath me – no reason  – not even a good excuse.

I am angry that just because I am who I am, and have what I have, I was punished by triggers and feelings of fear by someone else’s insecurities put on me – which baffles me because, I dont know who in the hell would want my life. Live a day of my life in 2 O’Clock and I guarantee you will be scratching your way out begging for yourself and your own life back.

I am angry that I am still working through the many things that this caused to surface from my past through the triggers and fears.

I am angry that a year of my healing was derailed and had to crawl, kick, cry and suffer to find my way back up.

What I have come to recently accept is  – just because the situaiton has stopped, doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t have big feelings about it.

Years ago I would have swallowed it and let it go, but today I am (very very slowly) learning, these are my feelings, and I have the right to feel them with no guilt or shame.

My support reminds me everyday “You have a right to feel the way you feel“, and somewhere inside I know that – but I struggle a little with it because I have always been the person of reason. I have always been the type of person that doesn’t allow myself to stay in that place for the sake of feeling the anger or emotions around it.

As a child, I learned whatever emotion I was feeling, “you get RID of it and get rid of it NOW!! Stand straight, sit up and suck it up! smile and move on.

Yesterday in session I showed anger, and felt anger.

My therapist wasn’t afraid of my anger, he wasn’t scared or judged me, in fact he helped me get to some of that deep anger yesterday. He walked along side of me in the anger, even held the pillow as I wrestled with the anger and allowed me to be with no judgement. He gave me safety in my anger; reminding me that what I feel is right and true.

But what I also know is this:

I know that I will never have the answers to why this past year happened or why I went through what I went through.

I dont have the meaning or reason behind the crazy making behind it. There is no making sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

What I do know is what I can do about it, and I am doing just that.

I am moving on towards me and the path my support has laid out in front of me with open arms.

I have a soft place to land that is safe and surrounded by connection and support.

What I do know is, I am on the other side of this; working towards me and only me by not trying to find answers in something that will never have a justifiable answer.

I know that somewhere God has put a message in this hard year that needs gentle attention, healing, and knowing.

I am relieved that this situation has come to an end and that I can breathe a little better knowing I can finally move forward from this.

I know there is continued work around what has been surfaced because of this, but I also know I have support in that.

A year ago at this time I was the in the middle of what was going to be a hard long year, and today I have the choice to move out of it, and I have, and I did.

The empowerment in this is – what I know is a lot more vs. what I dont know.

one of my favorite quotes is this :

“Time Heals what Reason Cannot”
– Roman Philosopher Seneca

There is so much truth in that statement, and a part of that time is allowing myself the anger and sadness that this past year brought me.

You know, maybe some people can wash their hands of it and move on for the sake of moving on – but I choose to move on and allow myself to feel as I should, because feeling is a part of that movement forward.

I spent a lifetime “moving on for the sake of moving on” not being able to own one bit of my emotions, and that led me to endless pain and suffering – and even isolation as a child .. I won’t do that to myself today.

So it doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on, it simply means I am moving forward – towards me  – something worth way more than what the year has brought onto me.

Continue Reading

quieting the inner child

innerchild (1)I struggle with the inner voice to my past everyday; the inner voice being the past beliefs of all that I was told, all that I believed, and all that I was abused into.

Everyone has that little voice of reason inside of them, you know, It’s that gut feeling, or voice inside that allows us to weigh out hard decisions or choices.

That inner voice that warns us that something doesn’t feel quite right, a second guess, a doubt, or a fear. Well imagine living with that every day – welcome to my life.

For me, the inner voice is my past, and it keeps me from doing anything without a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th guess – TRUST WHAT?

The inner voice is the child I was when I was abused. I was abused sexually from the age of 5 till I was 11, but the beliefs and the inner voice is the 9 year old, because that is the age I came to the understanding that what was happening was not right, and “hey, this is not right, this doesn’t feel right anymore, they are hurting me, not loving me”.

That is the age I started to fight inside and knew deep deep inside that this is not what a child should be doing or going through. This is the age I started to fight them off, and this is the age I started to plan the “how do I tell” – and I did tell at the age of 10.

The 9 year old child inside today is the past and the beliefs that no matter what anyone says, it will have it’s say before I can rationally be what what is vs what I hear.

When someone says something, I have to hear it 2 or 3 times before I even consider it to be true or right or true. There is always that voice inside of me that doubts everyone’s intentions – there HAS to be a motive, how can anyone do anything for me without there be some form of abuse attached to it.

As the adult today over 40, married, and who has 3 beautiful boys of her own, I know I am no longer in that abuse. I know I am not being hurt, but that little voice inside of me always makes me take a step back in fear – because nothing is safe.

There is a good side to that, but there is also a bad side to that; or as my therapist would describe it – “a blessing and a curse”. The blessing is, it allows me to have boundaries and walls that are needed.. the curse is it allows me boundaries and walls that are not needed.

When someone tells me “I care about you” the inner voice of the past say “at what cost?, whats in it for you?”.

When I am told I am supported, loved and cared for, that small voice inside says “yeah but, what if, are you sure?, maybe I am not good enough”.

This is a huge obstacle for me in my healing and always has been. It has been helpful at times, and other times it has gotten in my way from accepting the beautiful things that people offer me.

Continue Reading

healing takes time

0814615236When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later.

I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from – with just a little less walls and pain.

Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn’t even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.

When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.

I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist “the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again“. We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn’t joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.

“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.” – Rachel Naomi Remen

As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing – I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.

This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.

I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.

I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal – no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to – a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.

I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.

I dont think about when therapy will end,  I don’t think about the healing process time frame. I don’t think about those things at all – I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.

I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes!  Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was,  well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.

Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year – it’s a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me – but right now this is my path and I am walking it.

During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don’t only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.

This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on – but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.

So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency – but rather something I deserved for me.

How much time it takes isn’t the question – it’s about what I am learning along the way and accepting that “this is my time to heal, it’s my time to live”.

So the next time your wondering “how long will this healing take?”.. don’t think about “when” think about “what you are doing for yourself”, and let the healing continue.

Continue Reading