It’s always been said that forgiveness is about freeing yourself and not for the other person. That to forgive is letting yourself free from the burden, and putting it on the other person who holds the pain they cause you
I somewhat disagree.
I think it depends on who you are forgiving, and how much of a connection and relationship you have with that person. I truly believe that forgiveness takes 2 sides – to truly heal from it and forgive.
I think forgiveness takes many steps; many important steps to truly move through it not just for yourself, but for the other person.
I think in forgiving someone there is a stage of being heard. Talking about how you feel and why you felt hurt. I think there is also a part where the hearing has to come from the person who is hurt to hear the other person’s side, even if it makes us angry.
The next step is having feelings about it, and allowing yourself to have feelings about it. Talk to the other person about your feelings and let yourself be worthy enough to be heard.
I think worth plays a huge role in forgiveness, because to forgive someone means you care enough about yourself to accept that you were hurt and accept the feelings behind being hurt.
I think another step in forgiveness is an apology from the other person and how sincere that is. I think it truly takes accepting and worthiness of self to truly hear and accept an apology.
And then there is the repair between 2 people and how to build a stronger foundation for the relationship you care about.
I recently went through many steps of forgiving someone and it took some time. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of being heard, a lot of anger and sadness, more prayer, and I finally went to God and truly asked him to help me forgive someone I care very much about, and I heard God and I truly found the worthiness in my heart to forgive this person.
I knew I forgave because of how I felt about myself, and how it made me feel then reflected onto the person I care about and made me feel warm-hearted and a true forgiveness is made.
It doesn’t mean I forget, or I may not still have feelings about it. I think a true forgiveness is also about allowing each other the room to open it up and talk about it anytime IN that forgiveness.
Then you have the people in your life who hurt you so badly that there is no forgiveness. When I hear people say “you need to forgive the abusers of your past for you” .. I don’t believe in that. It doesn’t relieve me or make me feel free to forgive what was done to me, because there is no receptiveness on the other side.
If the people my past are truly are not sorry for what happened to me, I don’t feel like forgiveness free’s me, what does free me is finding the worth in myself to heal from it. Finding the worth to connect with people who “DO” love me and talk about it.
I think instead of forgiving those who are not sorry, instead giving myself room to heal the way I need to heal.
I find freedom in talking, writing, and connecting with those who do love me and support me, THAT is my freedom.
Yes the bible does say that God forgives us and we should forgive also, but I also think God understands our anger. Anger is NOT poison, anger is a right emotion for how I FEEL for what was done to me.
I do not forgive those who abused me, because they cannot find the worthiness in their heart to care enough to engage in a true forgiveness from me, and that is painful.
I find my freedom from them by doing the very thing I was deemed against doing my whole life and that is “talking about it” .. that is my form of forgiving. Giving myself permission to heal through speaking, being, connecting.
So I truly believe deep inside that there are different kinds of forgiveness , and sometimes there are people who hurt so much, that there is no repairing, because that takes 2 and I will not subject myself to anymore pain by begging someone for an apology who can’t see their wrong doing.
I choose to heal for ME and until that day comes when my abusers come to me and say “I am truly sorry”.. I am here to heal me and that is all I need.
I chose to forgive someone this past weekend who I am very close to, and because it was done with real care, a true apology, room to talk and be heard, and the knowing that I can talk about it anytime – THAT is true forgiveness and I feel it in my heart for me and the other person.
I think some may disagree and some may agree, but this is how I feel. I will never find freedom in forgiving those who hurt me that don’t care enough about my worth to say “I am sorry” .. that is their sin, not mine to hold. I choose to heal and work hard everyday to over-come the hardship this created in my life.