embracing the good and the hard
My week began with becoming a CASA and celebrating the role I worked so hard for in the past 3 months.
I am still on an emotional high from this amazing experience I had on Monday. I think I am starting to finally feel the effects from this now that I have come down from emotional buzz and realizing “HEY I really did it!”
I also am sitting with some hardness from this week. My therapist and I had a rupture in session Wednesday and although it was hard at the time it happened, I learned so much from it, and it made us even stronger.
I learned that just because there is a rupture, doesn’t mean I have to run from it, or lean out – I can face the rupture, talk about my anger, and know that I am heard and still cared for even though there is a rupture and that is something I never experienced in the past.
It’s not often that my therapist and I experience a rupture. Once in a great while there will be a misunderstanding or something wrong said, and Wednesday was one of those times where my therapist lost his objectivity because he cares so much about me.
In the moment he forgot he was my therapist in trying to be the caring person in my life more than the objective therapist who I needed support from – not a biased opinion. it comes with the territory of working so much and so long together sometimes.
Of course the rupture has been repaired 10 fold, and in fact we talked about it so well together that my therapist said last night “I am proud of us”.
I am proud of us too! we work hard and this was a testament of that hard work.
I learned that the young part of me comes out more when there are ruptures or moments of hardness. I felt a shift from the younger side of me trying to pull me into the old messages of the past when there was a rupture or anger around me. The old messages being “run” “go and hide and get away from the rupture, you are not safe” “you are no good, you are not worthy” ..
Those are the old messages. I never had anyone sit with me and take responsibility for something going wrong, and actually hearing a sorry or a hug to comfort the wrong doing. The old messages from the younger part of me tried to come in and sweep me back into old coping skills, but this time I didn’t let it. I stayed in the room, I talked to my therapist about the rupture, I spoke my anger, I heard his sincere apology, and a repair was made.
I learned that this rupture didn’t take away from the goodness of Monday, or change who I am or the goodness inside of me – “it only enhances it” – Okay that is what my therapist said, I am still slowly learning it.
My therapist said in an email last night that “sometimes these hard moments are needed to make us stronger to get through the real tough moments of healing ahead of us” … I guess that makes sense.
When I used to weight lift, I remember the pain I would feel when I would UP my reps on bench press and how hard it was in the beginning. But everyday I worked hard at that one weight I had a hard time lifting, and before I knew it, I was lifting it with no problems. It’s because I built those muscles to push the heavier weight!
Emotionally I guess this rupture gave me more strength, and it opened up a new way of talking to my therapist that I didn’t have before and that is good. it also helped me to learn more about the past and how I don’t have to revert back to old messages to survive the hard.
and in the end, I can still celebrate the good day I had Monday.
It’s not often that my therapist and I have any kind of small rupture, but when we do, it’s good! it means we are human and we are alive and it means we love and care about the relationship on this amazing journey of healing.
This has been a great week – even the hard parts.