31 Days {Day 24} breaking the silence

originalWhen I saw that the 31 day “WORD” for the Five Minute Friday challenge month was “silence” I just had to use the word as a part of my writing today!

Breaking the Silence is what I stand for! I am a CASA for ATLANTA (Court Appointed Special Advocate).

I am a court-appointed advocates for abused or neglected children in order to provide children with a safe and healthy environment in permanent homes.

I AM FOR CHILD! I am the voice for the children who don’t have a voice, or anyone to stand for their voice.

Not only do I work for CASA, but I work hard in my own healing by “breaking the silence” every day by using my voice to connect and talk about the wounds that once isolated me to silence!

I am all about “breaking the silence”

I stand for those who tell their story against those who abused and hurt them! I stand for those who have the courage to write their story and let their vulnerable self be seen so that others out there will not feel alone in their fight for freedom for internal peace!

I am proud to be a CASA, I wish I had a CASA when I was a little girl who needed a voice to stand for the abuse I was enduring. I was sexually abused from the age 5 until I was 10 right under the nose of those who”knew” it was going on, but never did a thing to stop it! I never had a voice, and I wish I did back then.

I can’t change what happened when I was little, but what I can do is, use my voice today as a way to heal the wounds. Talking about my abuse and telling my story is breaking the silence and letting those wounds AIR and HEAL; no longer laying dormant in the dark getting infected!

Shedding light on the dark everyday!

For those out there who still sit in silence – you are NOT alone! your voice matters! Your story is important! Your wounds are cared for by those who want to help heal them with you! YOU are WORTHY of being seen and supported!

it took me a long long time to really get that! Years of work with my therapist who still reminds me of the good work I am doing, I finally have learned to accept it and believe in my voice.

If you ever have doubt, just know that you are not alone to speak that voice and letting the light shine on the darkness of the lies and silence!

BREAK the SILENCE! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!

 

Continue Reading

31 Days {Day 23} Finding New Trust

770776b96b98399f05dcaac1c1759ed9It has taken me a very long time to accept that I have an inner young child within me; an inner child that everyone has, only mine is stuck and has been stuck since she was 5 years old!

Stuck in the old messages, stuck in the old feelings, stuck in the old fears and disconnection. Stuck in the world where “no one is safe” “nothing is safe” and “everyone lies and hurts“.

This year has been a lot of accepting of that inner young child work that I have been doing in therapy, and I can finally say “I do have a young inner child”.

The moment I became accepting to this, it became easier to see and feel when the young part in me hears old messages and lies; those lies that stop me (the adult me) from being who I need to be.

I have been working very hard to change those old messages, listen to them, hear them, be with the fear that the young inner child is feeling and working with that by replacing it with truth and a safe connection.

Not always easy, and sometimes very painful – but she’s getting there.

This past Thursday in session, I finally began feeling like the younger inner child is finally having this big trust for my therapist – after 8 years of work together, I think the young part is finally beginning to trust the process of the work we do, and trusting my therapist and the connection he offers and the words he speak

This is a big deal!!!!

 

A lot of times the young inner child within me really puts messages in my head that are really hard to battle sometimes. There will be times when I want to take steps, but something won’t allow me, and I am finally realizing it’s the younger me holding onto old messages and lies and steering my course to healing – when I the adult me wants to move forward!

Its a constant battle

 

My therapist has told me many times that everyone has an inner child, only some people have an inner child who has grown up along side of the adult they have become. Sometimes that inner child will show up in the fun side of the adult we can be – the adult who wants to play or be funny, or just wants to BE!

My inner child doesn’t know what its like to be loved, cared for, playing and having fun, enjoying being a kid! She only knew the abuse, the lies, the fear and abandonment! She stopped growing and got stuck inside those fears while I grew up NUMB and afraid to connect with others.

Until 8 years ago, when I got the help I knew I needed!!

 

Today, even after 8 years, it’s still a hard process, but one that is becoming easier to journey. I am slowly noticing the difference between messages I hear that are from the past vs messages I hear from the truth today. It’s a process that takes time.

I felt something Thursday when hearing my therapist talk about something and there was a quiet joy inside, it was “her listening and not battling me with the old messages… she allowed me to hear and even believe which was SO different!

It didn’t stop from old messages getting in the way the next day or even today, but you know what? that one moment of that inner child just allowing me to stop, listen, and hear truth while allowing me to feel connection in a hug that I could feel and trust from my therapist was GOOD and was REAL and it’s something to hold hope in!

