31 Days {Day 11, 12, & 13} – Being GOOD enough!

BOKwwUR-FaceBook-CoverI am writing 3 days at one time as I have had a couple of days of downtime, literally, emotionally, and some out of my control.

For the past couple of days, my blog server has been down for maintenance off and on and I haven’t been able to update my blog on the time it was up and running, and when I did have time, the network was down.

I freaked out at first, but then I let it be okay! It’s good enough that I am working hard to write for the 31 days, and sometimes things are out of your control.

I also had a dear friend coming in from out-of-town and stayed with me for the past 6 days, and I really wanted to focus my time on her – although I did try to write the 31 days in between.

My Friend left early this morning to the airport and I am taking this day to get caught up on writing, and many other things.

I think sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to be okay with things that don’t work out as they plan.

When my friend first got here, I panicked wondering when I would have time to post my 31 days, and not only that but run my group “together we blog” and at the same time keeping up with ‘Tuesday at Ten” and everything else I am involved in!

When the network went down and my blog was offline off and on the past couple of days, it was then I said “this is whats going on, and me writing a blog for 3 days will have to be good enough!” .. we can’t always be in control of what is in front of us, so it’s up to us to let that be okay and keep moving forward.

The 31 writing day challenge is not about being perfect or having our writing posted exactly before midnight “or else” .. this is a writing challenge that shows us, life does get in the way, and more important things do happen, but we can still work around those challenges and still write and be a part of.

This 31 days is about letting it be good enough for the blogs we do write; knowing we are doing an incredible job every day to write  and connect with others. It’s not here to make us perfect, but yet show the times we fall short as well.

That’s what the 31 day writing challenge is for me … it’s about being ME, living the life I am in – even if I miss a day or two; having to write a couple of days together.

I know many people who are struggling to stay above water in this 31 day challenge and stressing out over it.. you just have to let it go and do the best you can, because your writing and your thoughts are GOOD enough!

Sometimes you just have to let the “down time” be okay, whether it’s for yourself or out of your control.

I will continue to keep writing, and if I fall short a day or 2 because life got in the way, well that is okay too because it’s GOOD ENOUGH to be right where I am in – in the middle of life’s grace and life’s mess.

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31 Days {Day 9 & 10} ???? Connecting with a friend

newkarenjenI have been a little behind on my 31 days because I have a friend here from out of town that I haven’t seen in 6 years, and she is here for 6 days.

Jennifer (JENSHIM) and I have been good friends for over 9 years now, she is from West Virginia so I don’t get to see her as often as I would like; although we talk everyday by text.

With me going through the isolation I have gone through the past couple of years, I pushed away a lot of my friends in fear of others seeing the hard space I was in, so I isolated even those who mean a lot to me or those who I am close to.

This is the first time I have welcomed someone into my space since the isolation, and I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for seeing past the isolation and how I feel about myself to have someone in my space for 6 days.

I have set up good boundaries during the visit, I plan to still do my therapy during the week this week, and I made sure I told her my schedule so that I can still feel a sense of things being within a safe schedule for myself, but at the same time I am allowing myself to step out and do things a little different as well.

We have had a pretty good time so far! She does Yoga and I do writing so it’s a good mix of our time while she is here. I think its working out great so far, and I am proud that I am really working hard to step out of the isolation just enough to heal from some things I have struggled with.

One of those things is “eating a little more”. The past 2 years while I have been isolated and depressed my eating has really decreased and eating has become hard for me. I have stuck to very small meals; only being able to have 2 bites per meal, and that has really effected me and my home life. Since Jen has been here, I have been following her eating a little – eating breakfast and a little more at dinner.

I think this visit is a good way for me to continue taking steps out of this hard place I have been in, and not only that, but it helps me to understand a little of what I have been struggling with, helping me to understand where the isolation begins and where connection takes off from that.

This is a healing experience for sure.

There have been times I have gotten a little quiet while she has been here, but I know that is normal as I work through having someone in my space again.

4 years ago this wouldn’t have been any problem for me. I was outgoing and loved being connected to people and friends and even eating was something I enjoyed to do with friends.

Sometimes looking back on those moments and realizing how hard it is today is really hard for me because this is not who I am today – I don’t like to isolated myself from others and I am working so hard to move out of what the past couple of years has done to me.

So as I am spending time with a good friend this week, it’s a blessing and a curse, I feel great being with someone I am close to, enjoying the time of being connected, but at the same time it makes me realize just how disconnected and isolated I have been the past couple of years ..

I know it’s healing, looking at it that way sometimes help – that this is the path of finding the old me again. Sometimes you need to step into what was familiar no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

So as I continue to spend time with a friend this week, I will still write and give myself the familiar space to be who I need to be – at the same time taking steps to re-connect.

“You will never feel alone, if you run down the stairs of loneliness; as every solitary step becomes your companion.” ― Munia Khan

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31 Days {Day 8} ???? FAVORITE QUOTES Part 2

finding-joyI did this last week and everyone seemed to love the quotes I posted, so here goes with some more of my favorite quotes and thoughts.

