31 Days {Day 23} Finding New Trust

770776b96b98399f05dcaac1c1759ed9It has taken me a very long time to accept that I have an inner young child within me; an inner child that everyone has, only mine is stuck and has been stuck since she was 5 years old!

Stuck in the old messages, stuck in the old feelings, stuck in the old fears and disconnection. Stuck in the world where “no one is safe” “nothing is safe” and “everyone lies and hurts“.

This year has been a lot of accepting of that inner young child work that I have been doing in therapy, and I can finally say “I do have a young inner child”.

The moment I became accepting to this, it became easier to see and feel when the young part in me hears old messages and lies; those lies that stop me (the adult me) from being who I need to be.

I have been working very hard to change those old messages, listen to them, hear them, be with the fear that the young inner child is feeling and working with that by replacing it with truth and a safe connection.

Not always easy, and sometimes very painful – but she’s getting there.

This past Thursday in session, I finally began feeling like the younger inner child is finally having this big trust for my therapist – after 8 years of work together, I think the young part is finally beginning to trust the process of the work we do, and trusting my therapist and the connection he offers and the words he speak

This is a big deal!!!!

 

A lot of times the young inner child within me really puts messages in my head that are really hard to battle sometimes. There will be times when I want to take steps, but something won’t allow me, and I am finally realizing it’s the younger me holding onto old messages and lies and steering my course to healing – when I the adult me wants to move forward!

Its a constant battle

 

My therapist has told me many times that everyone has an inner child, only some people have an inner child who has grown up along side of the adult they have become. Sometimes that inner child will show up in the fun side of the adult we can be – the adult who wants to play or be funny, or just wants to BE!

My inner child doesn’t know what its like to be loved, cared for, playing and having fun, enjoying being a kid! She only knew the abuse, the lies, the fear and abandonment! She stopped growing and got stuck inside those fears while I grew up NUMB and afraid to connect with others.

Until 8 years ago, when I got the help I knew I needed!!

 

Today, even after 8 years, it’s still a hard process, but one that is becoming easier to journey. I am slowly noticing the difference between messages I hear that are from the past vs messages I hear from the truth today. It’s a process that takes time.

I felt something Thursday when hearing my therapist talk about something and there was a quiet joy inside, it was “her listening and not battling me with the old messages… she allowed me to hear and even believe which was SO different!

It didn’t stop from old messages getting in the way the next day or even today, but you know what? that one moment of that inner child just allowing me to stop, listen, and hear truth while allowing me to feel connection in a hug that I could feel and trust from my therapist was GOOD and was REAL and it’s something to hold hope in!

It Begins!

 

the journey has taken a new turn and I am excited yet scared about what is next.

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31 Days { Day 22 } TBT My Journey to Healing

JPEG image-9FC261C894A9-1I thought I would use this day 22 as a THROWBACK THURSDAY, to post a past blog writing that I love: So here goes!

I wrote this April 2015, about my healing journey. I thought this post fit perfectly for the place I am in right now.

MY JOURNEY TO HEALING
{April 18th 2015}

This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist.

It hasn’t been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn’t always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it’s about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can’t heal your past, you can’t fix it, nor can you change what happened – but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It’s because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can’t say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn’t even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist – he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in – BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont’ lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome – I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It’s true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it’s not a destination, there is no time frame for healing – it’s a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It’s therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process… not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be – who God intended me to be.

 

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31 days {day 21} shed light on darkness

3f6e9d2a66e445ccf8dad16273e52af3One of the things that my therapist and I have worked so hard on the past couple of months is using my voice as a way to talk about things so that they are no longer in darkness – rather in the light to heal.

Yes that’s what therapy is about, but I feel I have been talking about things on a much deeper level in therapy.

My therapist has said to me lately “you are talking about things like I have never heard you talking about them before” and I really do get what he means by that, because I have never felt healing happening as I have before.

There is a difference between “talking about something”vs “talking about something being fully connected to self, to my therapist and fully connected to the room and the space around me.

I remember years ago, just talking about something hard would numb me so much that it took days or weeks to talk about something hard! today is so different, I feel it, I talk about it in that moment … not letting the darkness keep it from the light – rather giving it light from darkness.

This feels like a different kind of healing! Learning to trust the process and realizing that when we shed light on darkness, its less suffering in the dark the quicker you shed light on it.

I have really learned from my work with my therapist that, I am NOT alone,  I don;t have to be alone in it, and the sooner I shed light on how I feel, the less I have to be in it. NO talking about it doesn’t make the hurt or the sadness or even the anger go away, but what it does is, makes it less powerful over me! The more you shed light on it, the less the hurt can survive – because it’s out there and known, and no longer in the dark place of quietness, walls, weight or shame!

It has taken me a long time to get here …. but I am really seeing such a huge difference when I go into therapy and just open up and let my therapist know right away whats going on inside and how healing that feels vs me holding it alone and feeling disconnected.

My therapist Andy is amazing and I am so blessed that he has really shown me what healing looks like in the light vs the dark! He has truly helped me to see and feel the difference.

