thinking back – looking forward

forwardbackAs I look back on this past year, it was a very hard year for me on so many levels! But it has also been one of the most connecting and self changing years on my healing journey.

It began with the death of my mom last January 6th 2015, which set the stage for the beginning of a very hard year for me.

I was already struggling with self isolation from many things that happened a couple of years ago, and in that hard work of trying to move out of the isolation, adding my moms death was just another reason to pull back even more.

But then there is my healing journey, my work in therapy and the amazing work my therapist and I have done this past year has been absolutely amazing!

As we sat in therapy Tuesday, my therapist and I did a lot of reflecting back and forth about the good work we have done, and how blessed we both are for each other and the strong bond we re-built over this past year, and for that I am blessed that I can walk this amazing journey with so much trust, connection and acceptance.

As I look back on this hard hard year, I have seen where the hardness has changed me! I have seen the changes and for the first time in almost 9 years of therapy now, I can see how much I have changed and how connection to self, the work, and to my therapist has grown to a new acceptance.

My moms death opened my eyes to a new acceptance and healing for me. The self isolation made me see the places I can go and where I am stuck.

My therapist and I have re-created what “connection” means and what that looks like in our work! I have learned to accept connection more and when there is acceptance, there is healing, and in the healing I have learned to accept my worth!

I look back and I can’t believe how different I feel inside around connection and acceptance and learning how to “feel” my emotions and not be afraid of them – BECAUSE of that acceptance, BECAUSE of that connection I can finally feel worthy of.

Just a couple of years ago, connection was hard for me to accept, because I felt if I accepted connection like (leaning in for support, writing an email, or sending a text or whatever it was) it meant I was dependent or “too much” .. well I don’t feel that way anymore, when I lean in and connect, I feel a new acceptance that “I am worthy of being in connection” and that has made such a HUGE difference in my healing this year.

That has been the biggest change this past year, and because of this new found acceptance, it has made the bond between my therapist and I stronger, and that has made the healing take a really good turn on so many levels!

Looking forward I can see how this new acceptance is going to open doors for me to take more steps out of this self isolation! When I say self isolation that means “going back to church” “going out more without fearing things” “being open to being in the company of friends again like I used to” .. and then there are others things I am not ready to be open around this yet, but that time will come.

The self isolation also touches on many of my past hurts and triggers and that is also something else I am working so hard with – and will continue to as I take steps into the new year.

Emotions have always been a huge struggle for me, I am finally learning how to “FEEL” for the first time, really feel and that has opened many new healing paths for me as I talk about the hurt I still hold.

So, as I look back, there are many things that were HARD about this past year around the self isolation and self inner struggles and yet at the same time, this past year has been the year of learning to accept and trust the healing relationship and the healing journey!

As I look forward, I am scared and yet so excited to see what is next on this path to healing! not only are changes happening here at home for the good, but I am really looking forward to what my therapist and I are working so hard on in helping me out of this self isolation and more accepting support, love and care while learning to work with my emotions and feeling them more.

Someday I will be able to tell the story of what began this self isolation – but for now it’s good enough to just say “this is where I was, this is where I am, and this is where I look forward to being!

You will see a lot more writing from this year as I plan to take this new found acceptance and start writing more about my journey and not fear writing about it. I look forward to the connections I make in that.

I hope all of you have a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I love you all and thank you for the support this past year in my journey of both HARD and HEALING!

** WORDPRESS.COM READERS ** if your reading this in the READER, you wont be able to respond with a comment unless you go to the link of my blog, I run a SELF HOSTED so you have to go to my blog to leave a comment .. go here to the link to read and leave a comment
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feeling my emotions

1082105247Yesterday when I woke up to get ready for therapy and the day ahead I knew it was going to be a really hard day – I just knew it and felt something really big inside tugging at me!

Emotions were really close to the surface from the moment I woke! Emotions scare me – – emotions make me want to run – – I hate feeling, and being with emotions; especially letting them be seen!

Yes even in therapy, even after 8 1/2 years of working thru my feelings and it still is a huge struggle for me!

When I showed up to therapy I knew from the moment I sat in the waiting room that this was going to be a hard struggle – sitting there waiting I even struggled with and debated on walking out and going home before he came out to get me – which I have never once done in 8 1/2 years of being in therapy.

But I stayed with it, I worked with the struggle in the waiting room and knew in that moment that “connection is found in working through the struggle, not running from the struggle”.

I knew from the moment I sat next to my therapist that the silence I felt wasn’t going to work, swallowing my emotions and feelings was not going to work like it once did, and so I gave in and let them just show up no matter how bad they felt!

My therapist took and held my hand and said “just breathe and let it be here” and when the emotions got big, he hugged me in those tears and told me I am supported, loved and cared for – even in the days I have tears, not just in the days I am strong with all the wisdom I bring and how strong I am.

