Most Blessed! Nathan Turns 13!!

In talking about blessings, I have to say that I am most blessed for all 3 of my boys, 4 when you count my husband. But this week I am most blessed for Nathan to who is about to turn the most important age of 13 in a couple of days!!!

13 being no longer defined as a child; but now as a teen. It’s no longer the moments of him sitting on my lap and watching a movie, or cuddling and talking.. it’s more of a “quick side hug” before running into his room to put his head into the computer just like his dad, or him wanting to hang out with his buddies, instead of hanging out with mom – but all those things are OK, because no matter what age, he is still mine, and for that I am blessed!

Nathan has always been known as my “challenge” .. the one who tests me the most, the one who makes it known that he is in charge.. but all in all, he is so well mannered, very funny, has us laughing all the time! Nathan is my bargainer, the one who makes deals, the seller, and the one who will convince you that the sky is yellow, when it’s really blue! But that is Nathan, and I wouldn’t change a thing about him!

one of the biggest moments I had with him in the car the other day, was his reminder to me that in just 2 YEARS he will have his permit to drive! in 3 years he will have a license. As I was in the car driving, I think I almost choked on the thought! When did this happen? where did the time go? I have Christopher who is going to be 20, I have Ryan who is going to be 16 this year, and now Nathan? I think it really puts things in perspective, and you want them to stay young forever!

But no matter what changes and how many years go by, one thing that will never grow old; is the love and the blessing that God gave to me.. I am blessed for all my boys, and I am blessed to say “Happy 13th Birthday Nathan”.. you truly are my BABY!

 

 

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It’s time to stand!

Have you ever been on a journey so long that you found yourself to the point of exhaustion that you had to find a place to sit; even if it’s in the middle of the road? I guess in a way I have gone through this many times in my journey to healing; to find the real me behind my story, and behind the mystery of “why I am the way that I am”. In fact, I know that I have sat many times in this confusion and hardness; to the point of people around me telling me that I needed to get back up, because sometimes we can find ourselves more comfortable sitting and thinking, instead of standing and fighting.

I have found many comforts in sitting, and there have been many times in this journey that I have sat, sometimes for short amount of time, and sometimes for a long time.. but I am realizing that, the sitting is becoming more of an obstacle than standing and fighting! I think the sitting is allowing the hardness to manifest itself, to the point of isolation and weakness – and lets face it, if your running a race and you stop and rest, the more you rest, the longer it takes to get to the finish line.

The obstacle? I have always been afraid to know what is behind the finish line, because it’s unfamiliar to me. I think a lot of us can be afraid of what we don’t know on the other side, so of course sitting is safer and feels more comfortable – it gives us more time to think of how we are going to get to the end, and all of the “what if’s?” and “what is there?” or “how can I?!”.. I have learned that sitting is not a place of rest, but rather a place where our strength is weakened – standing and walking towards is MUCH more powerful than sitting. I think I am ready – actually I know I am ready!

I am ready to stand back up and walk again.. I may not have the strength or the courage to run, but I think standing is the first step to continue towards “the unfamiliar”. I think God has truly given me the strength to go forward again.. the question is, will I sit again? I think for the first time in this very long journey that I have been on, that I can actually say, I dont think sitting is an option for me anymore, and even saying that is a very scary thing, but I am willing to fight through it, whatever it takes to get to me in this journey.

 

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letting go, while reaching for…

I saw this photo, and it truly had some meaning to me, not just about the trees, or the beautiful lighting, but because it represents two meanings – letting Go, and reaching for”.. both of which I am very familiar with, (one more so than the other) and both which takes alot of work, strength, and faith to do.

I feel, right now,  I am in the “in between”. I am letting go; but at the same time reaching for. The blessing in this is, I think for the first time, I can actually see the “reaching for” in the midst of letting go.

I think for most of us, letting go is alot harder than reaching for, but for me, letting go is one of the most familiar feelings for me. I have been through it time and time again… but going towards something for me, that is very unfamiliar, and scary at the same time.

