patiently waiting . . .

One of the things that I have learned most in this journey of healing is that, “patience” is almost always the key to getting through the tougher moments.

This past week or so, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had moments of strength and weakness, strength in the weakeness, weakness in the strength, and sitting while still moving.

It certainly has been some of the toughest and challenging moments that I have had in a long time; with this past weekend being one of the toughest.

Last night I went through one of the hardest 2 O’clock’s that I have had in months! It was so hard that I felt so disconnected and beside myself. Even my husband saw how hard it was for me last night; he knew it was a bad one.

It’s been so long that 2 O’Clock has been that hard; that I almost forgot how to get through it. I kept saying to myself – “patience, it will pass”.

This morning on my way to church, tears found me again when I had thoughts of my mom and what I am going through right now in my healing, and I kept thinking to myself “patience, it will pass”.

While I was sitting in Mass at church, tears found me again during the mass, almost to the point of wanting to run out of the church because I felt it getting worse and worse trying to hide the tears from those sitting next to me, but I said in a silent prayer – “patience, it will pass”.

I allowed my tears to be seen in front of God and not run during the time we kneel after receiving the Eucharist. I don’t even have to say any words, God knows what I am feeling inside; he hears my silent prayers, and I hear “patience, it will pass”.

When I got home from church, I got into the most comfortable pair of jeans, a long button up white flowey type shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, washed my face, bare feet, allowing myself to be as comfortable as I can, and I started to clean and organize.

While cleaning, I started to organize my thoughts inside as well. I allowed myself to think deeply about what has been going on the past 2 weeks, and what made 2 O’Clock so hard last night.

I also thought about what it is I wanted to write in my blog tonight, what would be helpful for me to lift me up in this hard weekend I was having, what could I open up, and heal with truth?

In between cleaning and organizing, I would lie on the bed and do some things on the laptop that I had to do. I then would get up and start organizing again, and pitter patter around the house.

In the moment that I least expected it, goodness found me, and it all started coming at once; one thing after another.

I was taking a break and I saw a Facebook message pop up from someone with such nice words of gratitude that really made my heart fill up with happiness. I found out that I helped someone through my blog that I didn’t even realize I helped! I had tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness!

I then got a text from my therapist reminding me of connection, asking me how I was doing, and reminding me of where I am in this part of the journey, and that no matter what, I will find my way through the hard and accept the good that comes from it – just what I needed to hear, a great connection!

After reading that text and replying, I started to organize the house again thinking about the goodness that connection brought me.

I then got a phone call from my sister, she also was connecting to ask how I was doing, “So how are you doing?”. We had a nice talk about mom, and then she wanted to remind me that she loved me, I love hearing my sisters voice when I need it.

Right after getting off the phone with my sister, I get a text from my husband as he was out and about today taking care of some errands while I was at home. He texted me of some good news that I was hoping for; something that really helps me in something that I need to do – what a blessing that was!!

A little time after that, Nathan came into my room, and gave me a hug and said “I love you mom” which made me smile ear to ear, he actually asked me – “how is your day mom?”

I had this feeling come over me of goodness. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap, hearing the dryer finish the clothes sounded comforting. The ceiling fan providing me some cool air and it felt like I could breathe!

Everything around me started to feel lighter; my chest finally was lifted of whatever it was I was holding for the past couple of days.

I took a pause, and I smiled! God heard me today. It may not have been when I asked for this goodness a week ago, it may not been in the tears I had on my way to church this morning. It wasn’t last night through the VERY hard 2 O’Clock that I suffered through – it was when I least expected it in the “patiently waiting”.

There have been times in the past when I have prayed out of desperateness when going through these tougher moments. I would beg and plea; sometimes even making bargains with God. However, I know deep inside that a lot of the times, just patiently waiting and going through the hard; goodness finds me when I least expect it.

Tonight, as I sit here, I finally feel my patience has gained me a little bit of goodness.

