Long Road Ahead – “For Me”

When I saw this photo, my first reaction was “OH CRAP!” .. That is one big hill to climb! This is not really my idea of a “good workout” This looks like a leg killing, back aching, body sweating, emotional HIKE! But how else can you get to goodness, if you dont work hard for it? I am not putting this lightly.. this truly is a hard hill to climb. Sometimes in life we need to climb the big hills to appreciate what is on the other side.. for me I feel I have been climbing this hill most of my life.. I feel that each time I get up a hill, there is only a small break before the next… so when I saw this, I thought “are you kidding?”.. that is how I feel about what I am going through today.. “are you kidding”.. “more work?” .. but this time it’s different, because it’s for ME and no one else.

Alot of times I do things for others; for God, I do things for the “greater good”, I do things in caring more for others.. I have walked up many hills in my life for others, alot of pain and suffering for others, but this time, this hill is mine, and I am doing it for me – not my kids, not my support, not God, not my husband.. but for ME.

I may not feel this way halfway up that hill.. I will probably find myself cussing and being angry.. wondering why it is that I am going through more tough times. I will probably want to turn back around and walk back many times.. but this time it’s for me. This is not only about walking up a hill, but it’s about letting go of what is on my back; what I have held inside for 30+ years. This is not just about walking up that big hill; it’s about letting go of protecting what I have protected for 30+ years.

It’s not easy to let go of something that you have protected and kept inside for 30+ years – it becomes you – you become it, and there is a time in your life that you have to say “I have done all I can do”.. hardest words I have ever had to write, hardest words I will ever have to honor.

This time, it’s for me.. so I can work on me, work on what is inside and not inside of what I am carrying.. that is why this hill is so big this time.. it’s going to be hard.. very hard – but it’s time.

 

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When Prayer Just isn’t Enough!

I was / am truly disappointed in God this past weekend.. yes I can actually say that and still love and honor him. I think God understands it when we can express our disappointment, because he knows that we do not understand the path that he has laid out for us. It’s hard to comprehend that God is looking out for us; protecting us – when we feel pain, sadness, or when we are struggling or suffering!

This weekend was one of those moments that “prayer” was just not enough.. it wasn’t enough for me. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, it got worse – maybe I don’t understand Gods way, but he sure saw my suffering, and still no break in sight! He saw my tossing and turning through the night, he heard me say over and over “just give me some goodness to work with here, I am struggling inside”.. and still no relief in sight.. that is when I said  “why are you doing this to me?”

I showed up at church three times over the weekend, I prayed, I honored, I have spoken, I have reached out, I have connected, I have done all the good things I know I can do inside to try and make it better, but still no relief or goodness in sight came my way. I am not saying that you need to do all these things to receive, but I surely showed up and showed him that I was needing the support! Even in the hardest of mornings on Sunday, I got up and went, because I honor him and want to hear HIS word! so am I angry? you bet I am!

I sit here and look at the people in my life who don’t honor, or they take things for granted, take GOD for granted, take their life for granted, take their goodness for granted – or take take take, me me me, and their prayers are answered.. you just want to throw yourself on the floor and take a fit! WHY!! why do the people who mis-use their prayer or mis-use their goodness, GET what they ask for? Why do I see people all around me who don’t honor like I do, and everything is going great for them; while I am healing and fighting for my life to heal from the horrible past I endured? WHY?

I feel I worked so very hard everyday and put on a smile when I dont want to smile, I feel I really made some trusting steps forward; only to feel as if I was thrown back five feet to start again? So yes I am angry! Just writing this makes me want to go kick a few things or slam a couple of doors!

But as I sit here in my anger – I am trying to think of how I can add to my prayer and just honor God and what his plan is for me. In my anger I will try and push through this tough time I am having; until I can find more hope and goodness to work in. That is what I can do when Prayer is just not enough. We can be angry, but only God knows our path, and we need to honor that, and hand it over to him and trust he will embrace that in his own way. Yes it’s very hard! Its very hard to honor in suffering, or to honor in waiting for it to get better.. but that is the strength that God does give us, and I believe he see’s that strength and gives us that gift to get through these “trivial” times of  WHY!

In this anger I also need to believe that at some point, when I am least expecting it, he will show up, and I will smile and say “there it is” – yes a little late, but I will be blessed that he really did hear me.

