Jennifer (JENSHIM) and I have been good friends for over 9 years now, she is from West Virginia so I don’t get to see her as often as I would like; although we talk everyday by text.
With me going through the isolation I have gone through the past couple of years, I pushed away a lot of my friends in fear of others seeing the hard space I was in, so I isolated even those who mean a lot to me or those who I am close to.
This is the first time I have welcomed someone into my space since the isolation, and I have to say I am pretty proud of myself for seeing past the isolation and how I feel about myself to have someone in my space for 6 days.
I have set up good boundaries during the visit, I plan to still do my therapy during the week this week, and I made sure I told her my schedule so that I can still feel a sense of things being within a safe schedule for myself, but at the same time I am allowing myself to step out and do things a little different as well.
We have had a pretty good time so far! She does Yoga and I do writing so it’s a good mix of our time while she is here. I think its working out great so far, and I am proud that I am really working hard to step out of the isolation just enough to heal from some things I have struggled with.
One of those things is “eating a little more”. The past 2 years while I have been isolated and depressed my eating has really decreased and eating has become hard for me. I have stuck to very small meals; only being able to have 2 bites per meal, and that has really effected me and my home life. Since Jen has been here, I have been following her eating a little – eating breakfast and a little more at dinner.
I think this visit is a good way for me to continue taking steps out of this hard place I have been in, and not only that, but it helps me to understand a little of what I have been struggling with, helping me to understand where the isolation begins and where connection takes off from that.
This is a healing experience for sure.
There have been times I have gotten a little quiet while she has been here, but I know that is normal as I work through having someone in my space again.
4 years ago this wouldn’t have been any problem for me. I was outgoing and loved being connected to people and friends and even eating was something I enjoyed to do with friends.
Sometimes looking back on those moments and realizing how hard it is today is really hard for me because this is not who I am today – I don’t like to isolated myself from others and I am working so hard to move out of what the past couple of years has done to me.
So as I am spending time with a good friend this week, it’s a blessing and a curse, I feel great being with someone I am close to, enjoying the time of being connected, but at the same time it makes me realize just how disconnected and isolated I have been the past couple of years ..
I know it’s healing, looking at it that way sometimes help – that this is the path of finding the old me again. Sometimes you need to step into what was familiar no matter how uncomfortable it feels.
So as I continue to spend time with a friend this week, I will still write and give myself the familiar space to be who I need to be – at the same time taking steps to re-connect.
“You will never feel alone, if you run down the stairs of loneliness; as every solitary step becomes your companion.” ― Munia Khan