lifted and restored…

I woke up this morning and felt like I could breathe a little easier.

I felt a sense of goodness like I am in the right place, and that what happened yesterday in “being with my emotions” was what needed to happen.

I always talk to my therapist about “waiting for the day to be done this journey in healing”. Waiting for the day that I come in maybe once a month to check in, or waiting for the day that I am on my own path knowing that I am fully healed and I am fully ”restored”.

There have been times that I would sit there and say “by the end of the year I want to be done therapy, I want my own path, I want to be healed and move onto the next chapter in my life, no matter where life takes me.

Yesterday, I actually listened within, and listened to my therapist when he said “we need to slow down and honor what is here”.

I always want to keep going, and keep running to the next thing to get closer to my own path no matter how hard the works is. I am always thinking about the next step, even though the first is not finished. I get excited when I can move through things no matter how hard or how heart wrenching.

I want more than anything to be done this part of my journey. This is hard hard work. It’s not easy showing up and doing all the healing work that I do. It can be painful, it can be frustrating, and it can be confusing at times. However I know deep within that this is where I need to be, that I am at the right place, and I cannot rush the process.

I cannot rush the healing. You can’t pick the scab of a wound and expect it to heal quicker, and I am trying to see that and honor that – but when you have a day like yesterday, both honoring and hard, you wonder how you will have the energy to show up and work hard again.

I woke up this morning feeling lifted, but a little anticipated and anxious about what the day will bring.

One of the best things about this healing journey I have been on is being able to tell my therapist when I don’t want to work. I remember a while back ago, I came into session and said, “I don’t want to work today” and he said “OK let’s not work, let’s just talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, anything that makes you happy, your thoughts or about your boys, or about your church, or talk about God or the bible, – its’ your place in this journey, whatever feels good for you and I want to hear about it“.

I sometimes found that those moments are the most healing. I never had choices in my life before. I always did what everyone else told me to do. I never had moments where people cared about what I wanted, or wanted to hear anything that I wanted to talk about. In the work that I do in therapy, I can show up and say “I don’t want to work”, and it will be honored.

It’s very rare and in between that I feel that way, because I always want to get to the next chapter of healing, and looking to find another foothold, but I know that I cannot rush this healing process as much as I want to sometimes. I have to sit and observe what I have been through before moving on. I need to reflect and honor, and breathe in the moment that I had yesterday.

I feel lifted and restored today. I feel I have more energy to move forward, but not today. Today when I show up, it will be another day I say “I don’t feeling like working, let’s talk”.

I want to bask in the fact that I actually had a moment yesterday where emotions did not bring me fear, and that is a lot to honor. I need to sit with that for a while and talk about how GOOD it made me feel instead of running to the next wound.

All those years of holding the abuse is not going to go away in 5 years. I may want to be on my own path right now and be healed, but I know my time is coming. I can feel it, I can see the light to my path, and I can see my own path being laid out for me. I just need to take my time getting there by honoring what I am restoring.

Today I feel lifted and restored, and that is good enough for today. It’s another part of the healing at a slower pace, and I am going to honor that.

So – later today I show up, and I will say “I don’t want to do the work” and today I will talk about whatever it is I want to talk about, and that too shall be healing.

 

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“a child of God”

 Have you ever heard a song that just touched you so much, that it helped you in times of weakness?

I have one of those songs that I listen to when I need strength, and to be reminded of where I am, and what I am moving towards in this healing.

That special song for me is sang by a “local” singer in Woodstock, Anna Kay Toms. She used to sing at “The Serene Bean” at open mic night a while back ago before that place closed up.

(I posted a link to this song at the bottom for you to hear)

This song changed me in so many ways, and even today I find myself putting the song in, and just basking in it’s goodness. This song no matter what I am feeling, just has a way to make me smile and know that I am OK.

4 years ago I walked into “The Serene Bean” in Woodstock, and the place was packed! I was one year into my therapy, and I was having a rough night that night. I was going through some emotional stages that were new for me, and I remember that night going to the Serene Bean – never did I think that I would walk out feeling lifted and filled with hope.

Anna Kay Toms was playing “open mic night” and I found myself just sitting in the corner chair drinking a coffee. I heard this amazing voice and sang this song called “Child of God”, and when I heard that song, I had tears fill my eyes up, and my heart was racing!

Every word had a meaning to me. Every bit of that song was about healing, and a journey to heal. It was about getting through a tough time, and knowing that no matter what tough time you are going through, you will always be a “child of God”.