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts” – Eleanor Roosevelt

you know you have made the right decision when there is true peace in your heart” – Sabina

“Fear can make us stay up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow”

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you made. if you want a different result, make a different choice

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions

“The enemy always fights the hardest when he knows God has something great in store for you”

Its the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee

Feelings that come back, are feelings that never went away

If God is for us, who can be against us”

How big is this problem on a scale of one to God?

“Within you is the power to rise above any situation or struggle, and transform into the Brightest, Strongest version of you EVER!”

There will always be people trying to drag you backwards. Stay strong and move forward. You deserve to be a butterfly not a caterpillar

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars.” -Kahlil Gibran

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind”

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31 Days {Day 7} ???? Matthew 5:15

shineHave you ever heard words that just hit you all day and resonated with you so much that you couldn’t stop thinking about it?

I heard the bible version Matthew 5:15 “put your light on a candlestick, not under a bushel” “Let your light shine”.

Being a part of this 31 days of writing really feared me as my blog and my writing had its consequences a couple of years ago.

But what I have learned this past year is, my words do nothing in isolation! Connection is about writing no matter who see’s you, be who you are, do what makes you shine!

“Let your light shine so brightly that other can see their way out of the dark.”

I love writing, and this past year – not writing for months and months really did create a big hole and void in my heart. I let fear win, and then I realized not only was I creating a void in me, but I was also disconnecting with my readers; those who do get something from my writing.

Not only did I write for others by connection, but I also wrote as a part of my healing Journey.

A couple of years ago I would write in my blog every night and share those writings in therapy with my therapist and that really created a sense of healing for me. It let all the words be put out into the room to be heard and something about sharing that with my therapist in the room just him and I, it was a beautiful thing, and I have missed that this year. I miss what it does for me.

So when I heard the bible verse today, I thought about my blog “let the words shine, let others see your words and connect with them as well” … there is something about those words that just bring me out into the light and out from the dark these fears have instilled in me.

It feels good to be writing day 7 … a week now I have been writing and I have to admit, the connection feels familiar – a good familiar.

Don’t let anyone dim your light out of fear … let your light shine so others can find their way out of the dark.

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31 Days {Day 6} ???? my favorite quotes

7c2371eefe65fc8932ca2a141bef8c1aI love words! I love the wisdom it brings, I love the way they make me think, I love the way words just come together to create meaning – its why I love to write.

I spend a lot of time reading quotes online. I have a whole folder filled with pictured quotes and whenever I am struggling, I look back on those to gain some insight and wisdom around whatever struggles I am going through.

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes, I hope that some of them resonate with you.. so today I am reflecting on some of my favorite quotes, and will post more every Saturday morning.

“Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.” – Harriet Lerner

“We may not understand why we suffer or be able to control the forces that caue our suffering, but we can have a lot to say about what the suffering does to us, and who we become because of it” – Kushner

“We all waste our lives trying to avoid suffering. Instead, we should wrestle with our suffering and refuse to let it go until we have received a blessing from it” – Blog Writer unknown

“When we no longer have to push our darkness back down beneath layers of shame our darkness doesn’t stand a chance”

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation” – Wayne Dyer

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness, and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns” – Anne Lamott

“Hope begins in the dark” – Anne Lamott

“Change always happens when you come down from the clouds, and deal with the messiness of life” – Jeff Goins

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our own story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do” – Brene Brown

“Connection is the energy created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued – when they can give and receive without judgment” – Brene Brown

“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness” – Brene Brown

“We can’t selectively numb out emotions, you numb the dark, you also numb the light” – Brene Brown

“Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know” – Pema Chodron

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to let another person or event control your emotions” – Pema Chodron

“Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel”

“Connection is merely an action of being in the moment with what is here no matter what it is” – me Karen Courcy

“Feelings are information not emergencies” – Andy D.

“If God is for us, who can be against us” – Romans 8:31

“Grace calls us to do things that we have no desire or power to do, and then gives us the willingness and ability to do them”

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31 Days {Day5} ???? unprocessed feelings part 2

2a9040f0c213ab76950bdd49f0404828The feelings I wrote about in yesterdays blog really opened my heart and my eyes to understand a few things of what I have been going through this past year.

I truly believe that God opens our eyes to see things through messages and events in our lives.

That phone call I had with my sister yesterday when realizing that I have unprocessed feelings about my moms death – really woke me to a new understanding that its not just about my mom, but there are other emotions deep within that create a subconscious disconnection to self.

Its no surprise that this past year has been hard on me I have felt really disconnected in many ways and I feel numb to a lot of things that are having n effect on me and my every day life.

I think I have a lot of unprocessed things going on inside that need voice, need a place to heal, need a place to be felt and understood more.

Like the quote above says “the thing about pain is, it demands to be felt” .. no matter how hard you tr and bury feelings (conscious or subconscious) they will always find a way to be felt, and sometimes those unprocessed feelings turn inward and disconnect us from everyone and everything we love.