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31 Days { Day 19 } ???? balancing truth and grace

grace-and-truth-8x8-insert3dMy struggle has always been about choosing between truth and grace.

Do I talk about my anger? express my anger? express my true feelings? talk about how I really feel, or do I lead with grace for the protection of others and sometimes the protection of self?

It’s a constant battle between using my voice in truth, and or living in silence out of fear!

I grew up believing that my anger was wrong, my feelings didn’t matter, I wasn’t allowed to talk about anything, I was silenced and because I grew up with that belief, I always put grace before my truth, grace before my anger or my feelings.

Always seeing the good in anyone even if there was no good to see. Always seeing the brighter side to a situation even if it was dark – forcing myself to see that bit of light – no matter how much anger festered up inside of me.

Today I do the same thing! I always find a way to see grace before truth, but there is a small part of me that is beginning to see the consequences of not allowing myself truth before grace, and how anger seeps thru the many cracks grace leaves open!

Is it possible to have both? is it possible to find grace in anger; to find grace in my true feelings of how I really feel? Is it possible to speak how I feel, and the grace being a part of that truth?

Today in session I felt my anger seeping through that grace of trying to see positive side of something, and just how ANGRY I am about many things! Ears burning, face feeling flush with anger, and yet I didn’t want to let that grace go …

Maybe I don’t have to let go of that grace!

Maybe the truth of my feelings IS the grace! Because God would never want me to be short of who I truly am or how I feel, he would never want me to hurt inside for the sake of others. I don’t believe God woks that way

There isn’t much grace in swallowing my feelings just to see the good in everything and everyone … that kind of grace hurts me, and takes me out and away from who I am, and who I am meant to be.

I am ANGRY and I have a lot of anger inside!

it’s a hard process, because all I have ever known is swallowing my feelings to save grace; to not allow my truth in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be with anger, and speak anger, because of the harsh consequences I faced my whole life around my feelings, around anger, around hate! I wasn’t even allowed to use the word HATE!

I found Grace in everything; not allowing myself to be how I felt, or express those feelings out of great fear! so grace won! Grace, light and goodness in others always took precedence over my true self – fear won!

It scares me to speak truth of how I really feel, or to express anger I hold, and yet I am noticing that when I do speak truth and talk about my feelings, there is a grace that finds me – right in the middle of fear!

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31 Days { Day 18 } ???? being open and vulnerable

anais-nins-quotes-4As I sit here tonight, I am anticipating my therapy session tomorrow morning, which I don’t normally do as I let it just flow into the morning!

– tonight I sit with vulnerability as the past couple of sessions have been all about “being open and vulnerable; talking about how I feel no matter what it is”.

and… that has been big and scary – yet healing and relieving!

Being in therapy for 8 years now you would think I would have this routine down pat! You would think the anticipation of hard work in therapy would be as easy as a snap of a finger … but the truth is, when it comes to your true emotions and your true feelings that need a space to be felt and heard, you never get used to that – you only accept it more.

My therapist is so good at helping me to talk about things that reside within – even if he has to do some digging!

The past couple of weeks I have felt a lot of emotions and feelings right at the surface! I have felt a lot of pent up anger and bitterness, and they need a place to land besides within me – eating ME up.

It’s been a long time since I have felt these kind of emotions being surfaced, but the thing is, I have learned to see these feelings as “emotions” and not “emergencies”. Something inside of me is telling me “hey, you need to feel, and you have a safe space to talk about those feelings”

and I have learned to trust it.

Like the quote above says:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

It hurts more to keep these thoughts and feelings in, than it is to let them out and let them be heard and known.

I am anticipating tomorrow because we left off Friday with a really big session and we both agreed that I would let him HOLD the hardness of my feelings so I could go and have a peaceful weekend! Sometimes that works, but others times I just don’t know how to let someone else hold the hardness I feel inside.

This weekend, I let him hold onto my feelings and thoughts I began talking about in session Friday, and maybe that is why I am feeling more vulnerable – I have my true feelings and thoughts awaiting for me, but the good thing is, I have support to walk me back into it.

So, as I walk into the week of my therapy sessions this week, I will remind myself that, these feelings that are here, they don’t belong to reside in me, they deserve a place to land where they are heard, and seen and supported.

So I keep healing on . . . . one day, one session, at a time!

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31 Days { Day 17 } ???? back to my roots of writing

53f83c109c660072f8c7037617a744efOver the past couple of years I have changed the course of my writing and what I wrote about, and what this blog was about.

I began this blog over 6 years ago and my focus in writing was about my journey of healing; to write about my process of healing day to day and I wrote around my therapy sessions.

I wanted to give others a view into the world of healing and what my sessions and therapy was about. The good and the hard of healing, and the hope that goes along in that process.

2 years ago I was faced with a very hard situation to where my blog writing around therapy had it’s huge consequences and I basically isolated my writing all together for a while.

When I came back to writing I lost the love for the reasons I began this blog, and it was no longer serving the purpose that opened my heart to write and connect with others.