The goodness found me, one after the other. I kept smiling thinking “this is it, this is what I patiently waited for, just a little breathing room, just a little feeling of goodness and connection is what I was looking for”.

it doesn’t have to be huge movement. It doesn’t have to be alot. Sometimes, just a little bit of goodness, can fill you up with hope, and today this little bit of goodness gave me the hope I was looking for.

No matter what I face this week, I think I am ready! I smile in these moments of goodness that show up when you least expect it, because I know that is when God lets me rest.

 

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handing it over to be held…

For years in therapy my therapist has always said to me before leaving sessions “just leave everything you’re holding here with me, I will hold onto it. You just go and be!

Ok what? What does that even mean?

Sometimes I would get so frustrated thinking, “yes that is easier said than done if you’re not holding what I am holding”.

Friday before leaving my session, I went over to my therapist with a hug and said “ok, here we go, I am leaving some of it with you”; I just want a peaceful weekend filled with goodness! I want to BE, I want to feel peace inside! I want to be free! I want to have a weekend filled with grace, filled with goodness”. I handed it over through the hug – literally!

I said all of this with excitement, and at one point had tears in my eyes because I wanted it that much! I wanted to know what it was like to let someone else “hold” something for me, so I could go be. I wanted to understand it and experience that.

On the heels of a great session Friday in the “celebration and accomplishment”, I wanted to leave something there.

Needless to say, he was shocked and excited; He has been trying to get me to leave a little that I hold inside for years now!

I never knew what that meant. I never was able to understand how to let someone else hold something for me, and leave whatever I hold deep inside with someone else.

I never knew what it meant to let God hold some of it for me. My thought inside was always (God has enough to hold), again not giving myself any worth.

Sometimes I would write things down on paper, fold them up and put them in my “hope box” on the desk. I made that box to put things inside of it to remind me of where I am, and where I want to be, so when I look at it later, it’s there to show me what I once wanted or thought of.

I even have one at home, to hold little things I think about on a whim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I sat up in bed, I looked around, and I almost didn’t want to disappoint the plan of letting myself just be. I got out of bed slowly, trying not to wake the hardness, or the emotions I hold inside, or even 2 O’clock. I almost was scared because for once I wanted to get it right!

I stood there in my room, getting ready for my day, and took deep breaths to not allow anything to come into my space unless it was grace, peace, connection, or goodness.

I even wrote something for a creative writing course yesterday morning, and was challenged, because I didn’t want that to create anything inside that would bring me back into those emotions that sometimes stir up when I write something.

Last night I got a wonderful email that reminded me – “Go and be. Live and love. Rest, work, play or write, connect, reach out when you want to. This is your weekend; I am holding everything for you”.

Honestly? I didn’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to BE. I know how to work hard, I know how to figure out, I know how to work around; come up with ways to move through this healing journey I am on – but to be by letting someone else hold it?

I have tried time and time again to give myself that peace and goodness over the weekends when I don’t have any obligations to fulfill. I have tried giving myself that must needed rest in my soul – sometimes successful, sometimes not – but never have I handed it over to someone to hold before.

I decided this weekend that I was going to say NO if I didn’t want to do something, and YES if I truly wanted something.

Yesterday, everyone in the house was gone, so I went shopping for a little while, I wrote some emails, wrote a few poems that I thought of, I went for a drive with the windows down and listened to my favorite band “Fleetwood mac”. I spent some time reading the bible, and some passages that give me grace and fulfillment. I spent some time talking to my sister on the phone, just wanting to hear her voice.

I think I am actually getting the idea of letting someone else hold it for me… and let me be free from it, even if for one day.

A Lot of the times I almost would get frustrated with my therapist when I was told to leave everything with him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you take your pain and emotions and leave it with someone, or leave it in the room? – I think I get it now.

Today, I am sitting here in my writing room, I just got home from church, and I am filled with God’s love and grace. I spent time with people I love at church; my heart is filled with some love to help give me strength to go forward.

I won’t lie; 2 O’clock is lingering close today, and it did come yesterday – It’s my life and what I go through every day waiting to pounce on me and make me feel things I don’t want to feel – but at least I am letting it be held by someone else, even for just a little while.

