31 Days of Finding My Voice (Day 2)- Rejection

I wasn’t sure I was going to write about this or not, but this 31 days of “Finding My Voice” is about just that – speaking and writing about the things I wouldn’t usually use my voice to speak.

What could be harder than rejection? Telling others you were rejected! It’s that feeling of embarrassment and shame. It’s allowing others to see that you were not accepted, or chosen – like putting a spotlight on something people possibly can’t see and allowing them to see it.

Like some of you know, I applied to go on a retreat, and you had to answer some pretty hard questions, and those questions were vulnerable and raw! I wanted to be a part of this significant and big retreat not just for the retreat itself, but to be a part of in this place and space in my journey right now.

I waited and waited to find out if I was one of the chosen to be sent an invitation … they promised us an answer by the 15th of September, and then they pushed it to the 29th as they had an overwhelming amount of people apply. I waited and looked at my email every time it chimed! I wanted this more than anything.

I spend a good couple of sessions talking about it in therapy with my therapist, and he knew just how important this retreat would have been to me. I opened myself up to him about just WHY this meant so much to me and how I felt about it. He got it .. he is one of the people who gets it, and understands just what this meant to me. Applying for this retreat felt like a huge part of my journey – it was a big damn deal as my therapist would put it :) – – – and it was.

I found out Friday that I was NOT one of the people chosen to go on this retreat. Some may see it as significant odds (350 selected out of the 3700 people who applied). Some people may say “maybe the next one” or some may say “it wasn’t about you and who you are”! Well for ME, putting myself out there to apply for this retreat was a HUGE step for me. Letting myself be seen in the answers to the hard questions they asked, and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the rejection that may happen?

I took it a lot harder than I thought I would! I thought I was prepared for it! I prayed about it! I kept telling myself and the inner child within me “if I don’t get chosen, it’s not about my worth, I am a good person deserving of this!”

All those positive thoughts got washed away when I read the denial email that kindly said, “it’s with our heavy heart to say” and “maybe next year” or “but please know you are on our waiting list” – The generic email sent to all the people who didn’t get it!

I cried for what seemed like forever! That old familiar feeling as a little child running to my room as fast as I could to get to a safe space to cry being unseen! It felt all too familiar with my past!

All those positive words I swore I would feel washed away in that moment of rejection! I felt hurt! It wasn’t just about the retreat! It wasn’t just about what the retreat was for! It was about being chosen for allowing myself to be vulnerable to the questions asked on the form! It was about someone choosing me and saying “this woman is deserving of this space and or “she is good enough to be a part of this retreat!”.

It FELT horrible. Then came letting others know that “I was not chosen”, which felt even worse! What will others think?

My therapist, of course, was nothing short of supportive, caring, and had open arms, heart, eyes, and ears to how I felt. His first response was “THEY made a HUGE mistake!” HE gets the story and the wounds this hurt comes from, and I so appreciate him for that.

My friends and family love me to the ends of the earth to know that this did hurt – but some people don’t understand why it hurt so much.

So what do I do with these heavy feelings? Well, I do what I always do … OVERCOME! I move thru it and find ways to rise above!

My therapist wants me to honor my feelings and continue talking about it because this is too important not to talk about! I just want to run past it, but something tells me he is right. I need to show the young part and myself that I don’t need to shove my feelings away. This is how I feel, and I am worthy of talking about it.

I have to say, writing about this tonight feels pretty raw and vulnerable … something I would never do before is to write about rejection! But maybe this is the first step in healing, and showing the inner self that it’s OK to feel and it’s ok to be sad and hurt without consequences.

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31 Days of Finding My Voice {Day 1} – The Challenge

It’s another year of the October “31 Days Writing Challenge” and I have decided to take the plunge! I have to admit. I was really hesitant

I have to admit, I was really hesitant over whether I was going to do it again this year, its not easy writing every day for 31 days. Heck I have a hard enough time writing once a month! but I am up to the challenge, because this journey I am on, has always been about taking chances, pushing through, and mostly finding my voice.

This 31 days challenge of “Finding my Voice” is about letting whatever is here in my mind speak to the space of this challenge, this blog. My writing has always been about that – but this is on a deeper level. Most of the time I write when I feel up to it, or find the words to the blog – but this challenge is about pushing through to use my voice even on the days its hardest to write.

I can’t promise I will make it through the whole 31 days, but I am going to try my hardest, I am going to make it my own personal challenge, and maybe that will help me grow this blog to where it used to be years ago when I wrote daily.

Maybe this challenge is not just about finding my voice, but finding the courage to be even when the moment doesn’t feel right, and pushing myself to connect even on days I dont want to connect.

One of the things I love most about this challenge is the connection is creates with others. You connect with so many different people on this challenge who are all out to do the same thing – connect, and write and push themself to the limits of putting your thoughts out there – even on days you wouldn’t normally write. We are all in the same boat and that is an awesome connection.

So come back every day and see what words and thoughts find this space! I look forward to connecting with others on this 31 day challenge.

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31 Days {Day 31} It’s Good Enough

06d245ed490fd8f2273acecddaaac399Today is the last day in the 31 day writing challenge, and I am writing this one blog for the last 4 days I missed – and that is GOOD ENOUGH!

I think years ago I would have been so critical of myself for nothing finishing or doing something RIGHT to the standards of what is accepted, but today I am learning, that “whatever I can do, is good enough” .. because I at least tried my hardest.

This writing challenge was not easy! I had to push myself many nights to get in a writing that I didn’t feel like writing! There were also some times that I enjoyed it – like connecting with others and their writings.

I do have to say, I think this is the last year I am participating in this writing challenge. I feel it really does put a force on something that is supposed to be an internal connection with self, meaning: I think the 31 day challenge forces us to write when writing is supposed to be something you do out of connection to yourself, to others and to the thoughts that are within.. the 31 day challenge forces us to write even when we don’t feel like it, and I think it ruins the reason for writing!

Of course this is my opinion; but one that I feel strongly about.

I have read so many people really stressing over this writing challenge and some people have given up because they couldn’t handle the pressure.

A lot of people lost their readers because everyone got so tied up in having to write vs reading. There were some others who run weekly link-up’s (like myself) who lost their writers because of the 31 day challenge.

A lot of writers were BURNT out, and to be honest what is the fun in that?

I think it’s too long to be honest. I think maybe a week challenge or a 2 week writing challenge would be good enough, but a whole month? I think it’s just too much and I think next year I am going to pass.

But I look back on what I did write, and I have to say, I did good enough and I am happy with what I did write. I missed a few days and I had to pull together a couple of days into one writing, but that too is good enough because I tried and I connected.

I am PROUD of those who did stick it out ..I have many friends who did make the whole 31 days (although they did stress as well) they did a great job!!

I think one of the biggest benefits of this writing challenge is, I met some new wonderful people .. and for that I am truly blessed!

So now that the 31 day writing challenge is over, what now? I will revamp my Tuesday at Ten, and I will write when the connection and good vibe to write is there .. when I feel it in me to write about something I want my voice to speak – not because I have to meet a challenge.

I think this is also a good time to go back and read some of the other great blogs out there now that we have some time …..

I hope you all enjoyed the days I could write! I look forward to getting back into my own routine of writing.

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