It Begins!

 

the journey has taken a new turn and I am excited yet scared about what is next.

Continue Reading

my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

Continue Reading

writing for me

JPEG image-4DDD67A6E979-1When I first began my blog about 6 years ago, I was very hesitant about others seeing what I wanted to write about; what my deepest thoughts were.

So I started out the blog by talking about things that were easy, like – “how much I love my boys”, “Photos of the family” “every day little thoughts”, poems, quotes, just little things that people coule relate to.

As I began to feel the blog water out, I began writing from my heart! I began to write about the past and all the haunting stories that fill my soul even today.

I began telling people my story in how I am a “adult survivor of child sexual abuse” and how living with that every day effects me.

I Then began writing about my therapy and the healing process. I began writing about the truths of the every day struggles of healing, mixed in with a little bit of my faith.

But the one thing I noticed, was that my blog was responded to a lot when I wrote about faith, and family, and the every day things that others can relate to… but on the days I wrote about the struggles of my healing – there was silence – hardly any responses but just very few.

I felt alone, and thought “maybe my voice is too loud”.

I have written my thoughts out since I was as little as 5 years old. Putting my thoughts out there from the heart was how I healed, and today it still works the same way – when I write about my healing and the process of healing that I go through every day, it helps, it heals, it gives me voice to the dark.

I noticed that my writing has been few and in between lately. I am hesitant (for many other reasons from 3 years ago when I was watched closely by another around my therapy writing) but I am hesitant to really put my thoughts out there about my every day struggles and healing in fear I wont connect with anyone.

I began to write less and less, and I noticed the past couple of weeks this VOID in my heart … I want to write about EVERYTHING! I want to write about my healing process, I want to write about the truths and the struggles and even the good in the struggles and not fear it wont make a connection with others.

I know that when I write about the things that people tend to shy away from, there is less connection – but the thing is, how can people turn from truth? I can’t fake it, and I wont fill my blog with only smiles and rainbows and how much I love God!

Yes, I am a very faithful woman, I love God, love my faith, love my family, and I am all about writing about the good, but why shy away from the hard? Why shy away from writing about things that heal; even if it’s a hard road that got me there?

I spent a childhood being silenced to only talk about the good and never the hard or the bad, I don’t want to live that way again. I am tired of writing to please the connection and others out there, and when I do write about the hard and the healing, there are those who truly stand by me and get it, and that feels good!

A couple of weeks ago, I created a Facebook group called “Together We {BLOG} and I have met some wonderful people from all walks of life.. people who are faithful and love their faith, people who write for the love of writing, and yes even people who struggle and battle with struggles from the past and living life with trauma issues.

I began to read other people’s blogs and how free their writing is, and how much I miss writing about all the sides of me, not just the good and faithful, and how much I love my family and god .. I missed writing about the very things people shy away from.

It has taken me a long time to say “I am an adult survivor of Child Sexual Abuse” and I am not about to put that back into silence anytime soon.

I miss writing the way I used to write 3 years ago .. about all the things in my life, and yes the healing part – my every day healing process and the walks an steps I take in therapy, which is a huge part of my life.

I have decided this week that I am no longer going to silence myself from the things I fear doesn’t create a connection, because I look at it this way, if people can’t connect with all of me, all sides of me, the good and the struggles, then it’s not a connection to begin with.

The quote that came into mind this past week “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”

I look forward to opening my blog once again and not having the tension of what I should write about to be accepted in connection.. I will write from the heart, write for the truth, write about the things that are hard and good.. and most importantly I am going to write for ME!

Linking up with “Three Word Wednesday

Continue Reading

letting {fear} write the script – no more

d46dadfa4eb678318ca9db801a7ae7b1I saw this quote last weekend and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since!

This quote really opened my heart and my mind to so many things around me; especially looking back on this hard year I have had.

The quote was this:

“Our eyes are not just viewers they are also projectors that are running a 2nd story over the picture that we see in front of us all the time! Fear is writing that script, and the working title is “I will never be enough”.

When I read that quote it was like something huge shifted inside of me; something that I have never felt before. Something changed, I changed, my feelings changed, my outlook changed!