During mass today, I looked up at the cross and actually said “God you know my heart, you know the hard work I am doing, if anything, at least hold it for me today, so I can have strength going forward”. – I have never asked God of that before, thinking he was too busy for me.

So, tomorrow I pick it back up, I heal and move forward in my path and journey – I open my timeline – I open my heart and my strength again – but for now, I am with grace and peace, and I feel content and connected.

In this very moment, even if it changes, I can feel the breeze outside coming through my window, and for now that feels good and peaceful.


If your holding something, and you just want to be free from it, try writing something on a piece of paper, fold it up small so it’s contained, and put it in a little box. Let the box hold it even if it’s just for a little while. Free yourself from that one thing you dont want to hold, and when you need to, pick it up again and work with it knowing you have more strength to hold it and work with it.

 

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grace and mercy – song

This Sunday morning, I am doing something different by posting a 2nd blog today! This 2nd blog is a song, a beautiful song of “grace and mercy”.

I am going to post another song by  “Anna Kay Toms”. This is another song that means alot to me that she sang quite often.

When I hear this song, it reminds me of “healing from something so deep”. This song is about walking through trials of life, and washing away the feelings of shame from your life that you hold. It’s absolutley beautiful and healing.

This song is short, but if you truly listen to it deeply, you will get it. Whatever you are going through in your life, when you hear this song, you will truly feel the power of it.

Honestly? I am not a fan of Christian music.. never have been (nothing personal I just dont care for Chistian type music) – but Anna Kay Toms just gives a whole new meaning to GRACE and MERCY! it’s moving and powerful, and has truly opened my heart to my healing.

This song is perfect for “lenten” season – a time of sacrafice and grace.

The photo above is a photo of me and Anna Kay Toms about 4 years ago. I found this photo a couple of days ago so that you could put a face to her beautiful voice! She is a remarkable person who has a voice that just floors you! She has been truly gifted in life to sing through her music to truly put grace.

Take a listen to this song, and truly let it go to a place in your heart.. and I hope that it really opens your heart as it did mine.

if you would like a copy of Anna’s CD, email me and let me know, I would love to share it with you! (she gave me the OK)

click on the link below

GRACE AND MERCY

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the sunspots . .

I have had this story in drafts for months! I have waited for the perfect time to share this part of my story. Tonight it feels right – tonight I post another part of my story.

Tonight it feels right on the heels of writing something so hard last night – to now write about something so graceful.

There are only 3 people in my life who know about the “sunspots” story from my childhood, and what that means to me even today as an adult.

The only 3 people who truly hold this close to their heart as a part of my story, is my therapist, my dear friend Tracy, and GOD. I have never opened up about this before.

It was so sacred to me, that I never shared it with my own kids, or my husband. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand the depths of what this meant to me as a child, and how it saved my life.

This is where I “met God”.

I think the reason I have never really shared the full story about this, is because it was the only thing in my life that brought me relief from the pain I was in. I shared a little but about it in small bits before – but never the full story!

I felt if I told anyone the whole story about the sunspots, it would take away the glory of it – that it would disappear.

When I came across this photo of the little girl lying in the sunspots, I lost my breath entirely for a moment! It took my breath away because it reminded me of the only thing in my childhood that was painless, and filled with God’s love. It took my breath away because it looked just like me as a child, and this is exactly what I did – I raised my hands up to feel the warmth of God’s love!

When I was as early as 5 years old, I would sneak downstairs to the living room while everyone was sleeping, and I would find the sunspots on the floor, or in the chair. I would go crawl into them, and feel the warmth of the sun. I would lay there and sometimes sleep, but a lot of the times I would lay there and pray. It felt like a hug, a warm hug, and filled with joy and happiness.

I felt this sense of peace and comfort, and I felt that is where God met me. No matter what pain I endured, I always knew I could meet God in the sunspots. The funny part in this? when it was cloudy, I would say “God is busy today helping someone else out”. I always knew the sun would come back.

I did this throughout my life – as a teen – even as a young adult and I will open and honestly say even today as an older adult.