My therapist knows my struggle with emotions, he has been a witness to this fear for over 8 years now, and he knows no matter how many tears I have shed, it still scares me to the core every time they show up.

The story behind the fear of emotions is so big that its something I still have such a hard time with no matter how many times I reminded that “your tears are SO OK!” – “however you feel is SO welcomed” “you are not alone”.

There is also a part of me that struggles with emotions on a level that “if I am expressing my emotions, if I am having emotions, it’s too much, or I am not being strong enough, or this is a step back instead of seeing it as a step forward.

I feel guilty and ashamed for having emotions, because I was abused into thinking that.

BUT – For the first ever, I just let go of my inner fear and just let the emotions be there, because it was too much work to sit in the silence!

I realized how bad it felt to be silent and disconnected vs letting the emotions be there and let go of that inner fear that holds them. I felt what the sadness felt like, I felt what the tears felt like, for the first time I was able to feel fully and not disconnect from my self or the young part.

I showed up yesterday regardless of how bad it felt inside, because I know deep inside God is along side of me taking those steps with me, and I know I am supported by a wonderful therapist who helps me to see that I am not alone in these big feelings, and my support is there in the connection if I allow the connection to be there.

Never have I FELT my emotions … I have cried many many tears, but never have I felt them or even felt what they meant and why there were there … never have I accepted them to be here.

and another step is made . . . .

** WORDPRESS.COM READERS ** if your reading this in the READER, you wont be able to respond with a comment unless you go to the link of my blog, I run a SELF HOSTED so you have to go to my blog to leave a comment .. go here to the link to read and leave a comment

feeling my emotions

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raw and vulnerable – facing my core emotions

rawI feel like the theme of my writing has been “its been a while since I have written”, and it’s true, it has been a while since I have written, and I think it’s because when I am working so hard internally, I become detached with everything else around me.

The work in therapy the past couple of weeks have been really hard but good work! My therapist keeps telling me “I am so proud of you, you are working so hard and you are on such a different path than you were just months ago” – and I believe that because I feel it.

I have been trusting and learning more and more of what it means to work with my feelings and emotions “as” I have them; not pushing them away until I can find empowerment over them.

I am still waking up in the middle of the night with “crying wake up’s”, and instead of forcing myself back to sleep like I normally do, I have been grabbing my phone or laptop when I wake, and write notes down on how I feel, what I woke feeling, and what the tears mean… I have even allowed myself to stay with the emotions and feel them instead of pushing them away by falling back to sleep.

It hasn’t been easy, and I hate the way it feels, but I do notice the more I do that and allow myself to be with the emotions that show up, the more connected I feel to talk about them.

My therapist always tells me “every tear is a tear of healing” “every tear has a story and meaning behind it” – when in the past I would think tears = weakness or tears = consequence.

I left session Friday feeling as if we peeled back an old scar and left it wide open to see all the insides exposed, and the only TRUE way to re-heal that old scar, is to take care of the insides instead of just throwing a band-aid over it.

Sometimes, we need to open old wounds so that we can treat it the way it should have been treated, so it can heal the way it needs to be healed – – and that is with truth and understanding. If we don’t get to the CORE of our wounds, it will never fully heal.

I have been working so hard on looking into those wounds and facing the core of how they got wounded, and a part of the healing has been about feeling and accepting.

Something I have really struggled with in the past was “acceptance” – acceptance of support, love and care from my therapist in therapy, and I didn’t realize just how needed that is in the process of healing, and how accepting those things doesn’t mean “dependence” – it means I am saying YES to me and YES to the younger parts that never had the support I have now.

The other night, I felt some really big feelings and I leaned in and emailed my therapist (which I don’t normally do unless I ABSOLUTELY need it; even though he tells me to lean in anytime I need it) .. well I leaned in and I opened myself up to support at a real vulnerable time IN the emotions, and he was so proud of me for leaning in and by leaning in and talking about my feelings, I was able to accept his support back and know “I am not alone and I am heard and supported” ..

It helped! It helped heal a little bit of that wound in the corner that still has a hard time healing. I took a small step and in that step I learned to accept.

So, in my quietness lately, I have been really work hard within, and I am really hoping that I can take this acceptance and start writing more about this important process! I hope to write more because when I write and connect with others, I do notice healing happening there as well …..

So, as I sit here on this Sunday morning, I am thinking about the week ahead and I am looking forward to see where this path continues to take me in therapy and in the steps I am making all around my healing.

Acceptance, being with these emotions that show up, and really facing the core feelings and emotions that show up and what they mean ….

I am learning more and as much as that is scary, it’s equally exiting to know I am finally facing the wounds that need to heal the way they should have healed.

** WORDPRESS.COM READERS ** if your reading this in the READER, you wont be able to respond with a comment unless you go to the link of my blog, I run a SELF HOSTED so you have to go to my blog to leave a comment .. go here to the link to read and leave a comment

raw and vulnerable – facing my core emotions

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