lifted and restored…

I woke up this morning and felt like I could breathe a little easier.

I felt a sense of goodness like I am in the right place, and that what happened yesterday in “being with my emotions” was what needed to happen.

I always talk to my therapist about “waiting for the day to be done this journey in healing”. Waiting for the day that I come in maybe once a month to check in, or waiting for the day that I am on my own path knowing that I am fully healed and I am fully ”restored”.

There have been times that I would sit there and say “by the end of the year I want to be done therapy, I want my own path, I want to be healed and move onto the next chapter in my life, no matter where life takes me.

Yesterday, I actually listened within, and listened to my therapist when he said “we need to slow down and honor what is here”.

I always want to keep going, and keep running to the next thing to get closer to my own path no matter how hard the works is. I am always thinking about the next step, even though the first is not finished. I get excited when I can move through things no matter how hard or how heart wrenching.

I want more than anything to be done this part of my journey. This is hard hard work. It’s not easy showing up and doing all the healing work that I do. It can be painful, it can be frustrating, and it can be confusing at times. However I know deep within that this is where I need to be, that I am at the right place, and I cannot rush the process.

I cannot rush the healing. You can’t pick the scab of a wound and expect it to heal quicker, and I am trying to see that and honor that – but when you have a day like yesterday, both honoring and hard, you wonder how you will have the energy to show up and work hard again.

I woke up this morning feeling lifted, but a little anticipated and anxious about what the day will bring.

One of the best things about this healing journey I have been on is being able to tell my therapist when I don’t want to work. I remember a while back ago, I came into session and said, “I don’t want to work today” and he said “OK let’s not work, let’s just talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, anything that makes you happy, your thoughts or about your boys, or about your church, or talk about God or the bible, – its’ your place in this journey, whatever feels good for you and I want to hear about it“.

I sometimes found that those moments are the most healing. I never had choices in my life before. I always did what everyone else told me to do. I never had moments where people cared about what I wanted, or wanted to hear anything that I wanted to talk about. In the work that I do in therapy, I can show up and say “I don’t want to work”, and it will be honored.

It’s very rare and in between that I feel that way, because I always want to get to the next chapter of healing, and looking to find another foothold, but I know that I cannot rush this healing process as much as I want to sometimes. I have to sit and observe what I have been through before moving on. I need to reflect and honor, and breathe in the moment that I had yesterday.

I feel lifted and restored today. I feel I have more energy to move forward, but not today. Today when I show up, it will be another day I say “I don’t feeling like working, let’s talk”.

I want to bask in the fact that I actually had a moment yesterday where emotions did not bring me fear, and that is a lot to honor. I need to sit with that for a while and talk about how GOOD it made me feel instead of running to the next wound.

All those years of holding the abuse is not going to go away in 5 years. I may want to be on my own path right now and be healed, but I know my time is coming. I can feel it, I can see the light to my path, and I can see my own path being laid out for me. I just need to take my time getting there by honoring what I am restoring.

Today I feel lifted and restored, and that is good enough for today. It’s another part of the healing at a slower pace, and I am going to honor that.

So – later today I show up, and I will say “I don’t want to do the work” and today I will talk about whatever it is I want to talk about, and that too shall be healing.

 

Continue Reading

gathering strength to move forward

This morning, when I woke up to get ready for church, I had a text on my phone from my support, and one of the things said, was:

I wanted to take a moment to remind you that in a place of taking a break from the flow of powerful, you are gathering more strength to move forward

I sat with that for a few moments and wow! That was pretty powerful words, and I have to admit, came at a perfect time.

Last night I had an emotional conversation with my sister on the phone about the past. We really touched some hard moments. It was a sister moment that left some really intense emotional feelings – for the both of us.

When I woke up this morning, I felt this heaviness – until I saw the text. It reminded me that this weekend was about “honoring how I feel, and being with those feelings; not trying to work against it.

I was also reminded that I don’t always have to be so strong all the time, and that sometimes we just need to rest in the weakness – to gain strength.

I have to admit, I really had no idea how I was going to do that. I don’t know how to “be” and let it be “OK” that I am not feeling so strong. I didn’t know how to rest in the weakness – until this morning.

I went to church, and for the first time ever during Mass, I wanted to get up and leave. I wanted to up and leave the Mass because I felt emotions and anxiety coming on around the conversation that I had last night with my sister. In that moment, I remembered the text from earlier that morning with the words “gathering more strength to move forward”.