If I am going through a hard time, and spot the sun on the floor, I will go lay in it, and I will feel the warmth, and just lay there, think, and pray to God. I sometimes will nap on the floor in that warmth, just to let the hurt and sadness out, and let the goodness and god’s grace in.

It truly makes me feel comfort and I today truly believe that is where God meets us. I always believed that God is in the sun, it’s his love shining on us through warmth and comfort.

There weren’t many places for me to go as a child. I lived in constant fear and anguish and anticipating the daily abuse I endured, or about to endure. I held onto the little things I could find; it’s all I had to survive emotionally.

I truly believed that this was my gift from God when I was little. It was almost as if god was saying to me “I know people are hurting you, but meet me here, and I will bring you joy and comfort.” It was like God saying to me “meet me in the sunspots, I promise I will be there“.

Today I will search for them once in a while, not too often – or I will be doing something around the house, and I will see a sunspot and smile, just smile big knowing that GOD is there, he is always there.

One of my biggest risks was sharing this in therapy; it was the first time I opened up about something so sacred. I took the risk not knowing if it would take away the one thing I held onto. It meant THAT much to me. My therapist absolutley LOVED the story, he wanted to experience it.

We made a session one day around the time that the sun would be shining into his room, and to my surprise he wanted to experience it! So, we pushed the chairs and the table over, and left a big open space near the window, and opened the blinds just a little bit facing downward – and there it was – on the floor, a perfect big sunspot!

We both picked our spot on the floor and just lyed there, and I said “OK? SO? do you feel it?” – He felt it, he was amazed by the feeling of the warmth and the love of God in that moment, it was quiet and peaceful  – he knew at that point why it was so sacred to me. He knew and respected my story so much more, and how that was my survival growing up.

That was a huge part of my healing – letting someone into the space that wasn’t just about the hardship, but was also about the glory and the good that I found in the trauma I went through.

I have to admit, At first I wasn’t sure about sharing it in that room. I hold this close to my heart as being something that was truly mine, but then it felt good to share something and have someone else hold that good part of my past. It was nice to have someone understand where I found my way of living through the abuse.

This was all I had to look forward to as a child – meeting God in prayer with a hug.

Sharing this story brings together another huge part of my story to be told. It’s a way for me to express that even in the really hard times I went through, God gave me strength to meet him and believe. He gave me something to hold onto; to get through the life I was going through.

Today, was one of those days that I saw a sunspot in my house in my office, and I took a moment and just got onto the floor and just laid there on the floor – it reminded me that even if I am not going through a hard time at the moment, that I can still “meet” God anytime I want to. He’s always there.

As I laid there, I smiled! I said quietly “I know it’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten”.

I have tears writing this right now, because I have been so open in my blog in the past month; to help this healing journey I have been on.

I have tears in this moment because I don’t think anyone could possible understand that this is the one and ONLY thing I had as a child, that kept me alive – that kept me going – knowing God was there no matter what.

Imagine how powerful that was to a child, and how powerful that is even today.

I don’t doubt for one moment that God met me there. It gave me strength to get through the abuse, and the hard times. I am truly blessed that I had that.

So if your ever in darkness, and you feel you need to find Gods love and warmth – find a sunspot, lay in it, and “meet him” there.

 

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lifted and restored…

I woke up this morning and felt like I could breathe a little easier.

I felt a sense of goodness like I am in the right place, and that what happened yesterday in “being with my emotions” was what needed to happen.

I always talk to my therapist about “waiting for the day to be done this journey in healing”. Waiting for the day that I come in maybe once a month to check in, or waiting for the day that I am on my own path knowing that I am fully healed and I am fully ”restored”.

There have been times that I would sit there and say “by the end of the year I want to be done therapy, I want my own path, I want to be healed and move onto the next chapter in my life, no matter where life takes me.

Yesterday, I actually listened within, and listened to my therapist when he said “we need to slow down and honor what is here”.

I always want to keep going, and keep running to the next thing to get closer to my own path no matter how hard the works is. I am always thinking about the next step, even though the first is not finished. I get excited when I can move through things no matter how hard or how heart wrenching.