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Holding onto Hope . . .

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain – Hebrews 6:19

I truly believe that we cannot move forward in life without hope. What is hope? Hope is a feeling, its a need; a wish.. hope is something that drives us to move through whatever it is we are struggling with inside. Hope to me = Goodness and we all know that goodness is a feeling of content.

For me, I hold onto hope everyday, and it holds onto me, or I would not be where I am today without that. Everyday I hold the hope that I will find one more step closer in my healing. I hold the hope that tomorrow I wont go through the little things that I go through; those little things that hold onto ME instead of me holding onto IT.

I don’t think a day goes by for me that I don’t look for hope to move through the day, and to find something that will give me more hope, and “hopefully” turning into Goodness. I just don’t think there is life without hope. What happens to a person that has no hope? they die! they may not die physically, but their soul is dead.. that is why “hope anchors the soul” .. it’s the only thing that keeps us going.

I will go to bed with hope tonight, and I will wake up with hope.. whether it happens the way I want it to happen or not, I still hold onto it.. because for me, that is my ONLY way to “goodness”

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Healing the Heart

I saw this photo and immediately thought about my journey, my healing! If you were to look at healing from a “physical” aspect, I think this is what you would imagine; your heart on the floor, and you healing it by hand; sewing it together stitch by stitch…  but in real, that is not possible – but if only it were that easy!

I think healing has to come from within. Healing comes from strength, it comes from hope, it comes from knowing that there is something on the other side of where it is you are at now. I think healing and hope are the same thing. I think when people “want” to heal, they have hope for something better. It’s hard to heal when you see no hope. You can’t walk down a road that has road blocks, you need to find a way around, and you have to allow yourself to walk down a path that has potential for being something more; to keep you going forward.

I am a fighter.. I always believe that no matter what, I will get through it, and the only way I can get through it, is through hope. Hope is also found through “goodness”, like written below. Wisdom, hope, goodness, and faith all equal to healing. When things seem too tough to handle, I sit and try and think about the thing I have hope in…. my goal is always to find more hope, and if I can’t find hope, I look to find goodness; to give me wisdom, which gives me more hope inside.

I believe God gives us hope – I believe that is his gift to us.. we just have to know when, where and how to use it, and most importantly, what to listen for.

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What is Goodness?

I love the word “Goodness” .. Goodness is something that means alot to me, because those times are few and in between for me. I like to think of Goodness as moments of clarity; moments of understanding; moments of having your heart feel tingly like you did something right, or you did something justly.

Goodness to me is a feeling of being “free” from the hard stuff I go through on a daily basis. Goodness is a gift from God; a feeling that I wouldn’t want to feel all the time, because it woulen’t hold the same meaning or feeling. Goodness are moments that you smile to yourself and put your head down because you felt good about yourself for a moment!

Goodness is when you can breathe and say “I have a moment to feel free and be open to hear and be”. Goodness is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted as it’s a gift; it’s a feeling that is not happy, not sad, not angry, not excited, but content. Goodness is also a feeling when you are connected to those who you care about, and who care about you. Goodness is a moment where you feel you are worth being.

Goodness to me are moments that you cherish; ones that you can count and remember because it’s not a feeling that is easily obtained. When I feel moments of goodness it makes me smile inside and out. I Cherish those little moments; they mean alot to me. Sometimes for me, goodness is where I find my strength, and when I have strength, I find more hope.. and when hope is there; you can easily accept goodness and be in goodness.

a passage in the bible that says:

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for ever” psalms 23:6

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Where God Meets Us . . .

This is the most beautiful place to be – “The Sunspots” . . . since I was a child, I have always found my comfort in the “sunspots” on the floor. I would wake up in the morning and find the sunspots on the livingroom floor, where I would lay in them. I always thought to myself “This is where God is” .. it’s warm and inviting, it’s safe and holds no fear.. when you lay in the sunspots, there is no darkness, there is no sadness, there is not troubles, or worries. God meets us in the sunspots, where we can pray, and be with him in peace. I have done this since I was a child, and even today I find comfort in the “sunspots” .. whether they be on the floor, or in my bed when the sun shines just right.. or even outside in between tree’s with shade in between.. I dont think there is any better feeling than being in the “sunspots”.. I truly believe it’s where God meets us, talks to us, and makes us feel his love.

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