This morning I read a blog about this woman and her process in therapy, and it reminded me of what this blog was about years and years ago before my blog took a hard painful turn when someone found my blog who shared the same therapist as me  (YES! you read that right ..  but that is a story I no longer want to revisit or share, as this is now about taking steps forward, not looking back.)

Writing about my therapy was no longer something I felt free to do 2 years ago, and I filtered my every thought and process  . . . . . so I stopped writing about it, and when I stopped writing about it, there was a part of me that just fell into this huge void!

The whole reason I began this blog was to give myself the voice I never had since I was a young girl, and to use that voice to finally speak the words I could never write about, and writing about my healing process was healing and not only healing but I connected with others.

Writing in my blog was no longer serving the purpose I longed for… I feared to continue  writing about my therapy even though the woman who shared the same therapist as me was no longer sharing the same therapist as me. I still felt unsafe to write about my healing and the process….

Today while reading this woman’s blog about her healing process and her therapy reminded me of that good connection to self and others by really getting into touch with the healing that happens when you not only heal in therapy, but take that into writing and connect with others around the process.

I miss writing about my journey of healing. I miss reading my blogs in session, I miss connecting with others who are on the same path as me. I miss being able to take my once silent voice and use it as a way to show others “HEALING CAN HAPPEN” “IT IS HAPPENING” and “ITS POSSIBLE”!

I Have decided to take a step back into the very reason this blog was created! No longer filtering my thoughts or my voice out of fear .. this blog is my space to explore and connect the process of healing that I am still on! I have been on this process a long time, and I miss being able to share that process.

I am excited about this as my healing has taken so many changes over the past couple of years. I have grown and my healing has grown and I can’t wait to share with you all the process and to be as open as i want to to be regardless of fear, in SPITE of fear ..

This is my voice, my blog, and my space to be who I want to be .. I no longer want what happened 2 years ago to stop me from walking the path that God put in front of me.

I am ready to take that step again .. back to my roots of writing about my healing.

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31 Days { Day 16 } ???? when in doubt, aim high!

5620e35fe8d1eThis photo cracked me up when I saw my husband posted it as a joke on Facebook! I laughed and thought it was so cute!

The little bunny see’s the window, see’s a way to get out, and yet doesn’t know the distance is too far for his jump!

I wonder how many of us fall short of our expectations sometimes! We see something we want, were vulnerable and feel it’s too far to take the jump, it seems so far away to reach at times!

This is life sometimes isn’t it?

After I had the laugh around this photo, it made me realize how much of this photo is much like what I go through at times when I feel vulnerable, and life seems bigger than me – when I take a leap and fall short of my hopes!

But the thing is, I always take the jump even though I do fall short!

This bunny reminded me of what it’s like for me sometimes when I have these big expectations of wanting to take that leap towards what is on the other side of this isolation – sometimes I make the jump, and other times I don’t.

I am sure the bunny found a way to get back up and try again, and it’s so important to know that just because you don’t make the leap the 1st time, doesn’t mean you can’t keep trying.

Life is all about being vulnerable to things we can’t quite see in our distance – but taking the risk anyways.

Life is about knowing you can take chances even though it doesn’t work out the way we always want it to, but still knowing we are worthy of making the leap.

Life is about trusting ourselves enough to try and be patient with the process.

Life is about falling down, and getting back up as many times as it takes because the outcome is so worth the consequences of what good is ahead.

I have learned this process many times in my healing, in my life, in this process of life – and boy do I know what it feels like to jump and fall short of the place I wanted to land! But the thing is, I found connection to help me back up, and continued to set my eyes on the good even in the hardest of days.

So as you look at this photo and laugh at first because it’s so darn cute! This is what life is all about! This is what we are faced with in many situations in life; knowing its a hard process to fall, but a great celebration when we can get up and try again – hope IS with-thin reach, we just need to find our way to making that jump happen!

When in doubt, take the jump and aim high!

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31 Days {Day 14 & 15} More Quotes

2dae811355268bc1b70f00dedca34fe2As I round up the last 2 days that my company and friend was here visiting, I wrote down some thoughts on both days to post as a part of my 31 days of writing.

Now that my friend has gone back home, I have time again to write my 31 days on time.

During the visit with my friend, I wrote some more quotes down that I love, and wanted to share as a part of the quotes that I love to find online for inspiration.

Here are some quotes I gathered the past 2 days to share, I hope you enjoy them and find some inspiration in them as I did.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” –Mark Twain

“If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” –Vincent Van Gogh

“Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.” –Jesus

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” –Helen Keller

Happiness is not something ready-made.  It comes from your own actions. –Dalai Lama

“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” –Joshua J. Marine

Limitations live only in our minds.  But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless.” –Jamie Paolinetti

The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it. –Chinese Proverb

There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.” –Roger Staubach

“The battles that count aren’t the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself–the invisible battles inside all of us–that’s where it’s at.” –Jesse Owens

“If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough.” –Oprah Winfrey

You can’t use up creativity.  The more you use, the more you have. –Maya Angelou

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” –Martin Luther King Jr.

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