What I have come to learn in a hard way is that, the unfamiliar is one of the scariest places for me, because I have spent my life living in the familiar patterns.. almost like a ritual! So I guess in a way, there was never any room to see anyting outside of that, so reaching out for that “unfamiliar” you have no idea what to expect.. but I think for the first time in my life, I can see it, and I am willing to sacrafice whatever I need to do, to find out what that is, be with it, face it, and fight it to grab it – no matter how hard.

It’s been a long time in my healing that I have actually been able to see some light.. I guess that truly comes when you truly allow yourself to let go of what has been covering that light for so long.. it’s a hard process, and there may be times where the “reaching for” is harder to grab, or the letting go feels to pull me in more, but I think I am strong enough to stand in the middle and feel what both feels like without being pulled into the familiar. I think I feel stronger to feel the reaching for, and that is very unfamiliar!

 

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Holding On . . .

I think that this photo represents what we sometimes need inside to move forward. There are times that God gives us the strength to fight it, move around it, be with what is hard… and there are times we wish he would carry us through it. Sometimes you have been doing it yourself for so long that it almost seems impossible to allow someone else to carry you through it. It’s easier to ask God for help, because we can’t see him – but try asking other people in your life to help carry you through something that is truly hard; when you have depended on yourself your whole life.

Then there comes a time when you just cannot do it on your own. I think for me, I am at a point in my life, and my journey that I am finding it harder and harder to push through it alone. The walls that created such a comfort for me are no longer soft walls of comfort, they are becoming obstacles. These walls that allowed me to easily move through life without a want or need, or even having to accept support. These walls protected me from getting hurt in the case that I would need or want and it wasn’t there…. but as I move forward in my journey to healing, I am finding that they are no longer serving a greater purpose; but instead causing me to suffer in silence.

I feel connection in so important in order to accept those around you. The connection is already there with God .. but how do we find that connection with others and it be OK? How do I move forward without walls that I carried all my life? how do I move forward and this be for ME?

When I look at this photo, it reminds me of what I have been doing for 34 years, since I was 5 (carrying her) .. I have a very hard time seeing it the other way around. Truly this is one of the hardest things I have come to in this journey – needing!

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Taking a Leap of Faith

When I saw this quote of faith, I immediately thought about the journey I have been on for almost 5 years now. My leap was deciding that I wanted to heal inside, and it’s been a hard process thus far, hasn’t been easy. Wings are not easy to build when you are used to just falling, or better yet never having the courage to take the leap to begin with.

I have certainly had some support along the way. I don’t think any of us can take a leap without making sure someone is there to help in case you fall. Part of the leap is finding trust in someone who will be there.

Yes there are times I feel I am going to hit the ground and not build them in time. I feel at times I am never going to make it; that I have been defeated.. there are times when you just want to give up and hit the ground, because you are tired of the work – I have been there many times, but for some reason, there is always the “faith” that moves you to a place to where you believe you can make it before you do hit the ground – it’s called hope.

My journey has been a long one, and continues to be. I am thrown a challenge no matter how hard I work with it! I sometimes wonder if the effort is worth it? What if I hit the ground? What if I get hurt along the way? It’s scary, it’s unknown, it’s really unfamiliar.. and that has been a huge part of my healing; working around the unknown.

When I read this, I thought about how hard it was to take that Leap towards healing.. and then I think about how hard the healing has been, and what the healing will be like going forward; knowing how hard it’s going to be…  but I have hope – that faith will lead me to more hope, and that will give me more courage, and more strength to keep going towards what I know is there – what I hope is there – what I have “faith” is there.

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Black and White?

I took this photo today, I was in my car, sitting in a parking-lot, and I knew it had beautiful colors.. the reds and the oranges, the vivid sharp-ness of fall.. fall is one of my favorite times of the year, because of it’s colors and the weather.

When I took my phone out to take this photo, for some reason I put it on “black and white”.. and I didn’t realize until now why.. why would I take a photo of something so beautiful, and make it black and white before I shot it? … I posted this photo today and everyone complimented on how beautiful it was… but the beauty was in the colors, and I didn’t shoot it that way.

Sometimes when we are struggling, we see things differently, they are not as colorful, they are not as bright.. sometimes when we are struggling we tend to not notice it’s beauty when it’s there, we only see the darker side of things. today I knew the colors were there, but yet I didn’t shoot it the way it was there in front of me.