I want more than anything to be done this part of my journey. This is hard hard work. It’s not easy showing up and doing all the healing work that I do. It can be painful, it can be frustrating, and it can be confusing at times. However I know deep within that this is where I need to be, that I am at the right place, and I cannot rush the process.

I cannot rush the healing. You can’t pick the scab of a wound and expect it to heal quicker, and I am trying to see that and honor that – but when you have a day like yesterday, both honoring and hard, you wonder how you will have the energy to show up and work hard again.

I woke up this morning feeling lifted, but a little anticipated and anxious about what the day will bring.

One of the best things about this healing journey I have been on is being able to tell my therapist when I don’t want to work. I remember a while back ago, I came into session and said, “I don’t want to work today” and he said “OK let’s not work, let’s just talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, anything that makes you happy, your thoughts or about your boys, or about your church, or talk about God or the bible, – its’ your place in this journey, whatever feels good for you and I want to hear about it“.

I sometimes found that those moments are the most healing. I never had choices in my life before. I always did what everyone else told me to do. I never had moments where people cared about what I wanted, or wanted to hear anything that I wanted to talk about. In the work that I do in therapy, I can show up and say “I don’t want to work”, and it will be honored.

It’s very rare and in between that I feel that way, because I always want to get to the next chapter of healing, and looking to find another foothold, but I know that I cannot rush this healing process as much as I want to sometimes. I have to sit and observe what I have been through before moving on. I need to reflect and honor, and breathe in the moment that I had yesterday.

I feel lifted and restored today. I feel I have more energy to move forward, but not today. Today when I show up, it will be another day I say “I don’t feeling like working, let’s talk”.

I want to bask in the fact that I actually had a moment yesterday where emotions did not bring me fear, and that is a lot to honor. I need to sit with that for a while and talk about how GOOD it made me feel instead of running to the next wound.

All those years of holding the abuse is not going to go away in 5 years. I may want to be on my own path right now and be healed, but I know my time is coming. I can feel it, I can see the light to my path, and I can see my own path being laid out for me. I just need to take my time getting there by honoring what I am restoring.

Today I feel lifted and restored, and that is good enough for today. It’s another part of the healing at a slower pace, and I am going to honor that.

So – later today I show up, and I will say “I don’t want to do the work” and today I will talk about whatever it is I want to talk about, and that too shall be healing.

 

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“a child of God”

 Have you ever heard a song that just touched you so much, that it helped you in times of weakness?

I have one of those songs that I listen to when I need strength, and to be reminded of where I am, and what I am moving towards in this healing.

That special song for me is sang by a “local” singer in Woodstock, Anna Kay Toms. She used to sing at “The Serene Bean” at open mic night a while back ago before that place closed up.

(I posted a link to this song at the bottom for you to hear)

This song changed me in so many ways, and even today I find myself putting the song in, and just basking in it’s goodness. This song no matter what I am feeling, just has a way to make me smile and know that I am OK.

4 years ago I walked into “The Serene Bean” in Woodstock, and the place was packed! I was one year into my therapy, and I was having a rough night that night. I was going through some emotional stages that were new for me, and I remember that night going to the Serene Bean – never did I think that I would walk out feeling lifted and filled with hope.

Anna Kay Toms was playing “open mic night” and I found myself just sitting in the corner chair drinking a coffee. I heard this amazing voice and sang this song called “Child of God”, and when I heard that song, I had tears fill my eyes up, and my heart was racing!

Every word had a meaning to me. Every bit of that song was about healing, and a journey to heal. It was about getting through a tough time, and knowing that no matter what tough time you are going through, you will always be a “child of God”.

They gave away free Cd’s that night to those who went and heard her sing. I grabbed a CD and got in the car. I put the CD in right away, and I fell in love with every song.

She was only a local singer, but she made a CD from a studio she rented. She does the piano as well when she sings. I must have worn out that CD, because I listened to the it over and over and over.

Something about that one song “Child of God” just tugged at me, and now even to this day, that song helps me through harder emotional days; where I need to be reminded who I am, and where I am going in this journey.