They gave away free Cd’s that night to those who went and heard her sing. I grabbed a CD and got in the car. I put the CD in right away, and I fell in love with every song.

She was only a local singer, but she made a CD from a studio she rented. She does the piano as well when she sings. I must have worn out that CD, because I listened to the it over and over and over.

Something about that one song “Child of God” just tugged at me, and now even to this day, that song helps me through harder emotional days; where I need to be reminded who I am, and where I am going in this journey.

I was given the OK to make copies of the CD, and I gave them to a lot of my friends. I even gave this one song to my Therapist to hear, and he was all over it – he loved it and what it meant – it was that BEAUTIFUL. It was all about the beliefs I have in my journey to heal.

Believe it or not, I later became good friends with Anna Kay Toms. I would always go and see her sing at the “BEAN” before it closed down.

If you are going through a tough time, or having a hard time finding yourself in your journey, or losing some hope – no matter what it is – listen to this song and just soak it in.

It brings tears to my eyes every time.. it means a lot to me in this journey I am on, and the words touch my heart!

This afternoon I put this song on in my car, and I listened to it 2-3 times on my way to my therapy session.

When I walked into session, I felt whole again – I felt I was recharged and knew the path was clear for me again after having a hard weekend – I felt “connected”. I mentioned that I was listening to “child of God” and he knew right away, that when I listen to that song, I need goodness and a recharge.

It’s a beautiful song, and I hope it does for you; what it did for me.

CLICK ON LINK BELOW

Child of God

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“let go of the past”- not so fast!

“The past is the past, let it go, what happened happened”. Ever hear those words from someone and you just cringe in anger?

I have heard this many times, and the sad part? I heard it from people who I was once close to; people who didn’t understand what it meant to heal from something that happened in the past.

I have heard this from people who try to use “just hand it all over to God”. I have heard these words from people who either have never been through trauma in their life, or they have, but they are still in denial that healing the past is what makes for a richer future.

What would of happened if I never walked into therapy years ago? I would still be the same person who could not look in the mirror when working out. I would still be the same person who would let people walk all over me because I didn’t learn that I had a voice that was worth hearing.

I would still be the person who holds in emotions and swallows them. I would still be the same person who would run away in hiding at social events in fear someone will try and hug me.

I would still be the same person stuck in 2 O’clock not understanding why it is I go through it everyday. I would still be the same person who isolated everyday instead of reaching out to others.

I am a firm believer that we need to heal the past, to be in the now. YES the past is the past, but when you have been through trauma as a child, you have lost any fundamentals that a child needs to build who they are supposed to be today. You get lost in that world of fake belief, lies and fear.

A child is supposed to learn love, learn a caring touch, learn about support and comfort. A child is supposed to learn what affirming words are, and what it means to be praised, or be given a “healthy” scold for when something is done wrong. A child needs love and affection and assurance and safety.

If I walked around saying “the past is the past”.. I would be still living in the past. I am where I am today because I decided to stand up and take action against those who hurt me. I have stood up to say “I am ready to learn what it’s like to be healthy”.

I have lost a few friends since my journey to healing years ago. That sounds harsh doesn’t it? its reality and it’s true. Some people don’t understand why I would go back to something so painful – yet I have learned it’s the most courageous thing a person can do.

I have had friends who said that therapy is a waste of time, that I should hand it all over to God. Sounds like a COP OUT to me. handing it all over to God is great, to a point. I truly believe that God gives us the tools to get through tough times, it’s up to us to use them.

My answer to that person –  “I did hand it over to God, and look where I am today”.

I am not ashamed to say that I am in therapy – I would be ashamed to say that I wasn’t. I am not ashamed that I work 4 days a week in this healing; working through the hard reality of my past. Today I would be more ashamed if I was sitting IN it, and letting the past and the people of my past win.

Working through the past doesn’t take away from the now, or the future – it enhances it. I am learning so much about life that I was sheltered from for years.

I dont regret the path I took one bit, in fact I am proud of this journey. The friends that walked away? Im sorry but I am not living for anyone else. I did that my whole life – living for others, and I am not going down that road again.

There is a quote that I read a while back ago that I love

It is through healing our inner child, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are

So the next time someone says “the past is the past” no matter what it is you are healing from.. just keep in mind that, the past is the past, and it’s a crucial part of who you are today.

I have wonderful friends and support today that i am truly blessed for, and I have never been in the RIGHT place as I am today – healing and working through the past.

 

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