Another Door Open

For years now, I have been in and out of the process of writing my book. I was so close to making it happen a couple of years ago; even got myself a publisher. The moment I began writing, I got triggered and began struggling to move through the process of writing about the past.

Recalling memories from my past were too painful to write about, I thought I was ready with already years of work with my therapist talking about my past – but something was missing and I wasn’t ready yet.

I decided to put it aside and work with my therapist on “inner child work” – – you have seen me write about accepting that I have an inner stuck child within and we have worked really hard on that the past year. its been hard work, but good work.

I began really trusting the memories without feeling I was actually back in those moments to the point of being able to talk about it without getting lost or disconnecting. Sometimes its still hard, but I believe I am ready to take this step.

When I got the denial letter for the retreat it hit me really hard, but I truly believe this was Gods way of saying “your ready for something bigger” . .so I thought about it and decided to take another chance at writing my book – sharing my story on a bigger level. I asked my therapist in session yesterday if he would help me and the young part walk along side this story to start writing and his response was nothing short of supportive, caring and compassionate. His words were “I would be honored to take this step with you in our work” ..

So even though just last week I didn’t believe in “when one door closes another one opens” – today I believe that the money I would have spent on this retreat in February, is just what I need to make this bigger step happen.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”- Brene’ Brown

I may not be able to be with a bunch of people on a retreat to talk about my story, or to hear amazing wisdom from other poets and writers, but I can take the step into making my story happen, by using my voice to write this book of my past.

As many of you know, I have already chosen the name and the cover of the book, it’s the inside that is the hardest – and I am ready to this step.

The name of my book will be “Alone in the Closet” ..

So it begins, again – one door closed but another door is open to this journey of writing about my past – writing my story so that I can connect with others to show them that life can happen afrer abuse. You can heal from childhood sexual abuse, and you do have a voice to be spoken!

Its a big step, it’s a vulnerable step, but a step I know I am ready to finally take. I couldn’t do it without the support of my husband, my family and of course this healing journey and my therapist who has walked ths journey with me for over 10 years now. I am blessed!

So – as I write this today – I truly believe that when one door closes, God is awaiting with another door open. Take that step through.

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3 DAYS – LIFE HAPPENS

The one thing I told myself when I agreed to do this “31 days of writing” was not to be hard on myself if I missed a day of writing, because “life happens!”

life gets in the way of time we have to ourselves sometimes. Life gets in the way of our thoughts, and our means to have a moment to ourselves, and that’s what happened to me yesterday.

I actually had a very vulnerable session yesterday in therapy! I talked about some things that were hard and allowed myself to sit with my emotions, and sometimes when that happens, it takes me out of my sense of self because I am not one that does very well with showing or feeling emotions.

When I came home from a hard but GOOD healing session, I had no energy left in me to put any words to this blog – – and then life happened and the day got away from me. By the time I realized I didn’t write, it was this morning! At first I felt disappointed in myself, and then I remembered the purpose of this 31 days, it’s about letting life be, and the writing working around my life, not me working around the writing.

So, as I sit here tonight writing Day 3 and 4 together, it’s a good way to say this is life and if you miss a day, or you have to let life come first, its OK .. at least we are still making the effort to be vulnerable to this amazing challenge.

I wont let it stumble me . . . I am here and letting life be what it is, and letting my writing coming along side of it.

For those who are brave enough to take on this challenge of the 31 days – keep in mind, life gets in the way, the days come and go and give yourself the space needed to write when you can.. let life happen just as your writing. If you miss a day, its OK .. keep going forward, I am in awe of everyone who takes on this difficult vulnerable challenge.

Be kind to yourself.

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31 Days of Finding My Voice (Day 2)- Rejection

I wasn’t sure I was going to write about this or not, but this 31 days of “Finding My Voice” is about just that – speaking and writing about the things I wouldn’t usually use my voice to speak.

What could be harder than rejection? Telling others you were rejected! It’s that feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s allowing others to see that you were not accepted, or chosen – like putting a spotlight on something people possibly can’t see and allowing them to see it.

Like some of you know, I applied to go on a retreat, and you had to answer some pretty hard questions, and those questions were vulnerable and raw! I wanted to be a part of this significant and big retreat not just for the retreat itself, but to be a part of in this place and space in my journey right now.

I waited and waited to find out if I was one of the chosen to be sent an invitation … they promised us an answer by the 15th of September, and then they pushed it to the 29th as they had an overwhelming amount of people apply. I waited and looked at my email every time it chimed! I wanted this more than anything.

I spend a good couple of sessions talking about it in therapy with my therapist, and he knew just how important this retreat would have been to me. I opened myself up to him about just WHY this meant so much to me and how I felt about it. He got it .. he is one of the people who gets it, and understands just what this meant to me. Applying for this retreat felt like a huge part of my journey – it was a big damn deal as my therapist would put it :) – – – and it was.

I found out Friday that I was NOT one of the people chosen to go on this retreat. Some may see it as significant odds (350 selected out of the 3700 people who applied). Some people may say “maybe the next one” or some may say “it wasn’t about you and who you are”! Well for ME, putting myself out there to apply for this retreat was a HUGE step for me. Letting myself be seen in the answers to the hard questions they asked, and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the rejection that may happen?

I took it a lot harder than I thought I would! I thought I was prepared for it! I prayed about it! I kept telling myself and the inner child within me “if I don’t get chosen, it’s not about my worth, I am a good person deserving of this!”

All those positive thoughts got washed away when I read the denial email that kindly said, “it’s with our heavy heart to say” and “maybe next year” or “but please know you are on our waiting list” – The generic email sent to all the people who didn’t get it!

I cried for what seemed like forever! That old familiar feeling as a little child running to my room as fast as I could to get to a safe space to cry being unseen! It felt all too familiar with my past!

All those positive words I swore I would feel washed away in that moment of rejection! I felt hurt! It wasn’t just about the retreat! It wasn’t just about what the retreat was for! It was about being chosen for allowing myself to be vulnerable to the questions asked on the form! It was about someone choosing me and saying “this woman is deserving of this space and or “she is good enough to be a part of this retreat!”.

It FELT horrible. Then came letting others know that “I was not chosen”, which felt even worse! What will others think?

My therapist, of course, was nothing short of supportive, caring, and had open arms, heart, eyes, and ears to how I felt. His first response was “THEY made a HUGE mistake!” HE gets the story and the wounds this hurt comes from, and I so appreciate him for that.

My friends and family love me to the ends of the earth to know that this did hurt – but some people don’t understand why it hurt so much.

So what do I do with these heavy feelings? Well, I do what I always do … OVERCOME! I move thru it and find ways to rise above!

My therapist wants me to honor my feelings and continue talking about it because this is too important not to talk about! I just want to run past it, but something tells me he is right. I need to show the young part and myself that I don’t need to shove my feelings away. This is how I feel, and I am worthy of talking about it.

I have to say, writing about this tonight feels pretty raw and vulnerable … something I would never do before is to write about rejection! But maybe this is the first step in healing, and showing the inner self that it’s OK to feel and it’s ok to be sad and hurt without consequences.

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