I think my reason for putting my camera in Black and White, was because that is how I felt at the moment – unsure, scared, sad, and alone in the process of what I am going through to heal…. so much of what we see is a reflection of how we feel inside.. but I know that this tree had colors, I just couldn’t take a photo of it.. and it bothered me all day.

Fighting through something so hard in letting go, I guess this is what I see right now. People wear black to honor in people’s passing.. black and white is a color of death and a color of sadness.. I guess this is how it feels to let go. My hope and prayer is that in this process of letting go, I will see things differently – though it takes time.. it still hurts, and things do seem black and white..

I imagine through letting go the colors come back; things seem to be more crisp and in place.. but just as much as the tree’s take time to change colors; so does healing.. especially when you have been black and white your whole life.

This photo reminds me of how much I miss my photography… I think the reason I gave it up was because through healing I truly couldn’t see the colors like I used to… it just wasn’t there.. just as the colors were not there for me in this photo I took today.. but my hope and prayer is that through God and Faith, and Courage and my process of letting go, that I will be able to see it again.

I have alot of hope inside… and my hope is that I will be able to see the colors and the photos the way I used to.

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Letting Go . . .

At some point in our life, we all let go of something – there cannot be life, without letting go of something or someone. We let go of old things we held onto, we pack them up in boxes and store them away, and we forget about them. We let go of friends that go their own way, as we go ours. We let go of people we love that have passed on. There are some things that are easier to let go than others, and there are some things that are devastating, and sometimes those devastating things are the hardest to get through. Those moments seem like endless pain and suffering, like the pain has no end.

People always say, “time heals all wounds”.. I am one that truly believes that, but I am also one that believes that letting go of something that has molded you to be who you are today; takes alot more than just time. It takes courage, and faith, hope, and goodness, and it takes pain. It may get easier, but it also comes with it’s hard work in forming the person you have to be without that something inside you held onto for so long. It’s not just about letting go, but about learning how to be without what you have held on.

I think it angers people when others say “time heals all wounds” when your feeling such pain –  it feels like a mocking; to almost discount how you are supposed to feel. When something has been so devastating that you have held onto it for 30+ years, no words can make it feel less painful. It’s hard no matter what you say, what you do, or how hard you work through it – especially when you have spent your whole life holding on. Sometimes time can’t heal the wounds, it’s you inside that has to heal… sometimes there is no time frame.. it can be in a couple of days, it can takes 50 years.. it’s about how you heal from it, and how you learn to be without that something you are holding onto.

Then there comes the pivitol moment that you finally realize that you have to let go.. when you realize that, its absolultey devistating.. you feel numb and weak, you feel emotional and in a dark place, you feel like there is no end to the pain. But you need to let go, because when you let go, you open youself up to be the person you need to be without it. It’s like opening a door that has emotions that were trapped inside for so long, and you need to talk about it from yourself; from your heart.. not the something inside you have been holding all your life. There comes a time when that something you are holding onto, just becomes too heavy, that you have to put it down and free yourself from what you hold inside.

When you let go of someone you love, you move on from that, because you don’t see their physical presence anymore, so time fades.. time does allow you to miss that person. Yes times heals the pain, but it takes time. But when you are letting go of something that was a part of you, that WAS you? when that happens, it takes alot more than time, because you have to learn to be without that something that was YOU.  

I dont think  I have ever had to do anything as hard as this.. it’s painful and vulnarable, it takes alot of courage and faith.. it takes God to help you move through it, and honestly, as powerful as God is, even he cannot do it for you. It’s also taking a risk; a risk that you are going to be able to move through this with hope that on the other side, you can survive letting go – especially knowing this is something that you have had since you could remember as a child.

For me, this is not only about “letting go”.. it’s about “letting out” .. letting out what the holding onto has kept inside. I spent my whole life doing for others, holding onto for others.. but then I realize that i just can’t do it anymore for anyone else, I need to free alot of things that the holding onto has kept inside, and that in itself is painful, hard and takes alot of courage to move through.

Like my Tattoo says on my neck “Faith, Courage, Wisdom”.. Faith that leads me to let go, Courage to do the process, and the wisdom I have learned along the way to make this possible.. and that wisdom came from “her”.

 

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