In session my therapist talked about unprocessed feelings and he was in awe of what message I was feeling from God .. it all made sense to the struggle I have been having this year which is “connection with others” “being isolated to activities I used to love” “not eating much” “wanting to be alone rather being around others” “not showing up to the places that used to make me happy” .. those are all signs that I am disconnected and I have known that this year, I just didn’t know WHY.

I feel I finally understand WHY and my talk with my sister last night really woke me up to see that I am disconnected and I need to find a way to process feelings that I believe have gone inward. its scary and exciting because healing can happen, and I finally understand why this year has been so hard on me.

The death of my mom really hit me hard, but a part of me is in denial thinking she is still at home in bed sick like she has been for years and years. The same goes with something that happened a couple of years ago that really disconnected me – I think I am still holding pieces of these emotions and feelings – unprocessed feelings that need space and healing.

I heard a woman talk once about how, we can keep putting band-aids over a open wound, but unless you let it have air to heal, it will never heal the way it needs to heal. Emotions and feelings are the same – you need to give it light to move it from the dark.

I’m not sure what this all looks like, but I believe I am on the right path to processing these unprocessed feelings.

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31 Days {Day 4} ???? unprocessed feelings

04a505de591a679e278ff93c5e814c86Tonight my sister and I had a conversation that hit us both hard, but it was a conversation that we needed to have – talking about the night my mom passed away and how that effected us.

I think when someone close to us passes away, we are so caught up in the hype of being supportive to family and going through the process of that death, that we never process the feelings and emotions that go along with the loss.

I wasn’t there when my mom passed away this past January. I live down in Georgia, and my family lives in NH, and the night she passed away, I wasn’t able to have that moment with her like everyone else did.

I asked my sister to tell me the details of what happened that night, and hearing the story was harder to hear than I thought, and it hit my sister all over again too as tears filled the phone call.

I think it’s something that her and I needed to re-visit, but it left a whole in my heart tonight. I told my husband how I felt really depressed tonight, but maybe its not being depressed but more so processing feelings that needed to be processed.

My mom was sick for a long long time, and I always knew the day would come, and my sister and I both thought we were ready for this day as we prepared for it for so so long.. but nothing can really prepare you for losing a mother.

My moms death has hit me a lot harder than I am letting on. I think I have  a lot of un-processed feelings that I have yet to process and its something I am going to have to talk to Andy my therapist about.

I think there is something here that needs to be healed, I’m just not sure what that is yet. There is a void and that void is taking over something else in my life and I need to find out what that is.

I am still numb from my mom’s death and its been 8 months … this phone call my sister and I had really woke me up to the void that is here and to the possibility of healing that could really change what is going on deep inside.

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31 Days {Day 3} ???? writing is a vulnerable process

11382922_582294085244403_1688520786_nI read a blog this morning and this woman wrote about how she paid a consequence for her writing, and her opinions, and how that almost destroyed her.

It really opened my eyes as to just how vulnerable we are when we write in our blog and let the world see us from within.

The quote by Brene’ Brown fits this blog writing perfectly. Writing is about being vulnerable, and having the courage to show up and be seen for who you are and what your deepest thoughts are.

I myself suffered consequences for my writing on so many levels, and it’s a huge reason as to why I have taken a back seat to my writing this past year!

But the one thing I have really come to realize the past couple of days is this – “I am not responsible for how others react to the truth of what I write! I am only responsible for speaking my truth and being the most honest version of myself I can be.

When I first began writing in my blog I feared that my truth would hurt others, or my truth would be too much for others to read. I feared my words being seen for something it wasn’t, or even afraid that my words were not enough to really make my truth shine – but then I came to realize, whatever my truth is, however I wrote it, no mater what words I put out there to be seen – it’s my truth and it’s my story and that is good enough!

being told since I was a little girl that “no one will ever believe me” or “no one will listen” really haunted me for years, so much that when I first began therapy I struggled to connect out of the fear  that those lies and old messages they told me would be true.

But they weren’t! I was heard, I did tell my story, and the best part – I was believed!

I have been telling my story for the past 8 years in therapy now, and every word has made a thin scar over the wound that felt open for years.

I took to my blog to make my voice even bigger and to connect with others who shared a similiar story, and in doing that, I paid a huge consequence; one that isolated me and triggered me into silence once again – until now.

This morning, when reading that woman’s blog, it reminded me that, the most important process of this healing journey I am on is being heard is using my voice to shed light away from the lies and onto the truth.

Coming back to my blog and writing is certainly a vulnerable process once again – but this time, I am not holding myself responsible for anything but my own truth, and that is all God ever wants from us, is to be the best version of who he created us to be.

It’s not going to be easy, and I am sure it will be a bumpy ride at times, but at least I am not longer silencing my voice to the isolation any longer – rather I am using it to reconnect to others and my truth once again.

I can’t wait to see where these 31 days and beyond take me.

 

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