finding the familiar

I am the type of person that works around “the familiar” – like routines, the way I do things are the ways that I heal, live, be and move through life.

In my healing, I look for the familiar to get me from one thing to the next. I look for all the things that fill me with strength.

This week has had it’s challenges of finding that familiar, and right when I thought I had it, I was pushed back yet again; leaving me with more work to do – does it ever end? (I say that with great frustration)

It seems that I can never catch a break and just breathe. I find myself trying to find the familiar of what worked before, and I go from there to find my path again.

Right now I am in that cycle of trying to find what works, what I can depend on working, and finding grace and hope through that.

I feel the wind has been knocked out of my sail again, and I am on the sidelines fixing something that I never created to begin with, while everyone else is out there sailing.

So here I am, again, trying to find the familiar of what worked before, so I can move forward. Finding hope, grace, faith, and the little things that make me who I am.

Connection is a huge part of this.. and I am trying to find the connection again as well, but it has been altered in the past week.. so I am trying to find that as well – it’s there, I just have to reach it and take a hold of it.

I do know this much, it will all work out – I trust the process of healing… I have learned this for many years.. I just have to keep in mind “patience it will pass” and “I can talk about anything”.

I have the most amazing support in my life, but even that feels a little distorted right now – but I know I will find the grace in all around me, and it will all come together again on my path that I am walking on and towards – this is just a rough patch in the road, and I trust that God will help repair it as I walk.

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thoughts before bed . . .

One of my favorite things to do before bed is to pick a prayer from the bible and find meaning in it that pertains to my healing, and how I can grow and move through it with more strength.

Tonight, as I snuggled up in bed under the blankets, I picked up the “gather book” that I got from the church.

I read from Psalms which has always been my favorite of all readings in the bible, and what I read tonight was:

PSALMS 16:11 – You will show me the path to life. Fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

My therapist connected with me later this afternoon/evening and we talked about what it would look like tomorrow to tear down the walls in the very moment, connect, and talk with no reservation. What path do I want for me, and how do I go about accepting those around me to make that happen?

I smiled, and it felt like an invitation to another part of my healing. When I cried earlier this morning in session, sometimes my therapist will smile, because he knows this is a part of the growth. This is where “I emerge” out of the sorrow and pain. This is where the path is lied out to me that God is helping me to see.

When I heard my therapist suggest what I open myself up to, I was fearful at first. How do I take down every BIT of wall, and open myself up to anything I want? I may have taken down walls in my healing, but I am not naked by any means.

I have walls that are still built, but they are small and short. They are short enough to walk over, but tall enough to notice they are there. What if I took everything away and allowed myself to open up to a place I have never been; a place where I protect NO ONE?!!

This took my breath away. I thought about it all night, and when I hung up with my therapist I was blessed and joyous! I was fearful, but it was not the fearful that I usually experience, it was an exciting fearful.

I sit here tonight and I read the Psalms reading. It brings so much light to my path. I go to bed tonight with hope, and assurance, and I feel worthy that maybe just maybe I can take it all down and know I am possible for growth in openness.

Sleep finds me tonight – with the grace of God building my path as I sleep, and I am confident it will be strong enough to walk on when I wake.

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“you can talk about anything”

“You can talk about anything”. Those 5 words are the words that my therapist reminds me of almost on a daily basis – through connection and support.

I have come to love those 5 words! I have come to accept those 5 words, I sometimes look forward to those 5 words, and better yet, I have learned to trust those 5 words.

When I hear those 5 words it gives me an opening to freedom I never had.

I was silenced as a child, I never thought I could open up about what was going on inside, or to talk about what was going on with me.

I spent my whole life with the message inside “don’t tell” or “you can’t talk about any of this” – Of course those words “you can talk about anything” were foreign to me.

My therapist would say it over and over, but those words hit a wall and bounced back to him. The wall was so strong that it was hard to believe those words without a fight to get there.

Earlier years in therapy those words “you can talk about anything” were just words with no meaning. I would speak the words of what was inside, but it was an action, not something I felt I could have or own as something that was mine.

One day, about a month ago before leaving session I finally got it, and accepted it! I turned around before leaving and said “I can talk to you about anything right?” I don’t think I ever saw a smile on his face as I did that day. It clicked, I got it, and better yet, wanted it.

Yes 5 years of therapy and you would think I got the message. I would talk, but not without a fight! I would talk about my past, but not without going through this chain of events called “anxiety”, or like we called it “the weight of silence”.

I would talk in therapy, but never thought I deserved to talk. I always felt as if I was doing something “bad” or “wrong” and it was gut wrenching to move through it.

Today, I finally get it! I know I can talk about anything! I know when I walk through those doors, and sit in my space, those 5 words apply – “You can talk about anything”.

I get chills now when I say it. It’s an open invitation to let out whatever it is I am holding. I don’t have to hold onto anything anymore.

I won’t lie, even knowing those 5 words still comes with it consequences and risks, and it’s painful at times, but I know it’s mine and I know I am fully supported in those words.

I know when I sit next to my therapist and open up, no matter how hard, painful, easy, joyful, heart wrenching or funny with laughter – a hand is there, compassion is there, an ear is there, wisdom is there, and hearing the words “ITS OK”.. and “You can talk about anything” is there.

I think back to my childhood and realize how isolated I really was. I held EVERYTHING inside! Everything is a lot for anyone to hold. Hearing those 5 words are the medicine to my soul!

Hearing those 5 words is like a “cup of self-love”. I am giving myself the self-love every time I honor those 5 words.