If you really read the quote, it tells us that no matter what we have going on in front of us, there is always a 2nd story being written over what is really here! FEAR writes the script of what it is that is really here and that fear gets in the way at times, and most of the time that script is telling us “I am not enough”.

This quote has defined exactly what the past couple of years has been for me.

As readers of my blog, I know you have read many different versions of what I am going through. Sometimes I feel on top of hope, and other times I am not so sure. I have written about the REALLY hard, and the REALLY good. I have had moments where I thought I was going through a really good shift, but then realized later it was false hope.

This time, it feels SO different! I feel SO different!

Something shifted over thanksgiving break and I have never felt a sense of movement like I do now. I have never felt so connected as I do now.

Over thanksgiving break I took a step out of my head and really got clear about what was going on around me. I told my therapist that I wanted the week of Thanksgiving break to be time for me to get out of my head and time for me. I didn’t want to connect over break; that I trusted the really good connection we have.

It was a great break for me to get out of my head, away from the healing, and really get curious and clear about where I am! it was amazing!

This past year has been about not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, not feeling good about myself causing me to be in this place of isolation… but what was really going on inside of me? What was causing this isolation?

What 2nd story was being played out in front of what was real? I realized, it was FEAR .. and knowing that now gives me hope of what I need to do next! In fact, I am changing hope to faith – because faith holds more promise than hope.

Coming back into my healing after the Thanksgiving break was nothing short of amazing connection! This past week was the best week I have ever had in therapy! I am more connected now than I have ever been – ever!

My therapist and I are both so excited about the path going forward! So many thoughts and ideas I have about what caused this isolation and what is really here in front of me that needs a place to be placed.

Today my therapist and I were talking about this big shift and he was glowing with excitement! He slid over to me and gave me the biggest hug of connection telling me how proud he was of me and just how DIFFERENT he see’s this shift to be and how there is big opportunity here in this big shift! It’s EXCITING!

I plan to share some of these steps with you all. I know I haven’t written much in the past week and a half, but I took a small week or so break from writing so I could really get clear about this new shift and path I am on. I didn’t want to jump ahead too quickly before I really knew what God was showing me.

I have come to realize that FEAR is the script that got in the way of where I was going this past year, and more so the past COUPLE of years. I let outside circumstances really steer the course of my healing path and it got the best of me, and now I am here writing my OWN script to my healing … no longer letting fear take control over what I want, and what I need going forward!

Fear is a huge obstacle that can get in the way of many things! That quote was right on .. there will always be a 2nd story over the truth of what is really in front of us if we let Fear control the story. WE HAVE a choice! I HAVE A CHOICE, an I know that now.

A part of the healing is realizing what that 2nd story is telling us, and how to focus on the truth of what is real vs what is not.

I hear and know that loud and clearly!

I am excited! It will be some work moving through some of the things I need to move through, but I am ready to face whatever it is I need to do to re-write the script fear has forced upon me the past couple of years!

This place I have been in is no place for me … isolation and feelings of unworthiness is not the place God would want me to be, thats not the story God has written for me or my path.

One step at a time is what is needed … however big or small – at least it’s a step “out” and not a step “in”.

Continue Reading

five minute friday {whisper}

e0f2356409673b9f8dcb6e396a475e56Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing.

No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {Whisper}

{Start}

The word Whisper resonates with me this week! “hope” is the word that whispers loudly in my ears and my soul this week.. hope is the anchor to all the hardness that I have been going through, and when we have more hope, it gives us more strength.

In session yesterday I opened up about something big and I wrote about it, and I am still reeling from the goodness and hope that this openness brought me. Everyday I am holding more and more hope that by being open and listening to the hope inside, it brings me more strength to keep on going, keep on fighting the fight!

I think sometimes the world is so loud that we never truly sit and listen to what God is telling us. I believe God is fighting for our attention in the midst of our hardness. We sometimes become so involved in life and in trying to solve our own troubles, that we don’t sit and really listen to the whisper of God’s wisdom.

That is what happened to me this week. I sat and really paid attention to the quietness, and in that quietness I heard hope, an in that hope I felt strength, and in that strength I was able to lean on support, and the support, care and love that I have circles back around to the hope!

I have begun something new. Every Saturday morning, I allow myself 2 hours of just sitting on the couch with a book, or even my laptop to read. I give myself those 2 hours in the quiet morning just for me, and I realized something in that. We pray to God and make time to say what we need to him right? what about God speaking to us? Do we ever think that maybe God wants us to sit still in life and hear what he has to say to us? That is what my Saturday mornings have become.

