Healing the Heart

I saw this photo and immediately thought about my journey, my healing! If you were to look at healing from a “physical” aspect, I think this is what you would imagine; your heart on the floor, and you healing it by hand; sewing it together stitch by stitch…  but in real, that is not possible – but if only it were that easy!

I think healing has to come from within. Healing comes from strength, it comes from hope, it comes from knowing that there is something on the other side of where it is you are at now. I think healing and hope are the same thing. I think when people “want” to heal, they have hope for something better. It’s hard to heal when you see no hope. You can’t walk down a road that has road blocks, you need to find a way around, and you have to allow yourself to walk down a path that has potential for being something more; to keep you going forward.

I am a fighter.. I always believe that no matter what, I will get through it, and the only way I can get through it, is through hope. Hope is also found through “goodness”, like written below. Wisdom, hope, goodness, and faith all equal to healing. When things seem too tough to handle, I sit and try and think about the thing I have hope in…. my goal is always to find more hope, and if I can’t find hope, I look to find goodness; to give me wisdom, which gives me more hope inside.

I believe God gives us hope – I believe that is his gift to us.. we just have to know when, where and how to use it, and most importantly, what to listen for.

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What is Goodness?

I love the word “Goodness” .. Goodness is something that means alot to me, because those times are few and in between for me. I like to think of Goodness as moments of clarity; moments of understanding; moments of having your heart feel tingly like you did something right, or you did something justly.

Goodness to me is a feeling of being “free” from the hard stuff I go through on a daily basis. Goodness is a gift from God; a feeling that I wouldn’t want to feel all the time, because it woulen’t hold the same meaning or feeling. Goodness are moments that you smile to yourself and put your head down because you felt good about yourself for a moment!

Goodness is when you can breathe and say “I have a moment to feel free and be open to hear and be”. Goodness is something that shouldn’t be taken for granted as it’s a gift; it’s a feeling that is not happy, not sad, not angry, not excited, but content. Goodness is also a feeling when you are connected to those who you care about, and who care about you. Goodness is a moment where you feel you are worth being.

Goodness to me are moments that you cherish; ones that you can count and remember because it’s not a feeling that is easily obtained. When I feel moments of goodness it makes me smile inside and out. I Cherish those little moments; they mean alot to me. Sometimes for me, goodness is where I find my strength, and when I have strength, I find more hope.. and when hope is there; you can easily accept goodness and be in goodness.

a passage in the bible that says:

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for ever” psalms 23:6

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Where God Meets Us . . .

This is the most beautiful place to be – “The Sunspots” . . . since I was a child, I have always found my comfort in the “sunspots” on the floor. I would wake up in the morning and find the sunspots on the livingroom floor, where I would lay in them. I always thought to myself “This is where God is” .. it’s warm and inviting, it’s safe and holds no fear.. when you lay in the sunspots, there is no darkness, there is no sadness, there is not troubles, or worries. God meets us in the sunspots, where we can pray, and be with him in peace. I have done this since I was a child, and even today I find comfort in the “sunspots” .. whether they be on the floor, or in my bed when the sun shines just right.. or even outside in between tree’s with shade in between.. I dont think there is any better feeling than being in the “sunspots”.. I truly believe it’s where God meets us, talks to us, and makes us feel his love.

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Possitive Energy!

I saw this banner and I was immediately attracted to it’s style.. it makes you feel the energy!! I work alot around energy and connection… energy to me is about how things feel around me… is it safe, is it cold, is it warm, is it inviting, or is it disconnecting? does the energy allow me to talk freely, or is it so thick that I revert back to my old way of silence? For me, energy in a room sets the mood, it tells me whether or not I need to scan or just be.

I feel that connection and energy are 2 separate things… connection is how you feel connected to a person… energy is about the feel of the  space you are in.. the energy has nothing to do with the person, but everything to do with the space the person is in. My mood fluctuates all the time through site, smell, and energy in the room.. I am always looking for “positive” energy to work off of, so that the connection to the people around me is just as positive..

I guess this comes with the territory of being a person who struggles with PTSD… you learn both what energy and connection is like.. you cannot have one without the other, it’s possible, but it’s alot more work. Everyday I try and think of the possitive energy around me.. it’s a challenge but I really try. When I saw this banner, I thought about my work, and how this pertains to my everyday life.