I have used those 5 words not only in therapy, but also to the people I am surrounded with. I know I can go to my priest or deacon and talk about anything. I know that I have friends who I hold close that I can just text or pick up the phone and say what I need to say. I am more open with my children and even GOD!

Other words that are followed by those words are “we will work it out” and “we will do what we do best, talk about it“.

Even writing those words it’s comforting! I have never had these options in my life before – it feels good and painful at the same time, but it’s always followed by some kind of relief; to not hold all that is inside.

When I need to reach out for connection, I hear and say to myself “you can talk about anything”… and it helps me to reach out when I need to. Sometimes I have to say the words a couple of times to remind myself of what is there for me – connection is there, I am worth it.

Today I needed to hear those words, and I did. I feel connected and I know that no matter how hard of a time I am going through, I have those 5 words. Those words are the key to my self-worth, self-love, and give me a gentle place to land; right into connection.

This is a part of my healing … towards myself, god, and everyone around me in the way that God intended me to be – free from the walls that used to bind me.

 

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patiently waiting . . .

One of the things that I have learned most in this journey of healing is that, “patience” is almost always the key to getting through the tougher moments.

This past week or so, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I have had moments of strength and weakness, strength in the weakeness, weakness in the strength, and sitting while still moving.

It certainly has been some of the toughest and challenging moments that I have had in a long time; with this past weekend being one of the toughest.

Last night I went through one of the hardest 2 O’clock’s that I have had in months! It was so hard that I felt so disconnected and beside myself. Even my husband saw how hard it was for me last night; he knew it was a bad one.

It’s been so long that 2 O’Clock has been that hard; that I almost forgot how to get through it. I kept saying to myself – “patience, it will pass”.

This morning on my way to church, tears found me again when I had thoughts of my mom and what I am going through right now in my healing, and I kept thinking to myself “patience, it will pass”.

While I was sitting in Mass at church, tears found me again during the mass, almost to the point of wanting to run out of the church because I felt it getting worse and worse trying to hide the tears from those sitting next to me, but I said in a silent prayer – “patience, it will pass”.

I allowed my tears to be seen in front of God and not run during the time we kneel after receiving the Eucharist. I don’t even have to say any words, God knows what I am feeling inside; he hears my silent prayers, and I hear “patience, it will pass”.

When I got home from church, I got into the most comfortable pair of jeans, a long button up white flowey type shirt, pulled my hair up into a bun, washed my face, bare feet, allowing myself to be as comfortable as I can, and I started to clean and organize.

While cleaning, I started to organize my thoughts inside as well. I allowed myself to think deeply about what has been going on the past 2 weeks, and what made 2 O’Clock so hard last night.

I also thought about what it is I wanted to write in my blog tonight, what would be helpful for me to lift me up in this hard weekend I was having, what could I open up, and heal with truth?

In between cleaning and organizing, I would lie on the bed and do some things on the laptop that I had to do. I then would get up and start organizing again, and pitter patter around the house.

In the moment that I least expected it, goodness found me, and it all started coming at once; one thing after another.

I was taking a break and I saw a Facebook message pop up from someone with such nice words of gratitude that really made my heart fill up with happiness. I found out that I helped someone through my blog that I didn’t even realize I helped! I had tears of joy, instead of tears of sadness!

I then got a text from my therapist reminding me of connection, asking me how I was doing, and reminding me of where I am in this part of the journey, and that no matter what, I will find my way through the hard and accept the good that comes from it – just what I needed to hear, a great connection!

After reading that text and replying, I started to organize the house again thinking about the goodness that connection brought me.

I then got a phone call from my sister, she also was connecting to ask how I was doing, “So how are you doing?”. We had a nice talk about mom, and then she wanted to remind me that she loved me, I love hearing my sisters voice when I need it.

Right after getting off the phone with my sister, I get a text from my husband as he was out and about today taking care of some errands while I was at home. He texted me of some good news that I was hoping for; something that really helps me in something that I need to do – what a blessing that was!!

A little time after that, Nathan came into my room, and gave me a hug and said “I love you mom” which made me smile ear to ear, he actually asked me – “how is your day mom?”

I had this feeling come over me of goodness. Sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap, hearing the dryer finish the clothes sounded comforting. The ceiling fan providing me some cool air and it felt like I could breathe!

Everything around me started to feel lighter; my chest finally was lifted of whatever it was I was holding for the past couple of days.

I took a pause, and I smiled! God heard me today. It may not have been when I asked for this goodness a week ago, it may not been in the tears I had on my way to church this morning. It wasn’t last night through the VERY hard 2 O’Clock that I suffered through – it was when I least expected it in the “patiently waiting”.

There have been times in the past when I have prayed out of desperateness when going through these tougher moments. I would beg and plea; sometimes even making bargains with God. However, I know deep inside that a lot of the times, just patiently waiting and going through the hard; goodness finds me when I least expect it.

Tonight, as I sit here, I finally feel my patience has gained me a little bit of goodness.

The goodness found me, one after the other. I kept smiling thinking “this is it, this is what I patiently waited for, just a little breathing room, just a little feeling of goodness and connection is what I was looking for”.

it doesn’t have to be huge movement. It doesn’t have to be alot. Sometimes, just a little bit of goodness, can fill you up with hope, and today this little bit of goodness gave me the hope I was looking for.

No matter what I face this week, I think I am ready! I smile in these moments of goodness that show up when you least expect it, because I know that is when God lets me rest.

 

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