Whether it be through the reading I am doing, or the writing I am engaged in, I always find God speaking to me in some form. That is what this week was for me. I really paid attention to what God was praying to me. I think God prays to US too, we just need to really believe in that.

So, this week sparks hope inside of me. I have more hope after this great week in session and really being open about what this hardness has been about. I found hope in the whisper in between the busyness of life and I paid attention to it enough to embrace it, and really lean into that.

If you were to take time out during the week, what would you hear? take some time to really listen, because you never know what the whispers of life is trying to tell you.

END

Continue Reading

holding onto connection

tumblr_n548u2fiXb1tvjsowo1_500A lot of my healing and the work I have done since I started therapy has been about connection and learning how to not let the old messages of the past get in the way of that connection.

Connection has been the core of what I have learned over the years, but sometimes those old messages do creep back in and take over, and for me when that happens its really hard to get me back out of that darkness of disconnection.

Since I was little, when I felt disconnected I would change my clothes a lot. I would keep changing my clothes over and over until the feeling went away. Today I still struggle with that.

yesterday morning I got ready for session and as I was heading out the door I got this intense feeling come over me that I needed to change, and I began to not feel good about myself. I knew in that moment this was going to be a hard morning for me.

I went upstairs and changed my clothes and nothing was feeling right! Time was drawing close and I needed to head to my session in order to make it there on time and I knew in that moment there was nothing I could do to change the feeling I was going through.

As I drove to my session the feeling got worse! I began to figit and couldn’t sit still in this disconnection. I was frustrated that I was feeling this way, but at the same time I knew that my therapist is aware of what this means when I go through moments like this, but it didn’t change the fact that I just wanted to go home and be alone in this.

But I didn’t… I showed up to session just as I was. That is the difference between the past and the now – letting someone see me in this moment so that I am not alone in it.

When I feel this way I don’t like to be touched, especially on the back of the arms. I hold my arms close to my body when I am feeling this way and its a challenge to let that go. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but when it does, its hard to move out of this.

I showed up to session and shared with him right a way what I was going through, and the first thing he wanted to do to change that was to CONNECT. He asked me to take his hand and BREAK that old message of “when I am feeling this way, I am UN-touchable”.

He wanted to reverse those old messages and create a connection even if it didn’t feel good. Sometimes you have to fake it to move through it.

I know that these moments when this happens are old messages from the past, but I don’t know why it shows up today the way it does. I am still working hard to take those moments of disconnection and self yuck and turn it into “I am worthy and I am touchable and I am connected”.

Still to this day I will go through moments when I change my clothes up to 10 times if need be … and its frustrating.

I will still go through moments of not wanting to be touched on the back of the arms, or looked at, or for anyone to touch me anywhere… but what I do notice is, because I know what it means and where it comes from, I can move through it faster than I used to.

This comes from the past and being abused. When I was abused I would change my clothes a lot because I felt a sense of YUCK after the abuse happened and that feeling has stuck with me my whole life.

These are the things from the past that never truly go away no matter how much healing is done…. but what I do know is, its not so much about making something go away, its more about how to handle these things when it happens. How do I create a connection right in the middle of yuck and disconnection? That is where the healing is!

The healing is not about making something go AWAY, because honestly, it never truly goes away! its about how to manage these moments when they do happen. Its about understanding where it comes from, and to remind myself that “I am not in the abuse any longer” and to allow myself connection in the disconnection that I am feeling.

My therapist always reminds me “you are not what you feel”  and that is what healing is about.. not making it go away, but seeing it differently so that i can move through these moments without disconnecting.

As I sit here this morning I am feeling a lot more connected than I was yesterday and I hope that by talking about it, letting someone be with me in that moment and writing about it, gives me the power over it, instead of it having power over me.

Each time this happens, I will remember how I moved through it the time before – and that is healing!

It never truly goes away, and I think that for anyone who is healing through their past, if you just realize that healing is not about making something go away, that its about making that moment manageable – I think THAT is when true healing happens.

Continue Reading

the love that surrounds me

SurroundedbyLovegoddesssmallcopyrigI dont even have words to describe the awe and gratitude I have for those who surround me and those who are a part of my life today.

I have had a very tough 3 days emotionally. I didn’t know why, or even how I was going to move out of it (as I have never ever felt anything like this before in my life).