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A Home Well Lived in

We love our new home.. we just recently moved about 2 months ago, 5 houses down, into a newly built home. I thought I was moving into a smaller house, but in real, I think it’s slightly bigger.. it still has 4 bedrooms, with a finished basement and a livingroom that is off the masterbedroom… I have to say it’s more our style.

one of the things that make my house a home, is the portraits that I have in every room. I am not done putting up all the portraits just yet, but it’s getting there! I make a theme of photos around the house, to show what our life is like through photographs! I think it’s the best feature in a home.  One of my favorite parts of the house is the FOYER where there is a painted tree with portraits.. lots of photos, and candles.. I am still working on adding more photos.

The kitchen is big and has bar-stools.. we I turned the livingroom into a photography room because I am not one that really likes having a “dining room”.. I cannot see eating in a room with RUG.. so we decided to do bar-stools and we all eat together in the kitchen.. it’s fun and easy living!

I love a house that is lived in.. I dontwant a showcase home, I dont want to cover my furniture in plastic.. a home is meant to be lived in.. I love a home to feel inviting – like my photoswhere I show what our life is like through portraits!!







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God’s Home

I heard a wonderful quote today in church, and I have not stopped thinking about it since… the quote was

“Church is not a club for saints, but a hospital for sinners”

How true is that? people think that if you go to church that is automatically makes you a worthy person of God in his eyes.. people think that all the “good” people go to church.. but in real, we need to look at church as a hospital for sinners.. we go there to be in gods word, be around God’s people; all in unity to show your love for him and the people and most of all yourself. Church is a place to pray for the sins that take over you, the sinner that all of us have inside of us.. we always try and be “good” people “sin-free” people, but we all have sin.. church is not a place for saints, people are not saints, they are sinners, but when you go to church, you are showing that you are gods child, capable of SIN and FORGIVENESS!

So the next time you go to church, keep in mind that, it’s far from a perfect place for perfect people, it’s far from a place for saints… it’s simply a home ; a hospital for sinners.. people seeking to fill their heart with good, to replace the bad.. to find wholeness within themselves in the presence of God.

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Life in Transfiguration

Father Larry spoke in the Homily on Sunday about “Transfiguration” .. what does that mean for us today? God took 3 of his disciples and brought them up to the mountain-top to show them a glimpse of what “Heaven” is, the glory of god shining before them.. God wanted to give them a feel for what GLORY is.. The disciples said, we should stay here, build 3 tents and be in this glory.. but God said to them “NO” .. You need to go back down off the mountain and go through life to get to this glorious place..

How that pertains to life today, is we know what the GLORY of God can do for us, if we follow.. we hear and have faith in what Peter, James and John saw.. the glory of god, what heaven is like, what the peace of being at the top of the mountain can do for us.

God’s word was “you need to come down from the mountain”.. go through the trenches of life, so that you can be at the top of the mountain and be in gods glory.

When I heard this, I wondered how it pertained to my life.. have I ever been a the top of the mountain to see what it could be like? I think I have been maybe a few feet from the bottom.. but I spent most of my time “trenching” through life trying to find my way. The journey that I have been on seems awfully far from the top.. there are days I don’t want to go to the mountain.. Because I think to myself “how can God create such work for me?” .. if this is the trenches, what is hell? I don’t want to know.

I imagine that being on the mountain top is the reward for the hard work we do to get closer to god.. and in the harder times you wonder if you can actually do it. I am faced against that challenge everyday – “can I do this?” “How much more do I have to fight to prove I am worth Gods glory of having some peace?” ….. there is a part of me that asks God for only one day, maybe a part of the mountain, not the top, but maybe 10 feet up, on a ledge where I can overlook something to give me more hope to go forward.

This Homily really hit me in more ways than one.. a part of me wants to keep fighting for that mountain-top.. and the other part of me wonders if I have any more “trenches” left in me. When is enough, enough?

Transfiguration I think is a sign of courage.. to come off that mountain top…. but the hard part is, what if you have no idea what it looks like? That is where “faith” comes in.. you have to vision what it’s like.. have faith in what it’s like.. and most of all – have faith in GODS word.

Everyday I wake up and I fight for even the SMALLEST glimpse of the mountain top through my healing.. It’s been a hard trench that is for sure, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder, why my trench is VERY high and VERY tiresome.. I just want a SMALL glimpse to give me hope.. so I continue to put my love and faith in God.. everyday.

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