I remembered our conversation Friday afternoon about “resting in the weakness” “rest in knowing it’s OK however you feel”. “It’s OK to not feel strong”.

If I had left the mass, I would have reverted to my old ways. I would have gone to be alone, isolated maybe, but I chose to stay, and stay connected. I chose to be and not work against it. I let myself sit there and just feel, instead of using all my strength to figure it out and make it better.

When I left Church, I felt a sense of relief. I felt relieved that I didn’t give into the old messages to run, isolate, be alone, or fight against the feelings. I stayed and heard the liturgy of the word. I stood and sang, and I took the Eucharist and prayed to God for his support and strength.

I went home, relaxed, did some writing, and I even allowed myself to be pampered a little; even though the emotions were still sitting there.

Today I was resting in the weakness, and I have to say it felt good to not fight against it. It felt good to not “figure it out” and allow myself to be in the moment.

I later on sent an email thanking him for the powerful and supportive words, and explained about my “not so good” morning, and I was told “it’s OK, your loved, supported and connected by all”.

Tonight, I am sitting here on my bed, laptop on my lap, candles lit, the house is quiet, I’m having a piece of pizza, with the windows open, enjoying the cool breeze, AND I am feeling sad tonight – and it’s OK.

I know inside that I am connected, and I am resting in the weakness, gathering strength to move forward in my healing.

I am right where I need to be.

 

Continue Reading

“let go of the past”- not so fast!

“The past is the past, let it go, what happened happened”. Ever hear those words from someone and you just cringe in anger?

I have heard this many times, and the sad part? I heard it from people who I was once close to; people who didn’t understand what it meant to heal from something that happened in the past.

I have heard this from people who try to use “just hand it all over to God”. I have heard these words from people who either have never been through trauma in their life, or they have, but they are still in denial that healing the past is what makes for a richer future.

What would of happened if I never walked into therapy years ago? I would still be the same person who could not look in the mirror when working out. I would still be the same person who would let people walk all over me because I didn’t learn that I had a voice that was worth hearing.

I would still be the person who holds in emotions and swallows them. I would still be the same person who would run away in hiding at social events in fear someone will try and hug me.

I would still be the same person stuck in 2 O’clock not understanding why it is I go through it everyday. I would still be the same person who isolated everyday instead of reaching out to others.

I am a firm believer that we need to heal the past, to be in the now. YES the past is the past, but when you have been through trauma as a child, you have lost any fundamentals that a child needs to build who they are supposed to be today. You get lost in that world of fake belief, lies and fear.

A child is supposed to learn love, learn a caring touch, learn about support and comfort. A child is supposed to learn what affirming words are, and what it means to be praised, or be given a “healthy” scold for when something is done wrong. A child needs love and affection and assurance and safety.

If I walked around saying “the past is the past”.. I would be still living in the past. I am where I am today because I decided to stand up and take action against those who hurt me. I have stood up to say “I am ready to learn what it’s like to be healthy”.

I have lost a few friends since my journey to healing years ago. That sounds harsh doesn’t it? its reality and it’s true. Some people don’t understand why I would go back to something so painful – yet I have learned it’s the most courageous thing a person can do.

I have had friends who said that therapy is a waste of time, that I should hand it all over to God. Sounds like a COP OUT to me. handing it all over to God is great, to a point. I truly believe that God gives us the tools to get through tough times, it’s up to us to use them.

My answer to that person –  “I did hand it over to God, and look where I am today”.

I am not ashamed to say that I am in therapy – I would be ashamed to say that I wasn’t. I am not ashamed that I work 4 days a week in this healing; working through the hard reality of my past. Today I would be more ashamed if I was sitting IN it, and letting the past and the people of my past win.

Working through the past doesn’t take away from the now, or the future – it enhances it. I am learning so much about life that I was sheltered from for years.

I dont regret the path I took one bit, in fact I am proud of this journey. The friends that walked away? Im sorry but I am not living for anyone else. I did that my whole life – living for others, and I am not going down that road again.

There is a quote that I read a while back ago that I love

It is through healing our inner child, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are

So the next time someone says “the past is the past” no matter what it is you are healing from.. just keep in mind that, the past is the past, and it’s a crucial part of who you are today.

I have wonderful friends and support today that i am truly blessed for, and I have never been in the RIGHT place as I am today – healing and working through the past.

 

Continue Reading