I have had hard times before, and I have felt depressed on and off like situational depression to certain situations, but it was nothing like these past 3-4 days have been – this was hard stuff.

Tonight as I sit here, I feel warm and loved. I feel relieved that my therapist and I sat with this hardness today and came to an understanding of where it came from.

I sit here tonight and I am blessed that all day today I got texts and facebook messages from those close to me asking me how I was, and giving me hugs, prayers and good wishes – ALL of which were answered for me.

For the past 72 hours – since last Friday night I started to become VERY depressed. Tears and sobs found me to a point it was almost uncontrollable, and I didn’t understand it.

Each day it progressively got worse, and today in therapy session with my therapist was the worst; even to the point of my therapist having tears because he felt so badly that I was feeling so sad and withdrawn – and then it hit us both why.

I feel better tonight because I understand where it came from, and I was surrounded by LOVE, CARE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, understanding! I am blessed and dont even have the words to express how better I feel understanding the depth of where this came from.

I started to write my book last week and sent my editor 2 chapters of the book. One was called “The Closet” the other was called “Motherless” and Friday night I sent “The Closet” and Saturday night I sent “Motherless”. They were heart wrenching to write, but never did I think it would hit me so hard inside to the point of feeling every bit of those emotions like I have never felt them before.

I have talked about the abuse in my life before, but right now it feels so different because I am at a new level of my healing. I am feeling with no walls and no covers. I am here, I am healing, and I am also FEELING every bit of it. Which is SO new for me.

Almost like needing training wheels for emotions, I dont know how to be with emotions this big.

Today in session my therapist and I sat together and he held my hand, and then gave me a hug as I cried and cried and we figured out where the depth of this was coming from – it was coming from the chapters of the book that I NEVER EVER allowed myself to feel before with no walls.

Writing those chapters hit something deep inside of me that I never wanted to truly see with my eyes as wide open as they are now. I talk about “healing” a lot, but rarely do I write about the abuse, and when I wrote those chapters, it set off something inside and my therapist told me that all those very HARD RAW emotions that were sitting way deep inside came out and it hit me.

I have spent a lifetime hiding my emotions behind walls and only letting little bits and pieces out, but these emotions came ROARING to the forefront and I felt every bit of it. I dont know what it’s like to feel TRUE pain of emotions because I spent my whole life putting pieces of them behind walls.

I have now felt them to it’s fullest.

I think I cried more in the past 3 days than I have my whole life and that is no lie – to the point it made my therapist have tears and I found myself hugging HIM – it was THAT hard.

My therapist helped me to see that sometimes when we really touch something that we have kept inside for so long that we finally allow ourselves to feel, it hurts and it hurts so badly. It’s like DETOXING emotions – snot, tears, water, pain, GUNK, EVERYTHING deep inside coming out from inside – almost like a virus that needs to find it’s way out.

I was grieving and that is what happened in the past 3 -4 days. I was grieving for the parts of my story I was writing and it hurt.

I read a quote and it reads ” When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it’s healed

I am not ready to write the book yet – there are wounds that still need healing before I can face this book head on. It’s not healthy to re-traumatize myself writing this book, this book is supposed to be written from the empowerment – not re-traumatized pain.

I have wounds still open and healing and I need to work more with this. I spent so much time writing and talking about healing that I dont spend time talking about the pain without walls.

My therapist and I both took a deep breath in relief over the phone a little while ago after a hard hard session. I am so blessed for him, he is such a wonderful therapist and I am so glad he was by my side every bit of the way this week.

I am so blessed for my husband who truly helped me and was there for me, and all the people who I shared this with.

I am putting the book aside until I can work with the wounds that are here. My editor is more than willing to wait as long as he has to, he wants to see this book take it’s stand. INSTEAD I am turning my blog into a memori book to be sold as a part of the journey to healing and I will share that with you in time as I plan it out more.

My therapist and I have decided to work more with what is going on deep inside; to work with the emotions that are now out from behind the wall, this is important and its a crucial part of my healing – this is where the GOOD healing happens.

I will know when I am ready – one step at a time. IT WILL Happen, it will just take a little more time than I hoped for.

I am relieved tonight to know what happened and how much love and support surrounded me around this. GOD is so good to me to put wonderful people in my life when I need them most.

The healing journey continues . . . . . and so doesn’t my writing

Continue Reading