a place I’ve never been
Sometimes you have to come in realization that going through something hard, has an outcome of bringing you to a place you have never been.
For me, I have been through something in the past couple of days that has challenged me in every way possible – but allowing me to see glimpses of what I have never seen – me uncovered, vulnerable, open, not covered by anything but myself.
This blog has always been about my honesty, truth, authentic, grace and forwardness, but this time, I am putting trust in those who love and care about me to know that I found healing in a whole new way towards me, without having to go into detail.. this time the story is mine within.
It has been a tough couple of days, the toughest – but in that toughness I saw something, grabbed a hold of it, fought with it, trusted it, went with it, was supported through it, and here I am, coming out of it – this place I have never been.
In this new place, I have found many new things in my healing.. I am not afraid to cry, or to show it. It’s emotions I have never felt before, it’s different this time. I feel like a part of me has been uncovered, and I am feeling something that really doesn’t hurt after-all – emotions.
In this place that I have been challenged, I found out where my emotions were, and I accepted it, because it was for me, and no one else – not even her.
This thing I have been through in the past 3-4 days has allowed me to see myself in a way I have never seen myself, and although painful, it’s been an experience I cannot explain.
I have also realized that the people around me have always been there, loved me, and cared for me, but I never wanted to believe it.. until I heard my therapist say to me today “this is hard Karen, but your already on your path, you are already here”.
Have I mentioned that my therapist Andy is one of my favorite people who truly gives me hope in the hard?
I think in that moment I smiled and realize that I am here – in a path where pain is allowed, tears are OK, crying is OK, joy is OK, smiling is OK, love is OK, and I am OK, being seen in those emotions are OK; on that path to healing in a place I have never been before.
I looked at myself in the mirror today, and I saw something different.. a softer look to me, gentle and loving not as a reflection, but a person who was hidden, emerging out of this covered place I have been in for years – it just took realization to see it.
For the first time in 5 years of healing, I went into session later in the afternoon after already been there to work through something, and what I found was – emotions that were OKAY and I wasn’t scared for the first time ever.
I stood there with my therapist shoulder to shoulder, and for the first time, the tears didn’t burn, they felt healing – a place I have never been before. I was afraid to say that the tears didn’t hurt, because I myself couldn’t believe it in all of my life – but today, the tears did not hurt, they felt good.
So, like looking at my reflection in the mirror, like going through something hard in the past couple of days, like fighting through something hard to get to me, like feeling the tears for the first time ever in my life without pain – this is a place I have never been before, and I am still walking towards me – without being covered by anything but me.