I was given the OK to make copies of the CD, and I gave them to a lot of my friends. I even gave this one song to my Therapist to hear, and he was all over it – he loved it and what it meant – it was that BEAUTIFUL. It was all about the beliefs I have in my journey to heal.

Believe it or not, I later became good friends with Anna Kay Toms. I would always go and see her sing at the “BEAN” before it closed down.

If you are going through a tough time, or having a hard time finding yourself in your journey, or losing some hope – no matter what it is – listen to this song and just soak it in.

It brings tears to my eyes every time.. it means a lot to me in this journey I am on, and the words touch my heart!

This afternoon I put this song on in my car, and I listened to it 2-3 times on my way to my therapy session.

When I walked into session, I felt whole again – I felt I was recharged and knew the path was clear for me again after having a hard weekend – I felt “connected”. I mentioned that I was listening to “child of God” and he knew right away, that when I listen to that song, I need goodness and a recharge.

It’s a beautiful song, and I hope it does for you; what it did for me.

CLICK ON LINK BELOW

Child of God

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“let go of the past”- not so fast!

“The past is the past, let it go, what happened happened”. Ever hear those words from someone and you just cringe in anger?

I have heard this many times, and the sad part? I heard it from people who I was once close to; people who didn’t understand what it meant to heal from something that happened in the past.

I have heard this from people who try to use “just hand it all over to God”. I have heard these words from people who either have never been through trauma in their life, or they have, but they are still in denial that healing the past is what makes for a richer future.

What would of happened if I never walked into therapy years ago? I would still be the same person who could not look in the mirror when working out. I would still be the same person who would let people walk all over me because I didn’t learn that I had a voice that was worth hearing.

I would still be the person who holds in emotions and swallows them. I would still be the same person who would run away in hiding at social events in fear someone will try and hug me.

I would still be the same person stuck in 2 O’clock not understanding why it is I go through it everyday. I would still be the same person who isolated everyday instead of reaching out to others.

I am a firm believer that we need to heal the past, to be in the now. YES the past is the past, but when you have been through trauma as a child, you have lost any fundamentals that a child needs to build who they are supposed to be today. You get lost in that world of fake belief, lies and fear.

A child is supposed to learn love, learn a caring touch, learn about support and comfort. A child is supposed to learn what affirming words are, and what it means to be praised, or be given a “healthy” scold for when something is done wrong. A child needs love and affection and assurance and safety.

If I walked around saying “the past is the past”.. I would be still living in the past. I am where I am today because I decided to stand up and take action against those who hurt me. I have stood up to say “I am ready to learn what it’s like to be healthy”.

I have lost a few friends since my journey to healing years ago. That sounds harsh doesn’t it? its reality and it’s true. Some people don’t understand why I would go back to something so painful – yet I have learned it’s the most courageous thing a person can do.

I have had friends who said that therapy is a waste of time, that I should hand it all over to God. Sounds like a COP OUT to me. handing it all over to God is great, to a point. I truly believe that God gives us the tools to get through tough times, it’s up to us to use them.

My answer to that person –  “I did hand it over to God, and look where I am today”.

I am not ashamed to say that I am in therapy – I would be ashamed to say that I wasn’t. I am not ashamed that I work 4 days a week in this healing; working through the hard reality of my past. Today I would be more ashamed if I was sitting IN it, and letting the past and the people of my past win.

Working through the past doesn’t take away from the now, or the future – it enhances it. I am learning so much about life that I was sheltered from for years.

I dont regret the path I took one bit, in fact I am proud of this journey. The friends that walked away? Im sorry but I am not living for anyone else. I did that my whole life – living for others, and I am not going down that road again.

There is a quote that I read a while back ago that I love

It is through healing our inner child, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are

So the next time someone says “the past is the past” no matter what it is you are healing from.. just keep in mind that, the past is the past, and it’s a crucial part of who you are today.

I have wonderful friends and support today that i am truly blessed for, and I have never been in the RIGHT place as I am today – healing and working through the past.

 

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