I have written about my fear of dependency and needing before, but today while I was in session, I really started to understand the correlation between the past and the now and how much my past set the stage for my fears today.
When I was a child I feared being sick. I feared needing people, or depending on people to help me. I was neglected and abandoned many times; even forced to clean up my own vomit once when I got sick on the floor while my mom was sleeping as she handed me a towel to clean it up.
I took care of myself many times as a child, and that grew into a fear of needing or asking for help. Being rejected and abandoned time and time again I was forced to feel unworthy, or unlovable. I feared being incapable to others and that grew on me my whole life.
When I have to go to DR’s or the hospital for heart issues, I shake in a cold sweat panic! The fear of putting myself in the hands of others scares me. I was never taken care of the way I needed to be taken care of – therefore I fear being taken care of, or even being worthy of that.
I have become extremely self-sufficient on myself my whole life, and I have a really hard time accepting support and feeling worthy at the same time of that.
I have gotten better about this struggle since beginning therapy and learning more about connection and acceptance, but moments like this week when I am faced with changes both physically and emotionally, support is something I have had to lean on and it has been extremely hard to accept.
This week I have had to face my fears in asking for support, leaning on the very firm boundary lines I have lived by since I was a child, and accepting that I may not always be strong, and maybe just maybe people will be there to help without abandonment.
I am officially 1 week into treatment coming off the pain meds and doing the methadone detoxification program! It has been challenging, hard, healing, painful, and sometimes emotionally draining, but for the most part I am healing and feeling more and more like myself each day.
This past week I have really learned to face my fears in asking for support and leaning on those around me. I have had to lean on my family, my kids and my husband!I have leaned on my therapist and accepted his extra support inside and outside therapy.
This treatment plan I am on is kicking my BUTT at times! – but as they say “anything that heals always starts with a painful wound”.
So as I sit here in the hard moments of healing, it reminds me of the fears as a child! leaning in and accepting and needing support while trusting that those around me who want to help, are doing it because they care and love me – not because they want something from me.
Each day it’s getting a little easier and maybe each day I will learn that its okay to lean on support, ask for hep when I need it and accept that I am worthy of it.
My middle son Ryan has been so awesome about going to the clinic with me every morning to see the dr and get my meds. It has been nice having his company.
It’s amazing what fears we carry with us from our past. My fear is about dependence and leaning on others when I am sick or need help, and this week I am facing those fears head on – boxing gloves and all!
thank you to all of those who have supported me through reading my thoughts and feelings and giving me the ability to write and be heard! I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who help me face my fears from the my past!