a letter to my past
I cannot stand the way you control my thoughts and feelings!
Many times you have protected me, but at the same time you have suffocated me.
You have forced me to see things your way; but maybe now I want to see things my way.
You turn the words “you are loved” into “whats the catch?” When people say they care and support me, you make me think it’s for a price. When someone says “trust me” you make me second guess – always.
When people want to support me, you make it hard to accept, and if I do accept, you fill me with shame, guilt and regret.
You never let me have anything, without reminding me of what was behind it. It’s only when I see then, am I allowed to finally see now.
You choose what I hear, vs what I need or want. You shut down my emotions before I even have a chance to fully understand them.
You make all the decisions in my life, when all I want is the freedom to take those chances myself; without the what if, and or buts.
When I want to reach out to people in hard times, you make me feel dependent or needy. You make me believe that the only person I can depend on is myself, and sometimes that becomes too overwhelming.
No matter where I turn, you are there – right there! every minute of the day, every moment I shut my eyes, even when I sleep.
You remind me of the pain, the abandonment, the disappointments, the betrayal, the fear, the sadness and the hate!
You don’t allow me to accept anything; therefor I go without, sitting in the sadness of a deep want and need that you won’t let me have.
You make me believe that the only safe place to be is in your beliefs – which is the lies and the pain.
what about what I want?
Maybe I want to reach out for a hug and see what it feels like without numbing myself. Maybe for once I would like to get a hug without being forced to believe it’s for the other person, and not possibly for me.
maybe I want to trust the people I love without you making me think twice.
Maybe I want to reach out whenever I want to just because, without feeling an ounce of guilt, or there having to be a reason.
Maybe I want to be with my emotions without you reminding of the fear. maybe I just want to be me, without you being there at all.
Maybe I want to accept all the love, care and support around me, without feeling as if I have to do something in return.
You are a blessing and a curse. You hold me back from experiencing many things in life that I feel i deserve.
I realize you are there to protect me, but you also keep me from going forward towards the people I want to trust, and the safe things in life.
Everyday you control my thoughts and feelings, and maybe today I want to control my own thoughts and feelings.
Maybe it’s okay to cry? did you ever think about that?
Maybe it’s ok to be angry? what could possibly be the harm in that? don’t you think I have the right to angry after all this time?
Maybe its okay to accept, maybe it’s okay to just BE, maybe it’s ok to feel a hug, maybe I need to feel a hug.
I cannot stand the way you keep me from the things in life I could possibly enjoy, and how will I ever know if I am constantly behind your walls?
You force me to pull me away from the people I want to be with because you make me believe that being alone is the only safe option.
You wont allow me to trust the people I want to trust – not everyone is out to hurt me you know!
Although you have kept me safe at times, it’s time for me to take control over you now. No matter how much time that takes, I will find a way to accept, reach out, have emotions, trust, and be the way I want to be, think the way I want to think, and feel the way I want to feel.
It’s not easy living with you inside of me. It’s painful and it’s hard, and I have to find a way to talk you out of me!
And although you may never completely go away, I can surely push you aside.
Today I will accept, I will have emotions, I will walk towards, I will talk about, I will allow myself to be loved, and I will connect without you telling me that I can’t or it’s not safe.
Yes it may be scary, and yes it may be hard, but let me decide if it’s a risk I want to take, because after-all, it’s my life – right here, right now.
So maybe you are still here, and maybe at times you will be needed, and I am sure I will fall short and lean back on you in scary times… but right now, I am bigger than you are, and you are nothing but something that just stands in the way.
I want to go forward – by my choice, not yours.
– A letter to my past.